ShatteredJarOfStars
New Member
- Nov 5, 2025
- 1
I feel very empty in life. I have come from life full of laughs and abuse and SA and I feel like I'm holding onto that pain everyday of my life. Its been four years since I was in those situations but in just this last year I have gotten tormented by depression, and anxiety and having my PTSD triggered by anything that I would have never considered being a trigger, as well as all of my old problems having come back again like my insomnia and EDs, and body dismorphia. I want to be happy like everyone thinks I am but I feel like every day just gets worse and worse with maybe one good day now and again just to keep me alive. Honestly I have tried so many things to get better, got a job, threw myself into school, got wonderful online friends, but I feel like I am the worst at everything. I love working because it gets the thoughts to stop and coming home exhausted is an amazing feeling but I got my hours cut until winter ends due to the cold weather making my job next to impossible to do, and its been a while since I have worked to the point I feel so useless in life again and there are no distractions. I honestly feel like a very stressed out and emotionally fried shell of who I was and I can't make anything really mean anything without feeling pain for it. For note- I still live with my parents and I can't leave for many years to come as well as they still control everything about my life and what I can do. I really want to move out and move away but the University I got a scholarship at is only a few miles from where I live so even trying to live in the dorms is impossible as well as seeing friends outside of lunches. I am finacially and legally tied to my parents and while I still hold love for them, I am also terrified at being stuck in this same place for years to come. And with the prospect of being married to a person I cannot easily love due to trauma and being forced to settle down where my parents can continue to run and monitor my life is choking me. I've tried and failed at taking my life four times in the past year and I'm at the point where I feel like I just shouldn't try again because there is no use to. I have tried enough to know that its a me problem like I'm saving myself somehow or perhaps have something I am supposed to stay alive for but I don't know what it is or what it can be because everything is something I dread. This whole past month and a half has been nightmarish for me and it's just getting worse it seems. I really want to leave and start my own life where I am unafraid that a friend of mine is going to show up at my door to a house I cannot let her into due to living considitons being not safe and honestly just filthy, and I absolutly hate being here, but I cannot leave or get help because that will ruin more lives than just my own and I want to avoid that. I wish I didnt go to bed everynight feeling like crying or waking up from nightmares every day or wanting to kill myself to escape. I know it won't help anything and tbh since I tried the last time and was so close, I found a part of me that is terrified to actually ctb. I just keep living each day one by one but each day breaks me more and more.... I want an out I guess but there is none.
