I even think of the sperm competing to fertilize an egg and the whole thing seems so cruel, as others have alluded to this competitive nature in life. Parents parade their own children and degrade or downplay others', ex girlfriends and boyfriends and their new beaus or belles try to humiliate and completely blame the other and won't even try to see it from the others' point of view to try and empathize what they are experiencing, tribalism, exclusivism, self-righteousness, myopia, et cetera. It almost makes me believe in the Biblical version of Satan at times, how he's Lord of this world, but then again, the Biblical God seems pretty ruthless too, that His son would have to die to satisfy his justice requirements, and then there's that whole substitutionary atonement thing, which seems wrong in a sense, though I may cling to Christ so to speak in my last moments out of sheer and mortal (or immortal) terror, despite my not living like a Christian.
Other times I just see everything as just evolution and science, which in some ways seems better than having a supernatural belief, at least one that condemns some of us to eternal torment. How are people okay with that? Maybe suffering to be healed and made perfect so to speak, then release into bliss, but this eternal ongoing suffering ... and so many religious people seem to have the audacity, or are so fearful, to defend their beliefs at all costs. I've encountered this with atheists too, it seems more people want to be certain, whether it be a Christian, a Spiritual Satanist, a Muslim, I suppose Hindu (though I don't know much about it so I'm going out on a branch, but look at the caste system, even if that's not religiously motivated per se, it shows a lot about people's behaviors, as well as such things as war and slave owning, murder and so on) and so on. I would like answers too, but maybe it can't be learned from a religion but is a much more inclusive and universal love.
Makes me believe we're all just slightly more evolved apes running around, just look at how nasty our genitals really are up close. I don't know, I just don't know lol. Life has some touching aspects, people can do some beautiful and selfless things, but behind that selflessness I wonder how much is based on covert suicide by nihilist behavior thing, like the people who go into horrible countries to help others. Indeed many religions, though not all, view this life and world as an imposition of sorts, something to be liberated from. Some say make the most of today though and this is all we have, everyone has different opinions but I try to take what I can from all of them. Sorry, rambled. My hope is that after death we simply cease to exist, or we go to a place where pain and boredom and so on cannot be felt. I can see why it's written that we are conceived in sin, if that is correct, not because of any fault of our own, but how messed up this world is, and parents are in a way just for having children in the first place, though I don't judge those who do, it's something I couldn't do, and there are some who seem to really care for and mean the best for their children. But indeed, happy are those who have never been born, or however that quote goes. Better to have never been, I still basically believe, though I guess I have hope still, and fear, and guilt keeping me here. But more negative than positive.
I'm a very angry person as well, at people who have hurt me and been intentionally cruel to me, and at myself for not learning from my mistakes and not seeing how s8itty I can often be. But I'm better at my self control when angry than I used to be. I suppose drugs have helped some, and trying to better my diet, but I suspect I am too interpersonally damaged and genetically messed up to lead a truly happy life, though dxm helped for awhile, but it became more dysphoric and I am too scared to buy illegal drugs though some are indeed intriguing. So I'm trying to eat better too, diphenhydramine to cloud my brain up when needed, a cigarette if I really need one, try not to smoke more than one every few days, et cetera, et cetera. Still, I think we are here to love, in my idealist heart, and that love is really all that matters, beyond the fear, beyond the ego. But boundaries are also important too I believe.
Time for bed lol.
