Venting I feel like I’m turning evil or something

[PointlessStruggle]

I try to be a good guy however I can. But as time goes on I feel like I'm just growing hateful. I'm in this weird state where I can't bear the thought of being rude to someone no matter how much I hate them, but while I talk to them I can only think of how much I hate them. There is such a dissonance in my thoughts and actions that its freaking me out. Usually what happens is I'll be having an alright day just trying to ignore suicide fuel and then I'll stumble upon something by accident that triggers in incredibly intense urge to kill myself or others for like an hour or until I shower. I noticed that showers tend to reset my brain sort of and make me chill out. But I realized that probably 40% of my "active thoughts" (not counting just playing videos games or zoning out, more like thinking or talking) are just intense aimless violence. I don't think I'd ever do anything I think about, but I always dream of having this big tower-generator like thing that creates a massive world destroying black hole. And just having a button that turns it on. I broadcast myself on every screen in the world declaring my hatred and misery and then press the button, starting the generator. It just kinda revs up for like a day giving people time to panic and scurry. Then an hour before it happens, killing everyone including me, someone I know comes up behind me somehow and begs for me to stop and I just turn around and say I cant do anything now. I just tell them to leave and dangle my legs off the edge sitting on a balcony and wait for oblivion. I think about this scenario with various twists each time constantly for some reason. Not sure why it appeals to me so much. I think its jealousy. Seeing people living my dream causes me panic inducing anguish every time. And my dream is simple. Its cliche but I just want to be loved. And seeing other people get that but never me is soul crushing. I'm typing this wile studying for my psychology class. Wonder if we'll cover what makes people like how I feel sometime. rant over back to work

 

[ecmnesia]

had kind of the same experience, without the dream feature. felt extreme hate and disgust towards everyone no matter the circumstances, even though I talked/acted normally.

on my part, i think it was moved by jealously, at least to some extent. like you, i wanted to be loved. on the other hand, there was also the fact that everywhere I looked i could only see the flaws inherent to humanity, the injustice, the violence, the misery and basically the meaningless freak show that existence is.

i don't know what this is all about. but please do tell if you find out in your classes.

i don't have anything heart warming to say, but yeah... hope you get better, i guess?

 

[PointlessStruggle]

had kind of the same experience, without the dream feature. felt extreme hate and disgust towards everyone no matter the circumstances, even though I talked/acted normally.

on my part, i think it was moved by jealously, at least to some extent. like you, i wanted to be loved. on the other hand, there was also the fact that everywhere I looked i could only see the flaws inherent to humanity, the injustice, the violence, the misery and basically the meaningless freak show that existence is.

i don't know what this is all about. but please do tell if you find out in your classes.

i don't have anything heart warming to say, but yeah... hope you get better, i guess?

I feel like I'm somewhat on the mend lately but still not great. Worst was probably in February last year. I had a shitty day and almost snapped and assaulted people but stopped myself and regained my cool. I think it was a good thing in retrospect since it sort of forced me to look at myself and be like "dude you almost killed people holy shit. do not do that man"

 

[ecmnesia]

feel like I'm somewhat on the mend lately but still not great.

same.

do you have those urges frequently?
i rarely dive in these intrusive thoughts of mine, but a few times i felt like I was about to snap and do some awful shit. it's not like I want to do it, but i also don't want to not do it. idk.

 

[PointlessStruggle]

same.

do you have those urges frequently?
i rarely dive in these intrusive thoughts of mine, but a few times i felt like I was about to snap and do some awful shit. it's not like I want to do it, but i also don't want to not do it. idk.

I usually pace in circles in my bedroom+bathroom in an L shaped pattern for around 2 hours a day indulging these thoughts (late at night, after waking up, or both) and then get on with my day. I like pairing it with the song "final hours" from a game I like a lot

Usually thats the extent of it although sometimes I do other stuff. A few months ago once I just stared at myself in my mirror for about 3 hours silently until my hand left a print on it. And sometimes I walk at night, lie down somewhere, and just look at the sky and weep.

 

[ecmnesia]

I usually pace in circles in my bedroom+bathroom in an L shaped pattern for around 2 hours a day indulging these thoughts (late at night, after waking up, or both) and then get on with my day. I like pairing it with the song "final hours" from a game I like a lot

Usually thats the extent of it although sometimes I do other stuff. A few months ago once I just stared at myself in my mirror for about 3 hours silently until my hand left a print on it. And sometimes I walk at night, lie down somewhere, and just look at the sky and weep.

not to be mean. but honestly, yours are way worse than mine. i never got to that point so I can't really relate.

 

[anothing]

Pain is just such an overwhelming experience, coming from someone with ocd, it sometimes helps to disassociate your more visceral feelings from yourself. I feel so much hate, but what I really want is for people to be happy, to not suffer, to be loved, you are a good person because you're worried about not being one. All is forgiven

 

[PointlessStruggle]

not to be mean. but honestly, yours are way worse than mine. i never got to that point so I can't really relate.

It doesn't happen that much at least that's just if I'm really getting nailed. Usually I just shower or go to sleep as soon as stuff starts getting nasty

Pain is just such an overwhelming experience, coming from someone with ocd, it sometimes helps to disassociate your more visceral feelings from yourself. I feel so much hate, but what I really want is for people to be happy, to not suffer, to be loved, you are a good person because you're worried about not being one. All is forgiven

I project all my "evil" thoughts into a fictional evil clone named after my full name (my name is usually shortened to a nickname) that I talk to. It helps me feel like it's some sort of outside nefarious influence rather than myself. The only downside is talking to this guy makes me look like a kook lol

 

[hoping to lose hope]

We either become bitter or compassionate from suffering.
It is likely that neurotypicals do the same thing quite often.
Thoughts are fine OP but nice thoughts are better.
I went the other route and am incapable of hating anyone even those that harm me greatly.

 

[PointlessStruggle]

We either become bitter or compassionate from suffering.
It is likely that neurotypicals do the same thing quite often.
Thoughts are fine OP but nice thoughts are better.
I went the other route and am incapable of hating anyone even those that harm me greatly.

It's sort of paradoxial because I think on an even deeper level I want to help most people as well, and thats the impulse I usually act on. Neither route would really change stuff for me I think though

 

[blueflame]

Wow you're not evil nor turning evil imo your emotions are just very...big? Just the fact that even when severly pushed you don't want to be a bad person makes you a good person, imo. Also I find it quite brave to be able to see and also acknowledge your own feelings tbh and I guess you're also very resilient haha...Anyway just continue to keep yourself in check, not that you're dangerous or anything but just to avoid creating negative circumstances for yourself. I think expressing your feelings with words in writing definitely helps keep your mind organized and your heart at peace. Also, remember to always be honest with yourself because once you realize your true intentions, you will realize your true nature, your true self....but again in case you're in doubt, I don't think you're evil nor turning evil.... It's just that as your emotions grow, you need to grow stronger with them to keep yourself balanced. Balanced and still aware, it's important. Anyway yeah take it for what it's worth ahah and do your best

 

[RedRed]

I feel the same and do the same (except the dreaming part). I'm a very bitter gal nowadays. But I tend to hide it quite efficiently. But I feel myself burning every time I hide it. I just hate it here.

 

[CoalmineCanary]