Venting I feel like such a monster

[Hirokami]

So, I found out one of my friends attempted to ctb and is now in the hospital for it. We had a bit off a falling out after she confessed to me and I told her that it wasn't going to work out. For starters, I am already taken and have no desire to be in an open relationship with her (even though she hinted at wanting that before). Two, even if I were single, she frankly isn't my type personality-wise (though, I still respect and care about her as a person). In any case, she left me on read and I figured she just needed space to heal. I felt really guilty that I hurt her like that, though I assumed it would pass as she's been through a lot in her life. And she keeps saying she's tough as nails, so I didn't think much of it. She was even still semi-active on her Discord server. Needless to say, she wasn't doing as well as I thought and now I feel horrible. She was already going through a lot of shit, and maybe my rejection worsened it. Maybe that was the final straw. Don't know. Part of me wants to believe she's just faking it and her "friend" is just her (after all, the message was sent from the same account as hers, though said friend claims to have borrowed her phone). Could be my denial, though.

I still feel pretty fucked up and somewhat dissociative, as if it didn't fully register in my head. God, if I inevitably lead someone into ctb ... I don't know how I could live with myself. Before I used to just be a nuisance and a burden. How the fuck could I cope with potentially leading someone I care about to their grave? Sorry if I'm rambling but I'm barely here and have nowhere else to vent.

 

[Ta555]

You are not obligated to be in any kind of relationship with anyone. There are truly monstrous people who goad and bully and encourage people to kill themselves with constant emotional and mental abuse. This was not you. You do not owe your friend a relationship no matter how much she wants it. Her CTB was her choice and hers alone. This is not in any way your fault. First person I ever dated as a teen who was a few years older than me used to tell me that when their ex left them they wanted to kill themselves they were so upset. Took me a while to realise how manipulative this was, just trying to make guilt me into staying. It's fucked up and I hate them to this day. This is not your fault.

 

[FuneralCry]

All people have the right to exit at a time of their own choosing, it is their life and their decision after all. It really doesn't sound like it is your fault. I'm sorry you are going through this, I know that it is hard to carry on when you are suffering so much. I wish you the best.

 

[whatevs]

What can you do if you dont like her in that way? I see no fault from your end at all. You just told her, apparently respectfully, what your feelings were, which was the right thing to do.

 

[Dot]

U respctd hr b/ b-ing hnest - is wht a frnd wld d/. Tht it ws dffclt fr ur frnd 2 hr = nt ur flt.

 

[UpandDownPrincess]

You didn't do anything wrong. Repeat that over and over until you start to believe it. It's true. You didn't do anything wrong.

No one can make someone ctb. If someone takes your words and fashions them into an excuse, that's on them. Even if she did it as some sort of twisted revenge fantasy, that's on her. It really doesn't have anything to do with you.

Think hard about the people you meet here. Regardless of what's going on in our lives, we all have our own reasons for being here and for trying to ctb. We routinely talk people down from committing such an act as an impulse or based on what someone else is doing. It is exclusively the decision of the person who chooses to ctb.

Remember, too, that this act can be a gesture or cry for attention. There are many people here who have posted that they have only "attempted" previously - that they knew they were unlikely to catch the bus but gave it a try out of loneliness, boredom, frustration or anger. An attempt does not necessarily mean a sincere desire to end one's life.

I will add this, just in case: if you do find out that she is lying, RUN. Regardless of your previous relationship, you should not get anywhere near someone who would pull such a stunt. Nothing good can happen if you try to go forward with such a person.

 

[Nanako]

It's not your fault and deep down you know that. You need to get rid of that feeling before it consumes you and your life becomes even more unbearable.

 

[dreadpirateroberts69]

Yeah, as others have said, it's really not your fault. It's just an unfortunate situation. You don't know what was going through her head when she did it, it's likely that it had very little or nothing to do with you, especially if you were not romantically/sexually involved with this person in the past. How did you find out about her attempt? Have you spoken to her since?