I feel like there's a hole in my chest

[Kadaver]

I'm so fucking lonely. I feel like there's a hole in my chest, dark and fermenting, that gets bigger and bigger every time I realize it with no way for me to be able to stop it.

I miss my best friend so fucking badly that I just want to die. I don't ever really hear from him anymore. He texts me very rarely and never a full conversation. Just picking one of the things I've said to him over his absence to respond to. Then I'm lucky if I can get him to text back.
He texted me about thirty minutes ago and I felt so fucking happy. Everytime I see his username and profile picture pop up I feel like the hole in my chest is gone.

Six words. I've texted him like nine times over the past two weeks; messages of various lengths and importance to me and all he could spare was two messages—only responding to my most recent message. I could fucking feel my heart twisting in my chest as the seconds ebbed on and I realised he wasn't going to text back—That was it. He's online, and has been the majority of the times I've tried to talk, but he just doesn't care to speak with me. I have nothing to say that he is even vaguely interested in hearing.

My dad is away on a cruise and my sister will be working for half the day and all I want to do is kill myself while I'm alone. But I know if I do my dad would never stop blaming himself for leaving me while I was like this. I have to wait, I owe him that. At the same time part of me wants to tell my best friend that my dad is gone so maybe he'll give a shit, but I also don't want him to worry. I don't want to stress him out or be a burden again which is also the reason why I wont tell him how much his silence is hurting me.

He's always online and he never has an issue with texting his girlfriend back. I get that I'm not his partner but I fucking hate her. I wish I could go back in time and stop them from ever fucking meeting. Not even because of who she is but because of how my friend has consistently put her above me ever since they met. I can understand sometimes but when I just got out of the fucking mental hospital that he forcefully put me in can he at least pretend to give a shit?!

When we met we were interested in each other romantically and we texted constantly but ever since he's realized he only wants me as a friend he never responds to anything I say. Since then every romantic interest has taken priority over me to the point where my dad got diagnosed with fucking cancer and he couldn't pull himself away from playing Minecraft with a girl he would end up loathing. He then called me later to vent about how she had hurt his feelings or whatever.

He doesn't even remember doing that to me.

When he needed me I fucking bought a plane ticket within the week to be there for him and when I tried to kill myself he ignored me, spent every fucking moment with his fucking bitch of a girlfriend, and then sent me back to live with my father because I was "stressing him out."

He used have panic attacks literally constantly. Every time he ate and went to bed he would freak out and I never minded—i held and comforted him EVERY time.

Maybe I'm not being fair to him. He paid for my meds and doctor's appointments and therapy, then decided that I hadn't tried hard enough in therapy and the therapist talked shit about me behind my back. But I feel like when I needed him he chose someone else and I fucking despise her for it.

I know I've made bad choices; I wasn't always a good friend and sometimes I was extremely selfish and entitled. But holy fuck did I really deserve that?? Do I deserve this? I can't fucking clear my head anymore. All I can think about is how much I'm struggling. The guy I used to be in love with, who betrayed me, I maliciously stalked and taunted anonymously until he deleted his account, and while I know he deserved it after what he did to me I can't help but feel like Its not the only reason I'm doing this. I have no other outlet for my anger or sadness so tormenting that piece of shit will have to do.

 

[Adûnâi]

but ever since he's realized he only wants me as a friend he never responds to anything I say. Since then every romantic interest has taken priority over me to the point where my dad got diagnosed with fucking cancer and he couldn't pull himself away from playing Minecraft with a girl he would end up loathing. He then called me later to vent about how she had hurt his feelings or whatever.

This is highly, highly privileged of him. I can't sympathise with such people at all.

When he needed me I fucking bought a plane ticket within the week to be there for him and when I tried to kill myself he ignored me, spent every fucking moment with his fucking bitch of a girlfriend, and then sent me back to live with my father because I was "stressing him out."

Wait wtf you're literally a saviour on a white horse, how could that not be appreciated?

The guy I used to be in love with, who betrayed me, I maliciously stalked and taunted anonymously until he deleted his account, and while I know he deserved it after what he did to me I can't help but feel like Its not the only reason I'm doing this. I have no other outlet for my anger or sadness so tormenting that piece of shit will have to do.

Wow, that's such an incredible story, like straight from an adventure book! Passion and ire.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I can relate to the hole in the chest feeling. I used to feel like that grieving for dead relatives. It does feel like spaces are opening up in your heart.

I also had a similar experience with a former best friend. I found it so hard when we'd be there for each other all the time. Then, they'd just disappear when their partner came to visit then be back to needing me when they were gone. I knew it was only natural and that I had to accept it but, it was hard none the less. Now, we're hardly ever in touch at all. I probably wouldn't have believed that could happen at the time. I felt like they were my soul mate. It's just as much my fault really though- I let things drift too.

I think it can be especially bad with guys- from what I've witnessed anyway. I've known two guys become so devoted to their girlfriends that they began shunning their own mothers! It gets a lot worse if the girlfriend is quite possesive and tries to monopolize all their time. I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

[Kadaver]

This is highly, highly privileged of him. I can't sympathise with such people at all.

