Venting I feel like I should be more grateful

[ThatStateOfMind]

I feel like I should be more grateful for things that I do have, but sometimes I'm not. So many people have worse lives than me but I still hate my life. I feel so alone all the time.

I don't appreciate enough honestly, I don't appreciate what I have until it's gone in most cases, it's a vicious cycle that I haven't been able to break yet. I'm not super depressed today but not as happy as I could or should be.

 

[SilentSadness]

In truth, there is very little to be grateful for. This world is torture, there is almost nothing good about it other than the illusion of happiness. People regularly abuse others and it's unfair to yourself to suggest you are ungrateful. Personally, I think I am owed a lot more than I am given but I am content with getting no such vengeance. I hope you find peace.

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

In truth, there is very little to be grateful for. This world is torture, there is almost nothing good about it other than the illusion of happiness. People regularly abuse others and it's unfair to yourself to suggest you are ungrateful. Personally, I think I am owed a lot more than I am given but I am content with getting no such vengeance. I hope you find peace.

Thanks for your consolation, in truth, I can't get my ex out of my head, which exacerbates my whole situation and my overall sadness. I feel a great deal of sadness currently. It's not the only bad thing right now but it's up there.

And I agree. I recently read a story about how, in Tennessee, a pastor raped his daughter for 4 years, and he started when she was like 10 IIRC, and the prosecution was seeking 72 years in prison. The judge gave him 12 years, because he felt he was a "good Christian man"

 

[FuneralCry]

I don't see anything to be grateful for as after all, the burden that is existence was so unfairly forced onto us, one shouldn't have to feel grateful as it isn't as though any of us chose to be here. Just because somebody else will inevitably be tortured by life even more doesn't take away any of our suffering, it's a perfectly valid way to feel hating life and all of the problems that come with it. Existing certainly can be so painful and there could never be anything fair about existing in a world where people suffer all through no fault of their own.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I do understand where you're coming from. In certain ways, I've also had an easier life than some. I also think that the 'happiest' people I know truly ARE grateful... Still- I don't think it's something you can necessarily force. Plus- I get really irritated when people use it as a guilt trip- 'Think of how much you have- compared to other people' type of thing.

What I want to know is- who should I be grateful to? I was born because of my parents and chance- or- God- if you happen to believe in one. Ultimately though- I wish I hadn't been born. I just can't bring myself to be TRULY grateful for the good bits in my life because it feels like the bad outweighs the good- and I would have been far better off not experiencing any of it. All I can realistically be grateful for is IF things don't go badly- but they likely will now and again. That's not a great state- just being grateful that the potentially awful things haven't happened... yet...

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

I do understand where you're coming from. In certain ways, I've also had an easier life than some. I also think that the 'happiest' people I know truly ARE grateful... Still- I don't think it's something you can necessarily force. Plus- I get really irritated when people use it as a guilt trip- 'Think of how much you have- compared to other people' type of thing.

What I want to know is- who should I be grateful to? I was born because of my parents and chance- or- God- if you happen to believe in one. Ultimately though- I wish I hadn't been born. I just can't bring myself to be TRULY grateful for the good bits in my life because it feels like the bad outweighs the good- and I would have been far better off not experiencing any of it. All I can realistically be grateful for is IF things don't go badly- but they likely will now and again. That's not a great state- just being grateful that the potentially awful things haven't happened... yet...

Yeah I've gotten that guilt trip from my family before, not my mom but my aunt and stuff. And yeah, sometimes in my life, I truly felt hope and the good was outweighing the bad but now it just sucks altogether.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Gratitude is important but it's not magic. It won't fill the holes in your life any better than eating plastic food will satisfy your hunger.

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

Gratitude is important but it's not magic. It won't fill the holes in your life any better than eating plastic food will satisfy your hunger.

Yeah, but I suppose I could appreciate the holes aren't any bigger or as big than they could be

 

[rue]

I think of myself as a stupid, spoiled brat. Often. Then I want to die.. Later I'll narcissistically think that the world is much too bad to deserve my presence. And I'm way too good to deserve this world. And then I'll want to die. Again. Really all my thought patterns lead to suicide/death. So I'm not even entertaining them anymore. I know the answer. Don't torture yourself. Whatever you decide.

And I think.. simply feeling grateful and appreciative of the things you have doesn't necessarily lead to loving life or happiness. I'm appreciative. I'm grateful. And still… I'm on this forum, so. Maybe I'm doing something wrong. About your feeling of should/could be happier today.

