RosebyAnyName
Staring at the ceiling for 6 hours
- Nov 9, 2023
- 352
I got in trouble as a kid all the time for anger issues. I didn't understand why other people were allowed to be angry with me while I wasn't allowed to be angry back. I still don't fully understand why people are allowed to hate me for being born, while I am not allowed to hate the actual individuals who have harmed me.
I used to want justice, I used to have revenge fantasies. I used to wish that *I* could be the ruler of a dictatorship, and show everyone how *I* would do things. I used to wish I had control over everyone, if not only so I could punish them harshly as they had unfairly punished me.
But, that's changed. I don't feel that same anger anymore. It's not explosive, sudden, or unexpected. There's no adrenaline, it's not passionate. It's not fighting for your life, or tearing down a system. Anger is a natural emotion at the end of the day. Even revenge fantasies and gruesome or violent fantasies are considered normal in psychology.
Now, I feel numb. It's a quiet, cold hate. It's a perpetual simmer, the kind that breaks down bone. It's a calm desire for more malice in the world. No longer is it hatred of any one group or person that has wronged me, nor are there any attempts to keep that hatred contained to any one topic or idea. Now, it's just an instinctual disgust and repulsion. It's misanthropy. I have no desire to see the world become a better place. It's not a desire to act out in the name of making a point, in activism, in making my truth and feelings known. I don't want to be "right", I don't want to stand on top of everyone as some kind of revenge fantasy to elevate my status. It's not believing that other people are beneath me.
It is, however, believing that everyone is beneath happiness and that humans are inherently evil and deserving of misery. The only thing that feels philosophically correct is privately hoping that hell is real and everyone goes there when they die.
I used to want justice, I used to have revenge fantasies. I used to wish that *I* could be the ruler of a dictatorship, and show everyone how *I* would do things. I used to wish I had control over everyone, if not only so I could punish them harshly as they had unfairly punished me.
But, that's changed. I don't feel that same anger anymore. It's not explosive, sudden, or unexpected. There's no adrenaline, it's not passionate. It's not fighting for your life, or tearing down a system. Anger is a natural emotion at the end of the day. Even revenge fantasies and gruesome or violent fantasies are considered normal in psychology.
Now, I feel numb. It's a quiet, cold hate. It's a perpetual simmer, the kind that breaks down bone. It's a calm desire for more malice in the world. No longer is it hatred of any one group or person that has wronged me, nor are there any attempts to keep that hatred contained to any one topic or idea. Now, it's just an instinctual disgust and repulsion. It's misanthropy. I have no desire to see the world become a better place. It's not a desire to act out in the name of making a point, in activism, in making my truth and feelings known. I don't want to be "right", I don't want to stand on top of everyone as some kind of revenge fantasy to elevate my status. It's not believing that other people are beneath me.
It is, however, believing that everyone is beneath happiness and that humans are inherently evil and deserving of misery. The only thing that feels philosophically correct is privately hoping that hell is real and everyone goes there when they die.
