Venting i feel like i'm past my expiration date

[speck]

I went to a therapist about 5 years ago and expressed so many thoughts about why I am the way I am, and she told me that I needed to give myself some credit because I had been parenting myself as an adult. Because I had such a stunted upbringing, mastering every single adult task has been a monumental struggle for me- I can no longer bear to figure this all out on my own, and have to work so much harder to stay alive- while my peers seem to glide by.
Sometimes I have a day or two where I think I could get over the loss of all my hopes and dreams for the future. I think about how maybe I could get my life together still, maybe I could have a life worth living. I look at job listings in other cities, I look at apartments that maybe I could scrape together enough money to get, sometimes I look at those cheap house listings in rural areas. But then I remember how isolated and alone I am: no family, no friends, no references- and I'm overwhelmed with grief. I can't get out of my situation and even if I did, I don't think I could ever get over the pain and trauma that I've endured for so many years.
I just lay around and think about dying all the time now, and the misery washes over me for days. Sometimes, I am so depressed that I just feel physical pain. I feel like a soda can being crushed. I have saved enough money for N and I know I need to just order it and put an end to it- but I just keep waiting for a miracle or a sign. I think before spring, I will be going. The longer I stay alive, the worse I feel. I know a lot of people here feel sad and ready to go, surfing this site sometimes feels like the only place I have to go.

 

[OminousVaL]

I can relate to some of what you have said. Thank you for sharing.

 

[Ihate314]

I went to a therapist about 5 years ago and expressed so many thoughts about why I am the way I am, and she told me that I needed to give myself some credit because I had been parenting myself as an adult. Because I had such a stunted upbringing, mastering every single adult task has been a monumental struggle for me- I can no longer bear to figure this all out on my own, and have to work so much harder to stay alive- while my peers seem to glide by.
Sometimes I have a day or two where I think I could get over the loss of all my hopes and dreams for the future. I think about how maybe I could get my life together still, maybe I could have a life worth living. I look at job listings in other cities, I look at apartments that maybe I could scrape together enough money to get, sometimes I look at those cheap house listings in rural areas. But then I remember how isolated and alone I am: no family, no friends, no references- and I'm overwhelmed with grief. I can't get out of my situation and even if I did, I don't think I could ever get over the pain and trauma that I've endured for so many years.
I just lay around and think about dying all the time now, and the misery washes over me for days. Sometimes, I am so depressed that I just feel physical pain. I feel like a soda can being crushed. I have saved enough money for N and I know I need to just order it and put an end to it- but I just keep waiting for a miracle or a sign. I think before spring, I will be going. The longer I stay alive, the worse I feel. I know a lot of people here feel sad and ready to go, surfing this site sometimes feels like the only place I have to go.

I went to a therapist about 5 years ago and expressed so many thoughts about why I am the way I am, and she told me that I needed to give myself some credit because I had been parenting myself as an adult. Because I had such a stunted upbringing, mastering every single adult task has been a monumental struggle for me- I can no longer bear to figure this all out on my own, and have to work so much harder to stay alive- while my peers seem to glide by.
Sometimes I have a day or two where I think I could get over the loss of all my hopes and dreams for the future. I think about how maybe I could get my life together still, maybe I could have a life worth living. I look at job listings in other cities, I look at apartments that maybe I could scrape together enough money to get, sometimes I look at those cheap house listings in rural areas. But then I remember how isolated and alone I am: no family, no friends, no references- and I'm overwhelmed with grief. I can't get out of my situation and even if I did, I don't think I could ever get over the pain and trauma that I've endured for so many years.
I just lay around and think about dying all the time now, and the misery washes over me for days. Sometimes, I am so depressed that I just feel physical pain. I feel like a soda can being crushed. I have saved enough money for N and I know I need to just order it and put an end to it- but I just keep waiting for a miracle or a sign. I think before spring, I will be going. The longer I stay alive, the worse I feel. I know a lot of people here feel sad and ready to go, surfing this site sometimes feels like the only place I have to go.
I used to think I could try to start over in a new place, but I cannot leave this area related to my responsibilities as a single parent. I think about dying all the time now. I bought a shotgun a few weeks ago, but have been intimidated by it. I do not fear death, but I do fear I may just end up disabled or a vegetable.

 

[timetogo12345]

know I need to just order it and put an end to it- but I just keep waiting for a miracle or a sign.

Me too bro, I know that feeling

 

[Good4Nothing]