Venting I feel like I'm being goaded into suicide

[MindFrog]

I've been stuck in my room for a week now. I'm only being fueled by bread and water of all things.

I had a massive fight with my mother cos I complained about being treated like shit in her house. It's like a cycle, they'll be civil at first but once I let my guard down they'll abuse me. So i shut myself here. I'm just so tired of walking on eggshells, bracing for the next time they'll blow up.

The walls of room are quite thin though. Yesterday I heard my mom making fun of me in front of her friends. Telling them how I sometimes say "I fucking wanna die." and then calling me dramatic. Hearing them laugh about it hurts so much.

Is that even normal? Do mothers do that to their daughters? Maybe it's justified BECAUSE i'm such a useless piece of shit. Maybe if I was successful in life she wouldn't say that?

But no. I know her. She was ashamed even when I was young. Telling me how embarrassing it is for her colleagues to look at a kid that looks so stressed for her age. Dismissing me or telling me it's my fault when I ask for emotional guidance.

Maybe that's why I never stand up against my bullies. I was so used to that behavior at home that I thought it was normal.

She was only civil with me cos I do all the house chores and watch her mother. It's funny how they're bribing me with food so I can do it again. I'd rather starve than pretend anymore. I hear her getting frustrated and saying how much of a fucking brat I am.

I know better now though. Even when i can't tell outright.

That I don't have to prove anything to her.
That she really didn't do shit.
That I don't need her approval.
That I don't owe her my life.

It still hurts though. How they think it's normal to abuse me. Physically and emotionally. Even before that I know what that is. I guess even from that start I have no chance to be loved.

Everything has to be fucking earned. I'm just so tired of working for it.

I do hope they just want me to die. Atleast It'll bring meaning to the abuse. Cos thinking that I won't kill myself even how much they hurt me would be fucking sadistic.

 

[Sadboyspecimen]

This sounds exactly like my relationship with my family

 

[FuneralCry]

Some people really are so cruel and to me it's just so awful how people create more suffering in this world. I'm sorry that you are trapped in this situation.

 

[woknows]

I do not think is a normal thing for a parent to joke about with her friends. I think that you should move away from a toxic environment and maybe you can still heal and arrange your life. The last part is hard if you grew up without proper parental support and have lots of emotional scars cause of it.

 

[eldiablo666]

Im sorry for your situation.

Life is a cruel joke only sadistic people breeds new life into.
My advice would be , Endure it and ignore your mother. There are many like her. Humans in general are evil. This is just a fact you'll have to get used to. Media portrays something totally different. In this life you can start to learn how to survive and right now you're not learning , you're distracted by your mothers sick and evil behaviour. You need to focus on your sanity in this situation and put yourself in the best position you can get.

Society is run by the sick and evil.

 

[Lullaby]

This sounds exactly like my relationship with my family

Also mine.

This reminds me of when I was a kid and I overheard my aunt telling my mother that she deserved better than having to deal with me…meanwhile I was the one regularly having meltdowns because I was being verbally/physically abused everyday by my mom.

When your own child or family member is struggling and you double down on it by bullying them, you're apart of the problem. Their opinions don't mean anything, OP. You don't deserve to be treated like that.

 

[actual_fox]

Telling me how embarrassing it is for her colleagues to look at a kid that looks so stressed for her age.

That is very cruel of her. It is sadistic I would even say.

 

[MindFrog]

Also mine.

This reminds me of when I was a kid and I overheard my aunt telling my mother that she deserved better than having to deal with me…meanwhile I was the one regularly having meltdowns because I was being verbally/physically abused everyday by my mom.

When your own child or family member is struggling and you double down on it by bullying them, you're apart of the problem. Their opinions don't mean anything, OP. You don't deserve to be treated like that.

That's really the hard part right? You know you don't deserve it but it's still happening nevertheless. And hearing people outside your home enabling the people who hurt you just... It's so unfair. Everything is so unfair.

I'm also sorry that you guys are going thru this case as well. For something that sounds like a sadly common occurence, it sure feels isolating.

That is very cruel of her. It is sadistic I would even say.

Yeah.. I was twelve.. Workmates were asking if everything was alright with me cos I looked older and miserable. So Mom told me to change my "ugly face" to something more presentable.

