Venting i feel like i’m running out of time and i’m scared

[jigsaw_falling]

i haven't make peace with death or anything, i don't feel happy or okay with it. i want to feel better.

now though, i think it's hitting me how suicidal i am. i feel my emotions very intensely, so when i'm in a depressive episode or hating myself especially hard that day, i am 100% sure i want to die. but i'm chalked this intense urge to ctb up to breakdowns, brief moments in time, that i'll scoff at in a few days.

but now i find myself, even on days where i feel happy and okay, making a plan. it scares me, actually, it feels like a different part of my brain is making these decisions for me.

the urge to not exist has been increasing over the past 2 years, but recently it's felt a lot more real and it's honestly scary. i think i've been blocking this out because i have exams, and they've preoccupied my time and energy, kind of forced me to suck up my feelings (the best i can, anyway).

i don't have a ctb date i've chosen, but my ctb plans have gone from vague and more of a source of comfort, to something i feel has to happen, and soon. i know where the train tracks are that i'll go to, i know that i'll call my parents and tell them why i'm coming home late from therapy, i know i'll get drunk, and i know that i've started writing notes to my family.

i just genuinely don't know what to do, i'm trying to keep myself alive but it feels like death is almost, idk, calling to me? sounds cringe but idk how else to say it. or maybe it feels like something that will happen before i make peace with dying. it physically hurts thinking about all of this, im scared.

 

[illmissmydogthatsit]

I don't know what to say but I am in the exact same situation as you. Ctb went from a distant comfort to something much more imminent- and it is no longer comforting but something I dread. I haven't made peace with death and I am grieving what my life could have been. It's very scary and it does feel like a different part of my brain to the one that used to only fantasize/ have passing thoughts. All I want is to feel better but I never do, and there's only so much I can take.

 

[jigsaw_falling]

I don't know what to say but I am in the exact same situation as you. Ctb went from a distant comfort to something much more imminent- and it is no longer comforting but something I dread. I haven't made peace with death and I am grieving what my life could have been. It's very scary and it does feel like a different part of my brain to the one that used to only fantasize/ have passing thoughts. All I want is to feel better but I never do, and there's only so much I can take.

the idea of ctb is much more comforting when it's viewed from a distance, but as nothing gets better, it becomes something i feel i have to do because i just don't want to exist anymore. it feels especially cruel that we see potential in life and ourselves, but feel like we just don't have the strength to hold on to only maybe get through to the other side.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I read your message thoroughly. But I may I ask you, what is your peronal reason to think you should be dead instead of being alive? What are you suffering from that makes life not worth to be lived for you? When you know the reason and the source of it, you may have a chance to overcome CTB thoughts.

it feels especially cruel that we see potential in life and ourselves, but feel like we just don't have the strength to hold on to

Probably this is the problem that causes so much suffering for young people because the expectations our society has are far too high and not everyone can achieve them. I'm certainly not a pro-lifer but try to be convinced of your potentials and ignore others when they tell you "this is not enough" or sth similar.

Anyway to me CTB was always and will always be a legal option under certain circumstances, especially when I come to the conclusion that there is no other way out any more.

 

[jigsaw_falling]

I read your message thoroughly. But I may I ask you, what is your peronal reason to think you should be dead instead of being alive? What are you suffering from that makes life not worth to be lived for you? When you know the reason and the source of it, you may have a chance to overcome CTB thoughts.

most of my reasons to ctb stem from myself, and mental illness. an ed, anxiety, body dysmorphia, and depressive episodes have made me isolate myself, hate myself to the point i cry when i look in the mirror and just generally ruined my life and made every day a struggle. as i'm sure most people on sasu know, it's exhausting to constantly have to carry your own thoughts and self hatred and panic around with you every day.

i do think i know the source of my ctb thoughts, (i think) im pretty good at being self aware, but i'm just so tired. and i also feel so guilty for existing, just being alive and sometimes enjoying life feels like something i don't deserve.

i do try, i battle between that part of my brain, and the part telling me that i'm not disgusting or pathetic and i do have things to give to the world. but the first half is winning, and i've only recently realised just by how much.

though, thank you for the message:)

 

[FuneralCry]

Existing here certainly is so torturous and it sounds really tiring what you have to endure, but anyway death will come eventually whether one is at peace with the idea of it or not, it's all that we are destined for, existence is just a meaningless distraction from the fact that all that lies ahead is to cease existing where everything will finally be forgotten about. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[jonward55]

Mine are simply money related and now I can't even buy a nice death.

 

[BlankZeroNone]

Why do you feel guilty for existing?

 

[jigsaw_falling]

Why do you feel guilty for existing?

i think i just have a lot of self hatred, and i feel guilty for taking up too much space. both physically and metaphorically (because i'm so miserable, i feel like i'm doing nothing worthwhile being alive)

 

[FrostedHoax]

I don't know if this'll make you feel any better but I'll just say that this is kinda what happened to me early this year but I know the exact reason why. I went from kind of passively thinking about suicide (I thought I'd do it in a couple of years or so by shooting myself) to being completely sure that I wanted to do it this year. The reason for that was that where I live, you have to be 21 or older to purchase a handgun through a licensed dealer and I just turned 21 a few months ago. It kinda just hit me all of a sudden, I realized that I was 21 and that it meant I'd be able to just get a handgun quite easily. Once that happened, my plans for suicide became a lot more concrete and I now have the gun as well as a good idea of how I want to go out.

i just genuinely don't know what to do, i'm trying to keep myself alive but it feels like death is almost, idk, calling to me? sounds cringe but idk how else to say it. or maybe it feels like something that will happen before i make peace with dying. it physically hurts thinking about all of this, im scared.

I resonate strongly with this. It feels like this world doesn't want me here any longer and that it's long time that I go to the other side and if there is an afterlife, then my soul will go wherever it belongs over there.

Anyway, I'm sorry you're feeling this way and I wish you all the best.