BrainSplatter
Student
- Oct 31, 2025
- 186
I've not posted on here for sometime now but here's where I'm at right now…
I'm going through something really heavy with my son. I've made the decision to pursue voluntary adoption last year because I love him and want him to have long-term stability that I can't ever give. What hurts the most is that I exposed him to so much pain more before I gained this insight. I used drugs around him, I was psychotic, in pain constantly even emotionally abusive even if it wasn't intentional. I would shout, scream, cry and throw things. This has caused trauma so early in his life he's only a toddler. My child was conceived through rape, when I was pregnant I was suicidal and self harming so placed in a psychiatric ward until I gave birth.
This wasn't a rushed or easy choice it's come after a long periods of trying, hoping and believing in myself but I've come to accept things aren't changing. This is most painful decision I've ever made but I believe it's the safest and most loving one for him. He's not my saviour that's too heavy for a small child hold but I was only surviving for him while hurting him in the process.
I've been suicidal since I was a child I was 11 when I first attempted suicide. The only reason I've stayed this long is for others. I care so deeply continuously I sacrificing myself but soon that will change and I'll be free of this constant pain and suffering that's been my companion for far far too long. I'm grieving a lot not only for my son but for myself and the life I could have had without my trauma. I'm doing my best to get through it until he's adopted it could take up to 6 months. Drugs are the only thing keeping me going right now but even then the pain still comes through. I don't even feel high anymore my interoception is so extreme. I can't even function as a human being eating, sleeping, peeing and drinking water are all extremely difficult. I find myself crying daily or emotionally numb but also excited to CTB
Today I reached out for "help" I have been planning this for so long but now I've truly told someone how much pain I was in and they understood felt saddened but not that concerned that they want me sectioned which is good. I think a lot about the impact my death and how the professionals around me might feel when I'm gone what impact that might have I know I won't be here to see it but I don't want them to blame themselves or suffer. I think letting them know my plans early so I'm offered the help will make it less painful so they know they did all they could to "help" honestly unless you feel like this it's hard for most people to even comprehend.
I just want to make things as easy as possible. I've started to clear furniture from my house but I want it to be completely empty before I go not leave a mess behind and prolonging pain of them having to clear it themselves I plan to box certain things and leave them to the few good people who cared about me maybe make photo albums aswell as letters. I've thought about documenting my worst days so then maybe they have the choice to see what my reality was or just whatever was memorable to them.
People if you truly want to CTB and succeed you won't tell anyone your plans but now I think differently about it. I guess it also depends on your situation like I have no friends or family. I live alone, spend my birthdays alone, christmas alone. No one gives a fuck about me so my success is practically guaranteed.
What's everyone's else's thoughts?
I'm going through something really heavy with my son. I've made the decision to pursue voluntary adoption last year because I love him and want him to have long-term stability that I can't ever give. What hurts the most is that I exposed him to so much pain more before I gained this insight. I used drugs around him, I was psychotic, in pain constantly even emotionally abusive even if it wasn't intentional. I would shout, scream, cry and throw things. This has caused trauma so early in his life he's only a toddler. My child was conceived through rape, when I was pregnant I was suicidal and self harming so placed in a psychiatric ward until I gave birth.
This wasn't a rushed or easy choice it's come after a long periods of trying, hoping and believing in myself but I've come to accept things aren't changing. This is most painful decision I've ever made but I believe it's the safest and most loving one for him. He's not my saviour that's too heavy for a small child hold but I was only surviving for him while hurting him in the process.
I've been suicidal since I was a child I was 11 when I first attempted suicide. The only reason I've stayed this long is for others. I care so deeply continuously I sacrificing myself but soon that will change and I'll be free of this constant pain and suffering that's been my companion for far far too long. I'm grieving a lot not only for my son but for myself and the life I could have had without my trauma. I'm doing my best to get through it until he's adopted it could take up to 6 months. Drugs are the only thing keeping me going right now but even then the pain still comes through. I don't even feel high anymore my interoception is so extreme. I can't even function as a human being eating, sleeping, peeing and drinking water are all extremely difficult. I find myself crying daily or emotionally numb but also excited to CTB
Today I reached out for "help" I have been planning this for so long but now I've truly told someone how much pain I was in and they understood felt saddened but not that concerned that they want me sectioned which is good. I think a lot about the impact my death and how the professionals around me might feel when I'm gone what impact that might have I know I won't be here to see it but I don't want them to blame themselves or suffer. I think letting them know my plans early so I'm offered the help will make it less painful so they know they did all they could to "help" honestly unless you feel like this it's hard for most people to even comprehend.
I just want to make things as easy as possible. I've started to clear furniture from my house but I want it to be completely empty before I go not leave a mess behind and prolonging pain of them having to clear it themselves I plan to box certain things and leave them to the few good people who cared about me maybe make photo albums aswell as letters. I've thought about documenting my worst days so then maybe they have the choice to see what my reality was or just whatever was memorable to them.
People if you truly want to CTB and succeed you won't tell anyone your plans but now I think differently about it. I guess it also depends on your situation like I have no friends or family. I live alone, spend my birthdays alone, christmas alone. No one gives a fuck about me so my success is practically guaranteed.
What's everyone's else's thoughts?
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