I remember her saying "They might think I'm beating you up at home. It's embarrassing."

 

[Pluto]

That's really the hard part right? You know you don't deserve it but it's still happening nevertheless.

The first thing to understand is that this is a 'thing' and it's nothing personal. I know, of course, it feels like the most personal thing ever. Start here:

8 Ways Narcissistic Mothers Emotionally Abuse Their Children

Empathic mothers are attuned to the emotional welfare of their children; narcissistic mothers represent a perversion of the maternal instinct. There are eight emotionally abusive behaviors narcissistic mothers engage in.

psychcentral.com

These people are inherently abusive because they objectify everyone around them and either bleed them dry or use them for 'narcissistic supply'. I can tell you right now that they will never change. Not even a bit. Not even in 40 years. Not even if you die, in which case they'll re-write the narrative to ensure they can feed on people's sympathies and make themselves the victim.

Sometimes they come up with new strategies to disguise the abuse, distract your attention or pretend to care, but even these can be seen through with a basic understanding of the psychology of a dark triad individual.

Their predictability is their weakness. It is obvious that if you are to live, you have to get out of that environment completely. You have to find solace in communities of fellow sufferers of narcissistic abuse, and you have to start learning basic concepts like appropriate boundaries, taking care of yourself and developing your own sense of identity.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

This is so sad. There is nothing normal about this situation. I am so grateful I had a wonderful mother. I feel so bad for the OP. You need to get out of that household.

 

[lonelygirl111]

your mom is sick. suicide isn't a funny thing and when it involves your kid it should be even less funny. my mom has never done this to me but siblings often have, so i have some understanding of how terrible it feels to be laughed at like your a joke. i think it's just a lack of understanding on their part and has nothing to do with us because if they understood or had any emotional skills they would never say such belittling things about someone who is talking about killing themselves. on top of that love especially from a parent should never be earned. she should love you unconditionally :( i'm so sorry your mom treats you badly like this i can't imagine how alone and painful it feels.

 

[woknows]

You should listen to Pluto and educate yourself about narcissistic parents. I am pretty sure that you are going to identify other ways she has been manipulating you. As stated before, the only way to have a chance at saving yourself is to move away ASAP.

 

[MindFrog]

These people are inherently abusive because they objectify everyone around them and either bleed them dry or use them for 'narcissistic supply'. I can tell you right now that they will never change. Not even a bit. Not even in 40 years. Not even if you die, in which case they'll re-write the narrative to ensure they can feed on people's sympathies and make themselves the victim.

Thank you for the link. I do suspect that my mother may be a narcissist. In fact I think it runs in the family. I've been dealing with the same behavior with another family member. Living here makes me wanna claw my eyes off. I've only been aware of it for a short while but i know if I tell them to get help, it'll only fall on deaf ears.

I might even be one myself or just have FLEAS (emulating N behavior) bcos I'm aware of the hurt I can cause and try to control myself idk.

In the case of getting away, I feel like I've given it up along with my will to live. My self-confidence is long gone, I don't even know who I am as person. All I can tell is what my family's wants and needs. When I think of myself, it's just either blank or something shallow.

I guess it's disappointing to say but I know suicide is my only way out. I wouldn't be happy even if I go away. I already DID ran away but came back. There was peace for a short time until I realize how much broken pieces I had to fix. It's just not worth the effort anymore.

 

[Pluto]

I might even be one myself or just have FLEAS (emulating N behavior) bcos I'm aware of the hurt I can cause and try to control myself idk.

I understand how you feel. I have a similar family (Nfather and sister, plus a mother/sister who are enablers) and it took me many years to leave home because I was convinced by them that I was incapable of functioning like a proper human. Even when I did, basic tasks like connecting socially and sound decision-making were insanely difficult, and in more recent times I've had to face the distressing prospect of starting to age while having missed important milestones.

Regarding the above quote, keep in mind that you have been conditioned to take blame even when abused. While it's true that all people have some amount of narcissistic traits, and growing up in that environment conditions us to behave with a damaged sense of self, it is important to be clear that you have been drained by vampires and it is not your fault.

Having been unsuccessful at overcoming this myself, I could never judge you whatever choices you make. Sometimes I've wondered if really good advice would have helped. Either way, please feel free to reach out if I can help in any way.