Yeah I remember I didn't know that was what he was doing at the time. I had texted him asking if he was available to call because I was having a crisis and he said he was busy but that he could text. I only found out later that he was "busy" playing fucking Minecraft. Like I still can believe that when I think about it; he weighed fucking Minecraft above me when at that point I always said yes to calling with him unless I was legit at work. I would talk him through anxiety attacks and we'd talk about NSFW stuff so he could get off.

Like I didn't mind what our calls contained at the time but as time when on I started to realize he didn't give a fuck about doing the same for me if it wasn't convenient for him. Shit made me feel so unwanted and used. I get that you shouldn't do nsfw stuff and expect it in return as if they owe you but like…idk. It feels shitty when someone is into it until they get off and then your just on your own.

Wait wtf you're literally a saviour on a white horse, how could that not be appreciated?

i mean I don't think of myself that highly but I know I can be a very good friend at times. I almost always put my friends above literally everything else in my life

I remember when I got there it was just supposed to be for a bit but then I just ended up…staying. Maybe a year in he decided I should get a job, which I understood but was very anxious about. He constantly acted like I wasn't going to be able to do it in the time limit he set and it made me feel so shitty

Then when I did get a job I was supposed to save for top surgery, get it, heal with him taking care of me, then save for moving out. This did not happen because things between us grew very strained because of me mostly. I told him I thought it would take forever to save for top surgery and he spun it back on me and told me I could have gotten a job a few months after I got here. Just felt like a smack in the face after everything I had done to try to be there for him

Wow, that's such an incredible story, like straight from an adventure book! Passion and ire.

Haha yeah I can see that, I guess. He was a sociopath (diagnosed, not hyperbole) and he essentially used my romantic feelings for him to make himself feel good, encouraging them and doing things he knew would fluster me, and then abandoned me when he found someone he actually was interested in dating without a goodbye or explanation; just blocked me.

A few months passed and I'm here just angry so I start sending him anonymous messages asking how he would feel if someone found out what his face looked like and he just laughed at me essentially, which pissed me off even more. So I set out to actually find his personal accounts. Took me less than a day once I actually tried.

Dude lied to me (or omitted things) on purpose. Never even told me his real name. He laughed at first again when I started hinting at things about his life before realizing i wasnt fucking around and deleting his account. Felt so good to see his @ change to "DeletedAccount_938474839"

I dmed his personal Facebook account but he hasn't responded or seen the message. He might have deleted messenger/Facebook or he might be ignoring me and praying I leave him alone. Idk how to tell

My quandary is I know a huge and terrible secret about someone in his life who died (they did something horrible), but spilling it would most definitely reveal who I am and that scares me a bit. He claimed he has only told me this secret and his doctors. I don't know if he would be able to use the same means as I did to track me, if he even knows of them, but I know he doesn't feel. He doesn't care about right or wrong very much and if he found me he might ruin my life or legit kill me.

Thing is he doesn't have access to our old DMs (unless he screenshotted them all) so any hints he might have are lost. He only knows my chosen name (my first name only, which I really go by but isn't my legal name) and the state I live in, or used to. He doesn't know I'm back with my dad. He also might remember my face because we both shared selfies. I could always combat this by changing my pfp to a random normal persons picture but I'm not sure if that would be enough

I can relate to the hole in the chest feeling. I used to feel like that grieving for dead relatives. It does feel like spaces are opening up in your heart.

I also had a similar experience with a former best friend. I found it so hard when we'd be there for each other all the time. Then, they'd just disappear when their partner came to visit then be back to needing me when they were gone. I knew it was only natural and that I had to accept it but, it was hard none the less. Now, we're hardly ever in touch at all. I probably wouldn't have believed that could happen at the time. I felt like they were my soul mate. It's just as much my fault really though- I let things drift too.

I think it can be especially bad with guys- from what I've witnessed anyway. I've known two guys become so devoted to their girlfriends that they began shunning their own mothers! It gets a lot worse if the girlfriend is quite possesive and tries to monopolize all their time. I'm sorry you're going through this.

Yeah, it feels like the pain is just eating away at me.

The thing that made me the angriest was that before he started dating her we would talk about how much we wanted love and what kinds of things we would do for our girlfriends. Then once he started dating he said something like "maybe you should work on yourself instead of looking for a partner." anyone I thought could be a possible partner he would dismiss and say it wouldn't work or last. With the last girl it was going super well and he told me he didn't think we were going to even make it past a month of talking and that he didn't want to hear me gush about he because he was tired of it. I had mentioned her maybe 2-3 times to him and she was by far the girl he should have liked the most; she was a little older, a nurse, and we talked constantly.

I felt like once he started dating he completely lost interest in me and my feelings. He could talk about his gf and all the many many girls he had talked to before her and I would listen and try to support him. I remember they had known each other maybe two weeks before meeting and he told me if the meeting went well he was gonna ask her out. I told him that they didn't know each other well and that, while she is poly, she's already married. She won't ever move in with him or do any of the things he had talked about wanting in the past and he just ignored me and did it anyways.

Then when I wanted to meet people it was different. "You don't know each other well enough." "no, you can't give this person our adress after you start dating, ever." "me and my gf are different because we're both older and more experienced." "I think the guy you're talking to is immature and I dont want him ever coming to my house." and on and on and on. Everytime I was talking to someone he had something bad to say; a way to kill my excitement