Venting I feel like such an evil person.

[BitterlyAlive]

I want to kill myself so bad. I hate myself.

 

[mahakaliSS_MahaDurga]

I want to kill myself so bad. I hate myself.

Why?

 

[WornOutLife]

As regards wanting to kill yourself well, that doesn't make you evil at all. I guess you meant that for other reason.

 

[BitterlyAlive]

Why?

I've been running my mouth like an absolute ass for the past two days, among other things. On here, in chats, to people I know in real life. It's disgusting and sickening. Ugly and wrong.

 

[mahakaliSS_MahaDurga]

I've been running my mouth like an absolute ass for the past two days, among other things. On here, in chats, to people I know in real life. It's disgusting and sickening. Ugly and wrong.

You are way too harsh on yourself, Bitterly. Please try to challenge your negative self talk. Would you talk to others the way you talk to yourself? I think not. Be kind to yourself.

 

[BitterlyAlive]

You are way too harsh on yourself, Bitterly. Please try to challenge your negative self talk. Would you talk to others the way you talk to yourself? I think not. Be kind to yourself.

I honestly don't feel like I deserve it. I'm not saying that for pity, I feel like I deserve horrible punishment. Part of me is wondering if this is my new med. I started Ritalin two days ago. But I don't feel like that excuses my actions or what I've said. Logic tells me to stop taking it for a few days to see if it reduces this agitation, but my brain is screaming that I need to stay on it, I deserve this pain. God.

As regards wanting to kill yourself well, that doesn't make you evil at all. I guess you meant that for other reason.

Thank you, really. But I didn't mean it for another reason.

 

[mahakaliSS_MahaDurga]

I honestly don't feel like I deserve it. I'm not saying that for pity, I feel like I deserve horrible punishment. Part of me is wondering if this is my new med. I started Ritalin two days ago. But I don't feel like that excuses my actions or what I've said. Logic tells me to stop taking it for a few days to see if it reduces this agitation, but my brain is screaming that I need to stay on it, I deserve this pain. God.

Why do you think you deserve the pain? Are you feeling guilty about anything specific? I'd suggest to stay on the med to experience some benefits from it.

 

[BitterlyAlive]

Are you feeling guilty about anything specific?

Yes. I fucking know better but I've been running my mouth anyway. I've probably hurt a few people with my behavior. There's no excuse for this.

 

[mahakaliSS_MahaDurga]

Yes. I fucking know better but I've been running my mouth anyway. I've probably hurt a few people with my behavior. There's no excuse for this.

You are on Ritalin and you are not used to it. I think that is a very good excuse.

 

[BitterlyAlive]

You are on Ritalin and you are not used to it. I think that is a very good excuse.

You're very kind.
@mahakali88 I'm sorry, I'm not upset with you. I'm not trying to be argumentative...

 

[Ghost2211]

I've never seen you say or do anything I would consider evil or bad. We all need help sometimes, and sometimes it takes a lot. I'm always here if you want or need to talk. Starting a new med can really mess you up emotionally. Try to give yourself a break, and do something nice for yourself. Vent all you need

 

[BitterlyAlive]

I'm always here if you want or need to talk. Starting a new med can really mess you up emotionally.

Thank you. If this is the med, it's fucking me up. I feel like I need to hurt myself very badly.

 

[Ghost2211]

Thank you. If this is the med, it's fucking me up. I feel like I need to hurt myself very badly.

If it started when you started the med or shortly after you should mention it to your doctor. It might not be a good fit for you

 

[x~Sophia~x]

Thank you. If this is the med, it's fucking me up. I feel like I need to hurt myself very badly.

The first few weeks are always the worst on new meds. They can make you feel more suicidal and more agitated. Don't stop taking them, as they will hopefully be helpful to you once you've become accustomed to them. When you feel really bad, talk about it, as you have done here. You have so much support in this group, so vent away until you feel better.

 

[BitterlyAlive]

If it started when you started the med or shortly after you should mention it to your doctor. It might not be a good fit for you

I asked him about the drug worsening my anxiety, despite it being a low dose. He said if that happens, I can just stop taking it. I understand that this could be transient and will stop in a few days. Holy fuck it's excruciating though.

The first few weeks are always the worst on new meds. They can make you feel more suicidal and more agitated. Don't stop taking them, as they will hopefully be helpful to you once you've become accustomed to them. When you feel really bad, talk about it, as you have done here. You have so much support in this group, so vent away until you feel better.

The meds that have worsened suicidality in the past caused a more numb urge to kill myself, if that makes sense. Generally could be ignored, but still bothers me since I impulsively attempted suicide on one of the meds. This is far worse.

 

[x~Sophia~x]

I asked him about the drug worsening my anxiety, despite it being a low dose. He said if that happens, I can just stop taking it. I understand that this could be transient and will stop in a few days. Holy fuck it's excruciating though.

Give it a bit more time, and be mindful that your emotions may be due to this new medication, which is a common symptom I'm afraid. :(

 

[BitterlyAlive]

Give it a bit more time, and be mindful that your emotions may be due to this new medication, which is a common symptom I'm afraid. :(

Yeah. Despite how I feel, I'm not going to do anything stupid. I hurt myself but told myself that's enough, doing any more would be bad. I really want to do more, but I can't right now.

 

[mahakaliSS_MahaDurga]

Yeah. Despite how I feel, I'm not going to do anything stupid. I hurt myself but told myself that's enough, doing any more would be bad. I really want to do more, but I can't right now.

What is your diagnosis, if you don't mind me asking?

 

[BitterlyAlive]

What is your diagnosis, if you don't mind me asking?

