Venting i feel pathetic

[Yuppy$]

i dont know if ill ever ctb. its almost my birthday and i don't know how many more of these i can stand. i'm too indecisive about my life and my potential future. the more i think about different possible outcomes to different choices i could make, it always seems to come down to, "well either way i'll have to ctb". and it scares me. i dont want to die but i feel that i have to. i feel sick to my stomach thinking about it all. i wish i could've been a different person and lived a different life but the decisions ive made and things i've done are things that are irreversible. living feels like a never ending punishment but i just can't seem to imagine being able to go through with it. i'm a coward and i can't imagine what itd do to my wife but my marriage is driving me to my end too. i was miserable already but when i married her i realized just how awful i am. i feel guilt over many things but my worst regret is ruining her life. if she knew about any of this i cant even imagine the pain it would cause her. i tried to make things easier (for myself admittedly) by leaving but she begged me to stay. this has gone on as an endless cycle for months now and i have to wonder how she derives any happiness from our relationship. i have moments i enjoy but most of my life is lying in bed in a terrible messy and overcrowded space (rotten food, trash everywhere, neglected litter boxes, dirty laundry covering floors, etc). i don't have anybody i consider a real friend other than her and my family but im not exactly close with my family either due to a lot of various trauma. i don't go outside unless it's to work but i can barely bring myself to do that with how many times ill ghost a job or call out every other day. and to do what? lie in bed. going outside terrifies me, it didn't used to be so intense but it's been this way for about almost a year now. i dont have anybody other than my wife to talk about this with but i don't want to be such a burden. she struggles so much with paranoia and anxiety, it would wreck her. after everything i've done i know the best thing for me emotionally would be to ctb. i'm a terrible spouse, pet owner, "friend", family member, and overall a terrible person. im just very pathetic and my suicidal ideation is plaguing me

 

[crisis]

firstly, you dont have to ctb. whether or not you ctb should be a choice. making that choice while under the pretense that it's unavoidable for you isn't a good idea, no matter how much you feel like it is. secondly, the way you view your guiltiness is clearly putting you under a lot of stress, but i think its misplaced. im not going to tell you that lying in bed in a filthy place is healthy, but that doesnt make you a terrible person. how good or evil you are is not determined by how well you are living your life. you feel guilty of this lifestyle because you know its "evil" (or more accurately just "not good) and clearly you want something to change. you want something to change for your wife, for your pets, and i think you'll agree you want this change for yourself. this change should not be ctb. at least, that is most definitely not your only option. i understand how overwhelming your situation can seem; you have a lot of things out of control right now. i suggest you take things one step at a time. do something easy first, and if you can, do it with your wife. things will be easier in her company. she seems to care about you a lot and im sure she would not at all mind hanging out with you if it would help you slowly get yourself on track. think about the moments you enjoy; what did you enjoy about them? dont think too hard, as that can spiral into a lot of whys and hows that dont make sense; just be simple. was the weather nice? was there good company? were you sitting comfortably? try to incorporate things like this into your day-to-day.

tl;dr: ctb isnt the only option; talk/hangout with your wife; take control of the small things

edit: and hey, if your wife is busy, im always down to hangout as well. even if just to chat. my discord and steamid are crisisapart

 

[kilowatt]

No one has to CTB. I think deciding wether you should go through with your plans or not is an incredibly tough part. I recommend reconsidering it greatly if you still have multiple doubts. I think your wife could help, if you do really love eachother I'm sure she would be by your side if you tried to improve yourself. I may be wrong to assume but I feel like you haven't yet tried all alternatives. No one should be forced to life an agonizing life, I see why you're leaning towards ending it all, but I also think there's hope left for you. Whatever you do, I hope it brings you peace and is the right choice. Take care

 

[ColdPhoenix]

If you think you have potential, that's because you do. There is always an unexpected comeback in life, and contrary to what our culture likes to push on us, very little of what happens is irreversible. If you want to be a better spouse, a better friend, a better person, you still have more than enough years in your life to do that. You haven't "lost" anything. You're just short of your expectations. So, you really need to think about if there are a few steps you can take now that can bring you to peace with yourself. It takes time. A long time. Whatever you choose to do, there's no rush.