The forum is down I am not sure whether I am able to post this today. The last few days I felt pretty good. I even considered that some people were right calling my hopelessness deluded by depression. So many people say things like that. There was a professional in a clinic who barely knew me and came to the conclusion my desperation was only delusional. She treated me in derogatory way. She did not know my story at all. She judged the book by its cover. Other professionals who know me more considered me very reflective.
We never know for sure. There is still this tiny off-chance a miracle could happen and suddenly my mental hell improves. I read about it online sometimes even very severe cases seemingly improved in a miraclous way. I hoped that could apply to me the recent days. I was full of hope. Well...as so often when I have hope it is the case I am just getting manic.
I felt surprisingly good the last days. I was full of energy, was awake in the morning, depression in the evening was less severe, I had the urge to buy me things, my performance level was pretty pretty high. I am surprised that I only realized it this evening that something was off. There is still this inner hope for a miracle which sort of deceived me, (at least in my case statistically for some it might be possible.)
I really started to like my life, I was optimistic about the future and my suicidality got less. This all was only due to manic symptoms. I am so fucking pissed right now. I am very sure it is caused by mania. There are several symptoms which almost only can be explained by mania.
My heart is broken once again. I need time to process that. It needs time to sink in and being able to reflect that. It hurts it hurts so fucknig much. I still hope it was not mania and I am just this miraclous case. Due to the fact I don't have psychotherapy anymore there is one very important source for feedback missing. I cannot judge the pace of my internal thoughts by myself. They always "sound" the same - only when I articulate them to someone else in real ife and unfiltered I am able to see the facts. In the self-help group that is not possible.
One big reason why I have manic symptoms. I wanted to study without addictive medication. After the extremely burdening withdrawal symptoms recently I wanted to try college without them and hoped for some luck . Well this is what life offers me when I try to be optimistic. Fuck my life so fucking hard. I just hate my fucking life. And the forum is even offline now. I wanted to look up my old posts sometimes that helps to judge whether I am leaning more into mania or major depression direction. I am heartbroken. I would need the forum right now so fucking much but it is down once again.
We never know for sure. There is still this tiny off-chance a miracle could happen and suddenly my mental hell improves. I read about it online sometimes even very severe cases seemingly improved in a miraclous way. I hoped that could apply to me the recent days. I was full of hope. Well...as so often when I have hope it is the case I am just getting manic.
I felt surprisingly good the last days. I was full of energy, was awake in the morning, depression in the evening was less severe, I had the urge to buy me things, my performance level was pretty pretty high. I am surprised that I only realized it this evening that something was off. There is still this inner hope for a miracle which sort of deceived me, (at least in my case statistically for some it might be possible.)
I really started to like my life, I was optimistic about the future and my suicidality got less. This all was only due to manic symptoms. I am so fucking pissed right now. I am very sure it is caused by mania. There are several symptoms which almost only can be explained by mania.
My heart is broken once again. I need time to process that. It needs time to sink in and being able to reflect that. It hurts it hurts so fucknig much. I still hope it was not mania and I am just this miraclous case. Due to the fact I don't have psychotherapy anymore there is one very important source for feedback missing. I cannot judge the pace of my internal thoughts by myself. They always "sound" the same - only when I articulate them to someone else in real ife and unfiltered I am able to see the facts. In the self-help group that is not possible.
One big reason why I have manic symptoms. I wanted to study without addictive medication. After the extremely burdening withdrawal symptoms recently I wanted to try college without them and hoped for some luck . Well this is what life offers me when I try to be optimistic. Fuck my life so fucking hard. I just hate my fucking life. And the forum is even offline now. I wanted to look up my old posts sometimes that helps to judge whether I am leaning more into mania or major depression direction. I am heartbroken. I would need the forum right now so fucking much but it is down once again.
