I feel like I'm betraying my family

[StrangeAndDeath]

I was extremely smart for my age when I was 12. But I quickly realized that life was pointless because of that. So, in the years since then, I've gradually shifted towards nihilism, which accelerated sharply after I came to the conclusion that religion is a scam. I was a really religious person previously.

My childhood wasn't rosy but it wasn't bad. My parents loved and cared for me even if they have no such love for each other. My siblings too are the best I could hope for and I really love them.

However, nothing is going to convince me to continue living. I don't see the sense in putting effort into a life that is meaningless. This has affected me because any sort of effort is a pointless activity to me and so I decided in March to ctb. I'm ready to do it now but I'm worried about my family.

Well, not worried per se, but I feel guilty. If I'm successful, all of their efforts go to nought. My entire family feels like I'll be the one to change their story. And they have so much hope and faith in me. I don't think they are wrong to think I can do whatever needs to be done -- I believe in myself in that regard. I just can't be arsed. I have no interest in being rich or famous. I have no interest in making my life better. I just want to stop existing.

I know I'll hurt them, but I can't stay anymore. Staying will only be postponing the hurt and disappointment for them, and extending the torture for me. It's really uncomfortable being alive when I am absolutely confident that I'd rather not be. Seeing the hope in their eyes when they talk to me is disturbing. I just want to go. But I think I'll break them. And all I want for them is peace and a life(should they choose it) free of trauma. It's ironic that I'll be the one to cause that trauma

 

[almaranthine]

My family used to feel the same way about me when I was young. I was supposed to be the first person in our family to "go to college" and while I did go, I essentially failed out. I will never fucking hear the end of it from these people either. My grandma passed away and left me some undisclosed sum of money which she apparently wanted me to use to go back to school. It's just sad. Even if I wanted to go back and finish my degree... I failed out! What is there to finish? It's like they just can't accept it. Well, I guess they can keep the money then (an uncle is executor of her estate) and when I'm dead they can wonder if they had just given me the money to pay my bills and get a decent place to live whether or not I would have kept living. Apparently, my grandma didn't even trust me to have access to the money, thinking I would blow it on random stuff and drugs... I've never even been a drug addict in my life. I smoked weed for years as a teenager/young adult but that's about it. Incredible to experience people's opinions of me fall so far. I hope the same doesn't happen to you. I'm sorry you feel so much pressure but have no motivation left inside of you. Best wishes.

 

[StrangeAndDeath]

My family used to feel the same way about me when I was young. I was supposed to be the first person in our family to "go to college" and while I did go, I essentially failed out. I will never fucking hear the end of it from these people either. My grandma passed away and left me some undisclosed sum of money which she apparently wanted me to use to go back to school. It's just sad. Even if I wanted to go back and finish my degree... I failed out! What is there to finish? It's like they just can't accept it. Well, I guess they can keep the money then (an uncle is executor of her estate) and when I'm dead they can wonder if they had just given me the money to pay my bills and get a decent place to live whether or not I would have kept living. Apparently, my grandma didn't even trust me to have access to the money, thinking I would blow it on random stuff and drugs... I've never even been a drug addict in my life. I smoked weed for years as a teenager/young adult but that's about it. Incredible to experience people's opinions of me fall so far. I hope the same doesn't happen to you. I'm sorry you feel so much pressure but have no motivation left inside of you. Best wishes.

Thank you

 

[makethepainstop]

I was extremely smart for my age when I was 12. But I quickly realized that life was pointless because of that. So, in the years since then, I've gradually shifted towards nihilism, which accelerated sharply after I came to the conclusion that religion is a scam. I was a really religious person previously.

My childhood wasn't rosy but it wasn't bad. My parents loved and cared for me even if they have no such love for each other. My siblings too are the best I could hope for and I really love them.

However, nothing is going to convince me to continue living. I don't see the sense in putting effort into a life that is meaningless. This has affected me because any sort of effort is a pointless activity to me and so I decided in March to ctb. I'm ready to do it now but I'm worried about my family.

Well, not worried per se, but I feel guilty. If I'm successful, all of their efforts go to nought. My entire family feels like I'll be the one to change their story. And they have so much hope and faith in me. I don't think they are wrong to think I can do whatever needs to be done -- I believe in myself in that regard. I just can't be arsed. I have no interest in being rich or famous. I have no interest in making my life better. I just want to stop existing.

I know I'll hurt them, but I can't stay anymore. Staying will only be postponing the hurt and disappointment for them, and extending the torture for me. It's really uncomfortable being alive when I am absolutely confident that I'd rather not be. Seeing the hope in their eyes when they talk to me is disturbing. I just want to go. But I think I'll break them. And all I want for them is peace and a life(should they choose it) free of trauma. It's ironic that I'll be the one to cause that trauma

Sometimes to gain relief we have to do things that might hurt. IF the stressors affecting you or anyone else, become too great to bear, then objections and SI do get overridden.....

 

[FuneralCry]

Life has never interested me as well. I've always personally seen enduring this existence not to be worth it in every single way, there is nothing appealing about being here, because as well as life being very pointless and of course it's unnecessary, there is unlimited potential for suffering which makes existing completely undesirable to me.

Your feelings of wishing to leave are understandable and I know that it can be a difficult situation to be in when you are leaving others behind, but the way that I see it, it isn't as though any of us asked to be here in the first place anyway and someday death will come for us all, so staying alive is just delaying the inevitable. I wish you freedom for when the time is right for you to leave.

 

[StrangeAndDeath]

Life has never interested me as well. I've always personally seen enduring this existence not to be worth it in every single way, there is nothing appealing about being here, because as well as life being very pointless and of course it's unnecessary, there is unlimited potential for suffering which makes existing completely undesirable to me.

Your feelings of wishing to leave are understandable and I know that it can be a difficult situation to be in when you are leaving others behind, but the way that I see it, it isn't as though any of us asked to be here in the first place anyway and someday death will come for us all, so staying alive is just delaying the inevitable. I wish you freedom for when the time is right for you to leave.

Thank you! Even though I just joined, your words always have a profound effect on me. All the best to you too

 

[EmbraceNothingness]

Life is such a sick joke

even to escape suffering you have to make others suffer