Venting i feel pathetic

[jisatsu chan]

i'm quite passively suicidal, but i only truly consider the urge when i'm in a deep depressive episode. everytime i've wanted to kill myself i find myself frozen and waiting for a couple days to see if this feeling passes, and it eventually somehow does and my life momentarily gets better. i actually feel happy in those moments. i feel like such a fraud, like i can;t even be suicidal properly. but the happiness passes as quickly as it comes and i'm back to feeling this way. i can't trust myself. i'm a very impulsive person and i'm aware of this which is why i've began to wait before i do big things now, because i'm afraid i'll regret it— but i'll be dead, i don't know how i'll be able to regret it? i have this idea of me not ever truly being able to die and my consciousness will still somehow find a way to persist and feel feel feel. it scares me, it keeps me frozen for hours thinking about it. for those who are impulsive like me i imagine you know how terrible that specific type of regret feels. i think i'm afraid that my last emotion won't be relief, but i'll die with regret instead, and this time i won't be able to fix my mistakes like i always do. i don't know if any of this even makes sense, my thoughts quickly jump from one to the other sometimes without much relation.

there are many times where i almost posted on this forum but i stopped myself because i know if i post, i'll reflect on it when i'm happy and feel that suffocating shame. i also have this irrational fear of people finding this account after i kill myself and reading all this vulnerable, erratically written slop! can anyone tell me what the probability of that is?

 

[R. A.]

Hi, seeing you just writing today after hanging in the shadows for years. Welcome...join us...

Seriously though. Suicidality is, like most things, not a binary. It's literally just feeling suicidal, that's it. When it's often or intense enough that you end up on a site like this, yeah, that's "proper". The back and forth is hard for sure.

Some thoughts for your concerns re: posting...

• Write what you want to write into a notes app and let it sit there. See if just writing is enough of a relief rather than posting.
• Post in the chatroom instead of as a thread (you may not be able to use it yet with only 3 posts despite a years-old account; it and the search function become available with more activity). The chatroom is constantly being filled with new things and I think it had a fairly short visible history.
• Post in the private suicide forum vs. this pubic one. Everything here is visible without an account even, indexed by search engines.
• Use a private browser and/or clear your cache often. The only way someone will know this was "you" after you die is if you tell them, or they find the site's info on your device after you die. Generally both are best avoided.

Hope that wasn't useless. Others may have more ideas. Hope you find some comfort here.

 

[Cosmophobic]

"i have this idea of me not ever truly being able to die and my consciousness will still somehow find a way to persist and feel feel feel." Shit, me too. What a perfectly horrendous thought to have.

Great profile pic btw.