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shinitai_sh0jo
Is it so selfish to want to feel a little better?
- Dec 30, 2023
- 103
Recently I've felt as if I wanted to commit ctb not just to end my suffering, but to bring suffering to the people around me. It's weird, because I know that this is something I've written about being very afraid of. But it's as if I could only make people understand my suffering if I can split my head in two, if I wash my bedroom floor with blood. Like I have the need to make them suffer
Maybe I'm slowly getting tired of putting the blame on me all the time? I'm tired of never getting rest by sleeping, I'm tired of having to care about them when I feel everyone is lying to me when they say they care about me-when I feel like they'd push me away in the sight of the first problem they see.
I still can't discern if these feelings are fake, if I'm making things up to myself... but I can't find a good reason for me to even do that kind of thing either! :D
I don't want to have to deal with these feelings forever. Neither want to wait till I "grow up more" to just find out I've waited for nothing. I didn't got better since 2019, why would I get better if I was 25? even 30?
I'd better kill myself before I bring up hopes I'd ever have a better social life or get healed... because I doubt it would ever happen.
I just have to decide: to buy a knife or I jump out a high spot?
Maybe I'm slowly getting tired of putting the blame on me all the time? I'm tired of never getting rest by sleeping, I'm tired of having to care about them when I feel everyone is lying to me when they say they care about me-when I feel like they'd push me away in the sight of the first problem they see.
I still can't discern if these feelings are fake, if I'm making things up to myself... but I can't find a good reason for me to even do that kind of thing either! :D
I don't want to have to deal with these feelings forever. Neither want to wait till I "grow up more" to just find out I've waited for nothing. I didn't got better since 2019, why would I get better if I was 25? even 30?
I'd better kill myself before I bring up hopes I'd ever have a better social life or get healed... because I doubt it would ever happen.
I just have to decide: to buy a knife or I jump out a high spot?