Venting I feel like I'm adrift in an ocean of toxic waste.

[The Burning Fool]

Disclaimer: I'm not advocating my worldview or any of my beliefs. I'm merely writing down my thoughts to give an account of what depression feels like, to me personally. Knowing that others are listening to me can feel good sometimes. I have a pro-death philosophy that's absolutely void of faith and hope, which I will describe in this post, so if you're sensitive to that, don't read further. I'm new to this site, so please tell me if I'm causing any inconvenience.

I've felt like I'm adrift in an ocean of toxic waste for the last 15 years or so. I've witnessed too much suffering and recognized how asymmetrical its amount and quality is to all the pleasures one can attain. The uncaringly cruel nature of the universe, the insane stupidity, selfishness and entitlement of humans, and the imminent societal collapse caused by ecological overshoot is too much for me to turn a blind eye to. Even though it's likely that my life will be ended by my own hands, they are being pushed against me by luck and fate in a bully's game of "stop hitting yourself".

I'm convinced that my pessimistic outlook and lifestyle is a reasonable reaction to the world I inhabit. I don't see these as symptoms of a mental illness at all, but even if I did, I wouldn't care, because having a mental illness doesn't add or subtract from the soundness or validity of one's claims and arguments. All that's preventing me from killing myself is a set of inherited behavioral patterns: caring about the well-being of family, survival instinct, fear of pain and so on. But I've established an entire philosophy around my suicidal ideation, and apparently no one can talk me out of it. I'm bound to reach a tipping point where my rationality will supersede my instincts and unconscious motivations. Then the end goal of my actions will change from surviving as long as I can while preventing and alleviating the largest amount of suffering I'm able to, to dying as soon as I can while experiencing the least amount of suffering possible.

I've lost all hope of healing, because I've witnessed how sick everyone is. I have no faith in humanity's ability to make this world significantly better, and I don't believe the world in its current state is worth living in. I sincerely believe that I've contemplated existence enough to discover the dark, comforting, freeing and protecting truth that not being alive is the ultimate answer to all questions, the perfect, final solution to all problems.

I believe that I'm too smart to be alive, although I do realize that I am as asinine and pathetic a beast as all humans are. I believe that if any all-knowing, all-powerful, all-beneficent gods existed, they would prevent consciousness from emerging, because the qualia of the self is fundamentally a delusion, and conscious awareness is an inherently harmful feature of neural function. I believe that my delusion of being a self is a freak accident, a mistake that must be corrected.

These are my thoughts for now, although I'm quite sure I've written some things I shouldn't have, and that I forgot to mention some important things, and also that I've made no meaningful contribution to the forum, so sorry about that. Please correct my grammar wherever I made any mistakes, because English is not my first language.

Best wishes to everyone!

 

[conarc]

You are so right. Existence and humans are simply terrible. May I ask from which country you are from?

 

[The Burning Fool]

You are so right. Existence and humans are simply terrible. May I ask from which country you are from?

Thanks for understanding. I'm from Hungary, so that doesn't help my mental state either.

 

[conarc]

The so called depression is in my opinion just the realization that life is almost meaningless after some point in time. Its not a sickness but rather a discovery of the truth.

 

[FuneralCry]

I also see it as always being preferable to not exist, only death can bring relief from all suffering and harm in an existence that was completely unnecessary in the first place. Existence was just a horrible, tragic and undesirable mistake, there's no benefit to such a thing, existence itself is the true problem. But anyway best wishes to you as well.

 

[The Burning Fool]

I also see it as always being preferable to not exist, only death can bring relief from all suffering and harm in an existence that was completely unnecessary in the first place. Existence was just a horrible, tragic and undesirable mistake, there's no benefit to such a thing, existence itself is the true problem. But anyway best wishes to you as well.

Thanks for the reply. I'd say consciousness is the fundamental problem, because I believe existence must exist, therefore it's doing what it's supposed to. But consciousness is a fundamental delusion, because it creates the illusion that some things have meaning, purpose and moral value.

According to my view, truth has intrinsic moral value, and while existence existing is truthful and ethically nonproblematic, the qualia of being one self is delusional, therefore its existence is unethical and problematic.

That's a philosophical school of thought I'm working on establishing, and I'm thinking of naming it Monoaletheism. The name indicates that one universal truth exists, to which no contradictory statements can be true, and that it has intrinsic value. I'm trying to make it coherent and digestible, so please give any feedback or insight that you have on how to do so.

Conscious awareness could be exposed as a software serving a senseless purpose. One could point out the fallacies in our conviction that "the self, I, am an entity separate from the environment". This is an unsubstantiated claim that has failed to stand the test of rigorous skepticism, and consciousness would be presumed innocent of existing in any reasonable court of law. This aspect of the self is identical to that of gods and the supernatural altogether.

I'm aware that these thoughts are extremely unintuitive. It might be impossible to make sense of the world with the tools we have, but that would be evidence for my claim that conscious awareness deludes one from knowing the one universal truth.