mercutiomartis
Member
- Sep 1, 2024
- 29
I have always had suicide in the back of my mind as kind of like a last resort but I always had this little sliver of hope that if I waited things out things would get better and I'd actually want to be here. Now, I'm really inclined more toward ctb than toward giving life another shot. I've been researching extensively and have found a source of SN that I'm hoping to buy soon to have on hand. It's starting to sink in how serious I am about doing this.
I've been thinking a lot about what my reasons are and they're hard to describe without them sounding really shallow. I'm mostly really crushed about my failed relationship and the aftermath of it. That relationship was the only time in my life I felt truly happy and full. It ended horribly, I don't think anyone really cares about the details but I feel like eventually I'll write it out so it exists out there. I recently spoke with my ex and confessed to him that I have hope that one day we'll get back together, and he told me that he's in a much happier place and he doesn't want me to have any hope at all. I feel stupid that that hope was one of the few things that was tethering me to life, I wish I could rid myself of it completely.
I've suffered a lot in my life, and I think that having known what it feels like to actually want to live only to have it crushed is a big reason I want to end it. I don't think that I'll realistically ever experience that again, I don't want to continue numbing myself with medication knowing that my life circumstances are not really going to change. And it feels absolutely pathetic, like if I were to tell this to someone in my life that actually knows me, they'd tell me something like - there's plenty of fish in the sea or whatever but that's not really the point.
I'm in such a dark place right now.
I've been thinking a lot about what my reasons are and they're hard to describe without them sounding really shallow. I'm mostly really crushed about my failed relationship and the aftermath of it. That relationship was the only time in my life I felt truly happy and full. It ended horribly, I don't think anyone really cares about the details but I feel like eventually I'll write it out so it exists out there. I recently spoke with my ex and confessed to him that I have hope that one day we'll get back together, and he told me that he's in a much happier place and he doesn't want me to have any hope at all. I feel stupid that that hope was one of the few things that was tethering me to life, I wish I could rid myself of it completely.
I've suffered a lot in my life, and I think that having known what it feels like to actually want to live only to have it crushed is a big reason I want to end it. I don't think that I'll realistically ever experience that again, I don't want to continue numbing myself with medication knowing that my life circumstances are not really going to change. And it feels absolutely pathetic, like if I were to tell this to someone in my life that actually knows me, they'd tell me something like - there's plenty of fish in the sea or whatever but that's not really the point.
I'm in such a dark place right now.