nootthenoot
Your local cat lover
- Oct 11, 2022
- 50
I plan to do it again tonight. Everything is ready to go for the most part. But I'm scared. What if SI takes over again and I lose motivation? I'm already feeling it creep in. I've been waiting to do this for weeks. I'm genuinely afraid that I'll chicken out again, or something will come up that will make me have to postpone. But what is the point of postponing something important because you don't feel like it? I have to do it before the new year, or else there will be no point. But what if I become a vegetable because of this? What if it all fails? Why do I have to be alive in the first place? Why isn't suicide easier to do without worrying about failing? This all would of been easier if I had access to a better income and SN. I keep wishing every day that I had a cup of water and SN on hand. Instead of having to figure out all the logistics of this, I could of spent my last moments listening to a playlist of my favorite songs, in my bed, while having a semi-peaceful death. Perhaps instead I can use a plastic bag over my head to CTB? But that is rather unreliable. Maybe the only reason my SI is this way is because of my method. It is the only way I can do this for a bunch of reasons, but it's also really scary. But then again, stuff like this is always going to be scary. I just need to get over that fear...I've read online that drowning (after the initial shock and fight) is a rather pleasant way to go. This fact helps me a lot to deal with it.
Another thing bugging me is the fact that this will almost certainly loo like a response to conflict. Apparently the therapist in charge of trying to 'save' me broke confidentiality on something serious. It wasn't anything he was required to report too, which sucked. I confronted him about this today over text and he apologized, but now I'm kind of worried that this would look like a revenge tactic/maladaptive coping, especially with my stupid BPD diagnoses I doubt I actually have. I have to do it anyway. This is what I want for myself. I've come to peace with death, and honestly I'm ready to go. It's either I do this tonight or on Friday night. These are both days I spoke/will speak to him. There is no turning around now. I'm done with life in general. This entire thing has been a headache for me.
I'll post another goodbye thread when I'm about to leave for the river. If I don't just assume that I chickened out again. Wish me luck in overcoming my SI in time for later tonight ^^
Another thing bugging me is the fact that this will almost certainly loo like a response to conflict. Apparently the therapist in charge of trying to 'save' me broke confidentiality on something serious. It wasn't anything he was required to report too, which sucked. I confronted him about this today over text and he apologized, but now I'm kind of worried that this would look like a revenge tactic/maladaptive coping, especially with my stupid BPD diagnoses I doubt I actually have. I have to do it anyway. This is what I want for myself. I've come to peace with death, and honestly I'm ready to go. It's either I do this tonight or on Friday night. These are both days I spoke/will speak to him. There is no turning around now. I'm done with life in general. This entire thing has been a headache for me.
I'll post another goodbye thread when I'm about to leave for the river. If I don't just assume that I chickened out again. Wish me luck in overcoming my SI in time for later tonight ^^