Well.. I'm afraid happiness cannot be commanded or bossed around. That bitch is totally random and unpredictable. You simply can't force it. As I said. Don't beat yourself up. You HAVE to feel shitty over YOUR problems, who else will? If you can't then, who else will/can? Who will consider them? Someone nice, like you, who thinks about others misfortunes? Yeah, maybe. But to what extent? It'll only be brief and unhelpful.. So I see it as a kind of responsibility we have. Something we owe to ourselves. Of course you'll put yourself first, consider your problems first. It's yet another survival bs programmed into our brains. You are very much normal. And I wish you well although, I don't know you.. but it sucks to hear ppl put themselves done like this.

This is a harsh world we live in, so why is it so wrong to not be delusional about this fact. Just think about it. One of our sources of happiness is.. feeling thankful that this world chose someone else to torture over us. To look forward to in life we have.. ? a feeling of hope that we will never be the next person in line to be tortured. How fucked up is that?

Whenever I think about it. That feeling of gratefulness starts to feel disgusting to me. I can't explain. Either way this life is hard for everyone, even if you feel like your problems/feelings are small. Again. How fucked up it is that you are supposed to be jumping up and down with glee because what? Rejoice, at least, you are NOT being skinned alive? Cmon, that's just taking the piss. That's the bare fucking minimum life should've had for all of us that unfortunately find ourselves alive.

Life, in this instance, is like a parent that emotionally abuses their child then says you should be happy you have a roof over your head and that I feed you and don't give you any harsh beatings. Parents not beating their kids is the bare minimum, isn't it? Hope you get what I'm saying. I'll stop myself cus I'm going off the rails like I always do.

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

I think of myself as a stupid, spoiled brat. Often. Then I want to die.. Later I'll narcissistically think that the world is much too bad to deserve my presence. And I'm way too good to deserve this world. And then I'll want to die. Again. Really all my thought patterns lead to suicide/death. So I'm not even entertaining them anymore. I know the answer. Don't torture yourself. Whatever you decide.

And I think.. simply feeling grateful and appreciative of the things you have doesn't necessarily lead to loving life or happiness. I'm appreciative. I'm grateful. And still… I'm on this forum, so. Maybe I'm doing something wrong. About your feeling of should/could be happier today.

Well.. I'm afraid happiness cannot be commanded or bossed around. That bitch is totally random and unpredictable. You simply can't force it. As I said. Don't beat yourself up. You HAVE to feel shitty over YOUR problems, who else will? If you can't then, who else will/can? Who will consider them? Someone nice, like you, who thinks about others misfortunes? Yeah, maybe. But to what extent? It'll only be brief and unhelpful.. So I see it as a kind of responsibility we have. Something we owe to ourselves. Of course you'll put yourself first, consider your problems first. It's yet another survival bs programmed into our brains. You are very much normal. And I wish you well although, I don't know you.. but it sucks to hear ppl put themselves done like this.

This is a harsh world we live in, so why is it so wrong to not be delusional about this fact. Just think about it. One of our sources of happiness is.. feeling thankful that this world chose someone else to torture over us. To look forward to in life we have.. ? a feeling of hope that we will never be the next person in line to be tortured. How fucked up is that?

Whenever I think about it. That feeling of gratefulness starts to feel disgusting to me. I can't explain. Either way this life is hard for everyone, even if you feel like your problems/feelings are small. Again. How fucked up it is that you are supposed to be jumping up and down with glee because what? Rejoice, at least, you are NOT being skinned alive? Cmon, that's just taking the piss. That's the bare fucking minimum life should've had for all of us that unfortunately find ourselves alive.

Life, in this instance, is like a parent that emotionally abuses their child then says you should be happy you have a roof over your head and that I feed you and don't give you any harsh beatings. Parents not beating their kids is the bare minimum, isn't it? Hope you get what I'm saying. I'll stop myself cus I'm going off the rails like I always do.

Yeah, I'm holding out hope for better currently. That is also true, about gratefulness not being a path to happiness but maybe it would change something, I think sometimes. I sometimes think about leaving this forum but honestly, I get a lot of support here when I post generally (aside from a few times).

I don't feel the need to keep a filter on here, as I do with people I know in real life. And I know happiness cannot be commanded, but I wish it could. I'm sure a lot of people here wish it could. We wouldn't be here if it could. I joined here mainly to post and vent and have like-minded people to communicate with, but I know there are people who joined with one sole purpose; suicide.

