I feel nothing

[dementedpsycho]

I feel nothing, if I do it's anger and hate. For those living normal lives, happy, enjoying each others company. Loving their families and getting together, I despise it all. I don't feel a thing, and don't believe I ever really have. All I know is manipulation and deceit, and how to chase my own selfish pleasures in life.

I don't spread love, I spread animosity and it shows in the results of my broken mother, and broken brother. Sometimes I ask myself, did I want this? Do I find pleasure in people's pain? Do I even long for a loving family? Or is it just a facade created by the society around me? Because I don't know anymore, I'm very sick in the head. And for this, I deserve to ctb. I contemplate it daily yet, and unable to even follow through with what are the consequences of a life lived to darkness. I know I will be going to hell, it's the only thing stopping me from ctb.

 

[▪︎⚠ ＫＯＨＩ ⚠▪︎]

Me too, that's my main reason stopping from doing so as well.

Every single time I start to feel better or everything has being going good, it gives me a sensation of "this is too good to be true" because eventually things at home will become a mess. This is why I constantly find myself isolated and only reaching people for my own needs, but when I let my guard down for a moment soon people start to hurt me again, making me look like a fool and stupid for that.

I try to convince myself that the anger I feel is an impulse that helps me achive what I want to at least not feel bad for not being able to feel anything else.

 

[dementedpsycho]

Yeah, I'm in a constant loop that always spirals downward. It used to be a couple years of joy at a time but after years it's down to maybe half of my actual days are OK, then it spirals. Over and over and over, idk how my heart and body physically take it anymore.