Venting i feel like it always comes back to this

[DepressedAngel]

i'm so tired. i'm sorry i only come back here when i feel like this, and with my suspected bipolar disorder, it happens every month or so... i started dating a girl a couple of months ago. one of my best friends, actually. she broke up with me. after telling me i was toxic, talked about my feelings too much, and put her in a bad position. i feel terrible. i love her so much, i never meant to hurt her. i apologized to her, and she said i was doing it for myself, and not for her. it hurts. she says she's not upset, she says "why would i be?" because the thing is, i tried to break up with her, because i feel awful and she was the only thing i was living for. if i "got rid of her" so to speak, there would be nothing keeping me here. i would be free to ctb. but when i told her i wanted to break up, she said she had been thinking about it for a while... imagine how that made me feel... the person most important to me, who had just told me the day before she was bored of me, had been keeping things from me. was i the one who brought up marriage? no. did i bring up anything about sex until she did? no. she was the one who had wanted me first, and somehow that hurts more; knowing that i'm still not enough. i'll never be enough. i really do think i'll go through with it this time, unless i end up asking for help and end up in the hospital again haha. its just so funny to me that this is the same time last year that i was there, and the same issues. people getting bored of me, i'm not enough... etc. she called me toxic, and more things that i'm afraid to tell anyone, because then they may see that i really am those things too. it hurts. a lot. i haven't been able to eat, drink, shower, change my clothes, or care for myself for nearly a week. i want to hate her, but i'm still in love. she says i treated her like garbage, and called her a fuckup, just like me. i know i'm a fuckup, but i would never, ever call anyone i love that. she was perfect in my eyes. she told me i need to try harder. i think that hurt the most. i try so so hard. i try every day. just getting up is a challenge. i'm so tired. i don't want to be here anymore. i wish i didn't have to do this, but i think i do. goodnight, i love all of you ♡ please let me know what you think of this situation. i have a friend who thinks she was using me the whole time, but that doesn't feel right to me. all i know is that i hurt her, somehow, without realizing it, and she's cut me off, and is over me in a day. anyways, sorry for the long rant. goodnight :)

 

[Deleted member 22624]

It's really shit, I'm so sorry. On the meager plus side, these feelings will pass, then you'll be back where you were. She obviously didn't understand at all what you go through, don't take it personally. At least now you see the limitations of that friendship now rather than later. While it is liberating to be free of commitments for CTB, it is an irreversible decision with potential for calamitous disaster and suffering, so please don't go doing things on a whim, however bad you feel. If you had good times with her, then you can still find someone else with more understanding to have the same again. Don't think less of yourself, change what you can if you'd like to, and accept the rest of yourself. Find someone who accepts you and your difficulties. People are programmed to look past faults of people they love. If you think a part of you is toxic, there are plenty of guides on how to recognize it and change. You sound like a good person to me!

 

[DepressedAngel]

It's really shit, I'm so sorry. On the meager plus side, these feelings will pass, then you'll be back where you were. She obviously didn't understand at all what you go through, don't take it personally. At least now you see the limitations of that friendship now rather than later. While it is liberating to be free of commitments for CTB, it is an irreversible decision with potential for calamitous disaster and suffering, so please don't go doing things on a whim, however bad you feel. If you had good times with her, then you can still find someone else with more understanding to have the same again. Don't think less of yourself, change what you can if you'd like to, and accept the rest of yourself. Find someone who accepts you and your difficulties. People are programmed to look past faults of people they love. If you think a part of you is toxic, there are plenty of guides on how to recognize it and change. You sound like a good person to me!

i guess that's a plus, but it really just feels like my life is a circle that goes back and forth between wanting to live and wanting to die. even when i'm on top of the world, i know it can't last, so its bittersweet. I had a friend who told me not to do things on a whim, but i did it anyways and ended up here :/ however, i'm glad that i said that, since now i know what she was too scared to tell me. the thing that sucks, is that she also struggles with depression, so you'd think she would understand? i don't know...i love you so much for saying this, i really needed this. thank you ♡