Generalized anxiety disorder, dysthymia/major depressive disorder, CPTSD. It's all been very bad for a year, the dysthymia has developed into a horrible double depression. I just got a psych eval a few months ago, and I bring up my concerns about my diagnoses to my therapist.

 

[chrisbate7]

I asked him about the drug worsening my anxiety, despite it being a low dose. He said if that happens, I can just stop taking it. I understand that this could be transient and will stop in a few days. Holy fuck it's excruciating though.

The meds that have worsened suicidality in the past caused a more numb urge to kill myself, if that makes sense. Generally could be ignored, but still bothers me since I impulsively attempted suicide on one of the meds. This is far worse.

Be careful with stimulants . They can make anxiety and anger go through the roof. I stopped taking adderall because of that exact reason

 

[BitterlyAlive]

Be careful with stimulants . They can make anxiety and anger go through the roof. I stopped taking adderall because of that exact reason

Right, right. I'm already a very anxious person, so I was wary. But the doc wants to help level out dopamine.

 

[Gnip]

Ritalin and other amphetamines can be ferocious medications to be on. I ultimately topped out on 150 daily mg of quick release Ritalin, Adderall and Dexedrine as my optimal amphetamine dosages before my response petered out. (Here's the good news if you want to lose weight. These drugs will initially shut down your appetite and rev up your metabolism so you lose all the weight you want. Now here's the bad news. That weight loss will be temporary, and if you don't concentrate on maintaining your ideal weight after you drop down to it, you'll rebound back fatter than ever. Forewarned is forearmed!)

 

[BitterlyAlive]

Ritalin and other amphetamines can be ferocious medications to be on. I ultimately topped out on 150 daily mg of quick release Ritalin, Adderall and Dexedrine as my optimal amphetamine dosages before my response petered out. (Here's the good news if you want to lose weight. These drugs will initially shut down your appetite and rev up your metabolism so you lose all the weight you want. Now here's the bad news. That weight loss will be temporary, and if you don't concentrate on maintaining your ideal weight after you drop down to it, you'll rebound back fatter than ever. Forewarned is forearmed!)

Thanks, mate. Appreciate the info. Sounds like you were on a lot of meds :o How was that for you?

My doc wants to get more dopamine in me...not a fan of Ritalin so far, but it's better than another antipsychotic I guess.

 

[Xocoyotziin]

I just wanted to point out that talking more freely is absolutely a common effect of being on harder stimulants like ritalin or adderall. I remember when I was on it I was a talking machine and I couldn't stand being interrupted or having my train of thought cut off by an outside force. If you're naturally ashamed of everything you say for whatever reason it follows that talking more freely, and perhaps more out of turn, will spike that shame, simply because there's more material for you to criticize. But if the premises that you use for criticizing yourself aren't valid, then it isn't the fact that you're talking more often that's the problem, but how you reflect on the things you say.

 

[Gnip]

Thanks, mate. Appreciate the info. Sounds like you were on a lot of meds :o How was that for you?

My doc wants to get more dopamine in me...not a fan of Ritalin so far, but it's better than another antipsychotic I guess.

Certainly it was taxing to my body, and people who knew me told me I was obviously jittery outwardly, but inwardly, I could focus and concentrate on difficult tasks until I completed them. Failure to do this is what later qualified me for Social Security Disability Income after medications stopped working. (This is the biggest crippler for those who have AD/HD, difficulty finishing off whatever's been started, or even getting started in the first place. Assholes will also ruthlessly exploit your distractibility for their own gain, especially family members. Assertiveness training for standing up to these pricks is priceless here, and the only book worth reading on assertiveness training is, "When I Say No, I Feel Guilty," by Manuel J. Smith.)

I followed the information Hallowell and Ratey detailed in their bestsellers "Driven to Distraction" and "Answers to Distraction," that the dosage should be increased until one stops improving or begins to experience intolerable symptoms of overdose. At 120 mg brand name Ritalin, my psychiatrist remarked that I seemed to be doing fine, but I persisted in getting the dose increased to 150 mg, and experienced a quantum improvement in my concentration ability with tasks like heavy reading and research. In experimenting with doses as high as 200 mg, I didn't suffer overdose symptoms, but neither did I improve at all, establishing 150 mg Ritalin as my optimal dose.

Previously, a general practitioner was satisfied that I was sitting still quietly and listening to him on a tiny dose of 15 mg extended release generic methylphenidate, but I fired him because I was not taking drugs for anybody except myself. (When I told him that 15 mg methylphenidate was not helping me in any way, he said, "You're there! Ask your mother! Ask your friends! Ask your family!" My employee was actually telling me that the ONLY person whose opinion did not matter in my treatment was my own! WRONG!!! It's MY opinion which was the ONLY opinion that counts!)

A couple years later, I met a psychiatrist who was new to my area, and she knew I'd read everything Hallowell and Ratey had written, two Harvard Medical School psychiatrists who had been diagnosed with AD/HD themselves. (Additionally, Ned Hallowell was diagnosed as dyslexic.) Among the very first things she ever said to me was, "You probably know more about adult AD/HD than I or any of my colleagues, clinching a relationship which lasted the next 18 years (when she closed her practice then ended her career in medicine).


Today we know that these drugs can be dangerous to the heart in adults, causing conditions like aortic dissections. In any event, my tolerance to amphetamines is now permanent, so there's no point to my ever trying them again.


Before I began on what eventually became 150 mg Ritalin, I was soaking my brain in caffeine as a stimulant for concentrating on heavy reading, guzzling cups and glasses of free coffee and cola refills during quiet restaurant hours. As my dose of Ritalin titrated upwards, my intake of caffeine spontaneously diminished, until all I was drinking was water with a slice of lemon.