Venting I feel overwhelmed

[LavenderBae]

I've been cycling between feeling nothing, feeling relieved, and panicking.

I feel like I can't breathe. I'm scared of going into work tonight because every shift the past few weeks, I've been having panic attacks and I feel horrible. I know I'm going to have another one tonight, I'm planning for this to be my last shift before I do the exit bag method. I'm debating on calling out because on one hand, it's a lot to keep my composure, but on the other hand I love my coworkers a lot because they're all super nice and caring.

Both of my therapists know that tomorrow is when I'm planning to CTB. (I told one therapist because I've worked with her for years and she knows for the most part when I'm hiding or lying about my feelings, so she'll straight up call me out which I appreciate but also kinda hate at the same time.

Anyway, I moved to a new city and I transferred to a new therapist so there is a bit of a crossover between them trying to transfer over all the services I needed. My last appointment with my new therapist was her reading the email my OG therapist sent her detailing me talking about my plans). OG is planning on calling me tomorrow morning as a check-in, but honestly I think between that and my new therapist asking when my shift starts, they're planning something to stop me. I know it's their jobs and they care but holy shit do I wish I could have skipped my appointment with OG, but I think I didn't because that would have raised some flags.

I think I got it under control though. It's going to be tricky but I'm determined. I've been thinking it over for almost 5 weeks now. It's been unbearable waiting patiently, but I want to execute this perfectly and being impulsive will mess everything up. I've been packing up my stuff to make it less of a mess to deal with.
I'm really excited but scared? What can I use for anti-anxiety? I can't get my hands on benzos. I was thinking weed and some chill music? Or maybe a little bit of alcohol and antiemetics with some music?

Tl;dr ramblings of some depressed chick and in need of a little bit advice plz and ty

 

[Hopeindeath!]

I'm sorry your life is so bad that you want to CTB, and that you are having panic attacks. Another way to help with anxiety is to distract yourself by watching a movie. If today is when you decide to go, I wish you peace.

 

[MsMaudlin]

I'm sorry how your anxiety has been making you feel, its really awful.

Do you think your therapist might turn up tomorrow? My thinking is that you have given them the date as you aren't 100%

Apologies if I have that wrong ❤

 

[Soul]

I'm sorry you're struggling, @LavenderBae — panic attacks are so awful. I'm not sure what OG means, but if you feel your therapists are planning to intervene wouldn't it be better to postpone your exit? Can you ask the new therapist for some (better) anti-anxiety meds? Meantime if weed + music helps you then go for it by all means (((hugs)))

 

[LavenderBae]

Thanks, you guys. I'm in the hospital, which I'm feeling pretty embarrassed about to be honest... I really want to get out. I think it might be useful because I can get prescribed some anti-anxiety meds. I've already waited a few weeks so I guess a few more isn't going to hurt.

I'm sorry how your anxiety has been making you feel, its really awful.

Do you think your therapist might turn up tomorrow? My thinking is that you have given them the date as you aren't 100%

Apologies if I have that wrong ❤

My therapist was asking me all these questions and pointing out every time I hesitated so I panicked (hah) and told her everything
I think it's more of me being scared of it all that made me say something. I keep thinking about how when we euthanize our pets because we know they don't deserve a poor quality of life, and when they do, they're typically surrounded by all this love and support. I know what I'm planning is the right decision for me, I just wish I had that love, support, and understanding. Instead I'm going to be alone in my room, surrounded with all my pillows and blankets with a bag over my head and that's a little more dignified.

 

[Soul]

You have nothing to be embarrassed about, @LavenderBae. Take some time to rest and as you say hopefully you'll get better meds. You can think later about what you want to do next. (((Hugs))) I would stroke you and hold your paw and whisper what a good girl you are x

 

[Ghost2211]

I would honestly try anxiety meds regardless if you want to CTB or not. Being in a high stress state of mind or make making decisions, planning, and preparations much harder and leave room for errors. It also sounds quite risky to actually attempt on a day that you told Therapist you are going to attempt. That seems like it would Increase the odds of getting interrupted