Venting I feel like a fraud

[nattys5thtoenail]

Almost none of my friends are neurodivergent, the entire reason why we even get along, the personality they see, isn't real. I can't talk to them about anything and they know nothing about me. I've never felt so alone in my life, this site is truly all I have.

Whenever they compliment me, the years of social trauma just prevent me from truly accepting it. All I can say in my head is "do they know how disgusting I truly am? That my personality is entirely fake?"

I feel like an imposter, as if I've manipulated them into liking me. And that the real me is going to come out at any random moment and destroy everything.

I truly am alone.
also I probably am going to make a general thread where I just vent, so I don't clog this up.

 

[CTB Dream]

V sry, this know neuro dvrg slf diff no show, this life all prblm no wry no blm slf this no manip,
no wry can post many any want nmbr tpc thrd no wry

 

[derpyderpins]

I don't think you're clogging things up. Things have been a little slow anyway.

I'm coming to terms a little later in life (30s) with how being neurodivergent has made my life different. All the "masking," which I guess is what you're feeling when you say you feel like an imposter. (I also tend to have a bit of imposter syndrome, but that's a littled different than the social context.)

I don't think it's something you should feel bad about in terms of guilt or "manipulation." Everyone behaves at least somewhat based on how others will react. You may see it in a more calculated way rather than based off of feelings but that isn't necessarily bad. You're aware of how you think and don't want to be manipulative, so I think you're probably fine.

In terms of not being understood . . . that's very tough. It's why even now I hang out in online spaces where I can be a little more "me" that's deep down. I'm glad this place is helping.

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

I don't think you should feel bad either, everyone has a side of themselves they want to show others and a side they keep to themselves, to some extent. Everyone needs to wear a mask in certain situations, depending on who we're interacting with. To find someone one can be completely authentic with is a rare thing, especially for us in the autistic population.

It doesn't make you disgusting or a bad person at all, rather, it shows that you are worried or concerned in some way about your friends, whether or not they will accept you or feel burdened by things. Actual manipulators don't usually worry about how their actions effect people, from my experience.

I know it can be really difficult when you can't open up to your friends on a deeper level, sometimes it helps to gauge the topic in a third person way, like mentioning disabilities or health conditions from a general pov and seeing what their views are about people with such conditions. This helped me gauge whether or not I could confide in people about my health problems and autism in the past, once you learn if they are accepting towards these kinds of topics.