Pangolin
Perfecting my plan >:3
- Feb 3, 2024
- 32
I feel like my desire to ctb is over-dramatic. Life is nowhere near perfect but it isn't terrible either. I'm fed, I'm sheltered, arguably one could say I am loved, but it doesn't always feel like it. I feel like this is small, like I should be able to get through the rest of high school with hardly a scratch, I've got less than a semester left anyway. But I feel so overwhelmingly exhausted, emotionally and physically. I have to be dragged out of bed in the morning, literally. It's not like my suicidality is a secret, Ive had the cops called on me, I'm seeing a therapist, but I feel like no one really cares. Yes I have a boyfriend and two parents and a brother, people care I think, but I don't think it's really enough at the end of the day. I wish my boyfriend could love away my mental illnesses, and I could do the same for him. But no, we're both stuck in this shit ass place, where we both feel like shit and can't help each other. It's torturous sometimes, causing me to squirm with pain that isn't physical. I want some kind of magic pill, and everything in my brain is normal. But no, I have to live like this. I'm like a shitty Midas, everything I touch goes horribly. I hurt everyone I meet in some way. I'm a dictionary definition of a disappointment. But I still feel like my reason for ctb isn't valid.sorry, this is super rambly.