I've seen some negative stuff which might be fueling this thought process, hell I saw a video of a man beaten into critical condition with a bat, and stabbed 5 times over a parking spot, that's it. He's stable now, but in critical condition still.

I do think I understand your thoughts. I feel like if I communicated better with my ex, I might not even be on this site right now. She cheated (kind of? I still consider what she did cheating, she messaged a dude flirting before we were broken up) but I can't make myself angry with her, nor can I simply not love her. Feelings as a whole cannot be commanded, and it's annoying at times.

 

[rue]

Yeah, I'm holding out hope for better currently. That is also true, about gratefulness not being a path to happiness but maybe it would change something, I think sometimes. I sometimes think about leaving this forum but honestly, I get a lot of support here when I post generally (aside from a few times).

I don't feel the need to keep a filter on here, as I do with people I know in real life. And I know happiness cannot be commanded, but I wish it could. I'm sure a lot of people here wish it could. We wouldn't be here if it could. I joined here mainly to post and vent and have like-minded people to communicate with, but I know there are people who joined with one sole purpose; suicide.

I've seen some negative stuff which might be fueling this thought process, hell I saw a video of a man beaten into critical condition with a bat, and stabbed 5 times over a parking spot, that's it. He's stable now, but in critical condition still.

I do think I understand your thoughts. I feel like if I communicated better with my ex, I might not even be on this site right now. She cheated (kind of? I still consider what she did cheating, she messaged a dude flirting before we were broken up) but I can't make myself angry with her, nor can I simply not love her. Feelings as a whole cannot be commanded, and it's annoying at times.

Stuff like that send me into negative spirals also. Makes me want to die more than anything. The type of horrible shit that regularly and casually.. just.. happens. I get you.

And it sure is. Feelings are fucking annoying. All your life you are learning to grasp them and at least redirect them, while they full on control you and puppeteer you however they want. Seems a losing game.

I get abt your gf., maybe only slightly and to the left, but still. I won't get into it. But maybe there isn't anything to do if you still love her? Just let yourself love her. And let yourself be. I'm in conflicting feelings to this day about someone and I just let it all be as it is.. I both loved and hated someone for a long time. Years passed.. I seem to be ok now. I don't even think about it anymore, majority of the time. Time heals..? Idk

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Yeah, but I suppose I could appreciate the holes aren't any bigger or as big than they could be

Yeah, but you seem to blame yourself for being unhappy there are any holes at all. That's not fair to yourself.

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

Stuff like that send me into negative spirals also. Makes me want to die more than anything. The type of horrible shit that regularly and casually.. just.. happens. I get you.

And it sure is. Feelings are fucking annoying. All your life you are learning to grasp them and at least redirect them, while they full on control you and puppeteer you however they want. Seems a losing game.

I get abt your gf., maybe only slightly and to the left, but still. I won't get into it. But maybe there isn't anything to do if you still love her? Just let yourself love her. And let yourself be. I'm in conflicting feelings to this day about someone and I just let it all be as it is.. I both loved and hated someone for a long time. Years passed.. I seem to be ok now. I don't even think about it anymore, majority of the time. Time heals..? Idk

Yeah, I hate feeling. Your whole life revolves around feeling something, and sometimes I just wish I was numb, emotionally.

And yeah this situation with my ex fucking sucks. And yeah maybe, I'm trying to get over her but I'm unable to in the slightest. I'm sure time will heal it, but I do fear, what if it doesn't? Feeling this conflicting emotions is horrible. I already had an account here but barely visited when I was with her. The breakup sent me into this awful spiral that I haven't been able to crawl out of.

Sometimes it takes everything in me not to ctb, but sometimes I can shake it by thinking "Maybe things will get better". Deep down, I don't know if I believe it though. Can't even talk to my ex about this, because she's very busy today. Her boyfriend is going to be on her phone helping her with college stuff, and she's also going to a concert. She told me not to message her.

I'm gonna try to keep my mind occupied, it's the only way I won't constantly be thinking about CTB.

Yeah, but you seem to blame yourself for being unhappy there are any holes at all. That's not fair to yourself.

Yeah probably not. Life is pretty uncontrollable/unpredictable, so I guess you're right. I just wish I could handle stuff like this better.



Edit: Honestly, all things considered, I might make a separate venting post, I don't do it much though because my posts are mostly the same, not much changes, especially with this situation regarding my ex. I'm gonna respect her wishes and not message though, I always try to respect her wishes.