Venting I feel like a fraud

[toskita]

First things first, I'm new here soo hi! Got here by that goddam video made by tantracul and seeing the bright side, at least it helped me to find the forum. I'm not a native English speaker, nor had education on the language, I literally went fake it till you make it for the time being, so I'm sorry if my wording feels off or if it's simply a war crime.

I've been dealing with so much stuff on this years, I have a "supporting family" I'm not alone, but I'm unable to speak about me with them, due to multiple problems I broke bonds with both my sister and dad, plus I don't love my grandma anymore, the only support I have left is my mother but I don't want her to worry about me so I resort in lies and abolition of truth, what made me anxious is that lately she's getting aware of that, of the fact that she doesn't know me at all, neither does the rest of the family and people in general. I can't picture anyone that knows who I am. They've all got a different version of me, conveniently shaped into someone more likeable, that spreads positiveness and always helps out whoever is struggling as if I was at ease in the first place. It's common knowledge that I self harm, but since I'm not cutting myself no one cares that much about it, I've done it since I was about 6-7, and not until a year after I was SA'd my mom decided to take me to a phycologist (I approximate at the age of 9). I recall permanently having bloody hands and getting yelled at for self harming in class, everybody turning back to watch what I was doing, because my mom thought the best she could do to stop me was telling the teacher to stop me whenever she saw me doing it. I'm aware she wasn't intending to hurt me, but I can't forget all the threats she used to give me, saying that she would make me juice lemons until I swore to never do it again (I rip off the skin of my fingers, have expanded the sections where I do it exponentially, reaching my palms), or one time when he told me to peel a garlic because I was an expert on it. She had a radical change of that attitude, but I can't stop thinking that maybe I wouldn't be typing this if she hadn't been like that on my childhood, plus for that kind of things is that I'm unable to open up now, for the idea of getting yelled at, ridiculed and threatened. I've been to 4 different therapist and none of them helped me, now I resort on lying to the new one, avoiding completely the things that I should be talking about, and making my situation seem way less serious than it is so she never even guesses that I want to ctb and even less that I've already tried once (failed because I'm stupid and didn't even research anything, just let the world decide), thing is that the pandemic left me broken, I don't have any energy to keep up anymore, I used all my last resources already, the anxiety is killing me and for the second time, I feel depressed.

Sorry that I ended up almost telling my whole life story- I didn't really have a plan here, so just rambled on whatever I felt like. It doesn't matter though since probably no one will read the whole thing
Anyways, byebyeee

 

[Pomegranate]

You're dealing with a lot. In a world lacking in care and understanding, you've had to resort to lying, be it to your family members or your therapist, so things don't turn worse than what they are. But while others may feel better, you still feel so depressed and sad.

You're right: everyone views us differently. My mom probably thinks that I'm a person who once gave her lots of hugs and caresses and helped her out wherever she went, but now I've turned into an uncaring individual whom she has to walk on eggshells. My dad probably sees someone who's tried hard throughout the years to feel better but who could do more and maybe they're not feeling that bad.

I'm sorry you had to go through these awful experiences as a child at school. Your mom and teacher should've known better than to threaten you like this. People who do self-harm need kindness and affection, not threats. And as you said, maybe had they not made those threats, you may have felt better.

We keep hiding our pain and just how bad our existence is to others. Maybe it is so the therapist doesn't ask for us to be hospitalized. Maybe it's because we don't want to dump trauma on loved ones. But our needs remain unaddressed, and we keep feeling hopeless about things ever getting better.

 

[darkenmydoorstep]

First things first, I'm new here soo hi! Got here by that goddam video made by tantracul and seeing the bright side, at least it helped me to find the forum. I'm not a native English speaker, nor had education on the language, I literally went fake it till you make it for the time being, so I'm sorry if my wording feels off or if it's simply a war crime.

I've been dealing with so much stuff on this years, I have a "supporting family" I'm not alone, but I'm unable to speak about me with them, due to multiple problems I broke bonds with both my sister and dad, plus I don't love my grandma anymore, the only support I have left is my mother but I don't want her to worry about me so I resort in lies and abolition of truth, what made me anxious is that lately she's getting aware of that, of the fact that she doesn't know me at all, neither does the rest of the family and people in general. I can't picture anyone that knows who I am. They've all got a different version of me, conveniently shaped into someone more likeable, that spreads positiveness and always helps out whoever is struggling as if I was at ease in the first place. It's common knowledge that I self harm, but since I'm not cutting myself no one cares that much about it, I've done it since I was about 6-7, and not until a year after I was SA'd my mom decided to take me to a phycologist (I approximate at the age of 9). I recall permanently having bloody hands and getting yelled at for self harming in class, everybody turning back to watch what I was doing, because my mom thought the best she could do to stop me was telling the teacher to stop me whenever she saw me doing it. I'm aware she wasn't intending to hurt me, but I can't forget all the threats she used to give me, saying that she would make me juice lemons until I swore to never do it again (I rip off the skin of my fingers, have expanded the sections where I do it exponentially, reaching my palms), or one time when he told me to peel a garlic because I was an expert on it. She had a radical change of that attitude, but I can't stop thinking that maybe I wouldn't be typing this if she hadn't been like that on my childhood, plus for that kind of things is that I'm unable to open up now, for the idea of getting yelled at, ridiculed and threatened. I've been to 4 different therapist and none of them helped me, now I resort on lying to the new one, avoiding completely the things that I should be talking about, and making my situation seem way less serious than it is so she never even guesses that I want to ctb and even less that I've already tried once (failed because I'm stupid and didn't even research anything, just let the world decide), thing is that the pandemic left me broken, I don't have any energy to keep up anymore, I used all my last resources already, the anxiety is killing me and for the second time, I feel depressed.

Sorry that I ended up almost telling my whole life story- I didn't really have a plan here, so just rambled on whatever I felt like. It doesn't matter though since probably no one will read the whole thing
Anyways, byebyeee

People on here will read the whole thing (not all of them but some) because we ourselves are also on here writing long ramblings that we feel sound dull/attention seeking to others because we feel irrelevant or like we're boring someone.
.
it must be hard when you have a supportive family in some ways because it makes you feel like you don't have a 'reason' to 'justify' your feelings.
.
I think most of us have different versions of ourself we decant for the benefit of other people.
.
Oh and the lemon juice thing sounds horrendous. How awful. I bite the skin around my nails and nail beds on my fingers. My mum used to make me wear that nail biting stuff on my nails that tastes really bitter to try and stop me.

Just be yourself here, warts n all. We don't care if you're a 'nice person' or not. In fact we know you probably aren't one, not entirely anyway. None of us are. We're just humans xx

 

[toskita]

People on here will read the whole thing (not all of them but some) because we ourselves are also on here writing long ramblings that we feel sound dull/attention seeking to others because we feel irrelevant or like we're boring someone.
.
it must be hard when you have a supportive family in some ways because it makes you feel like you don't have a 'reason' to 'justify' your feelings.
.
I think most of us have different versions of ourself we decant for the benefit of other people.
.
Oh and the lemon juice thing sounds horrendous. How awful. I bite the skin around my nails and nail beds on my fingers. My mum used to make me wear that nail biting stuff on my nails that tastes really bitter to try and stop me.

Just be yourself here, warts n all. We don't care if you're a 'nice person' or not. In fact we know you probably aren't one, not entirely anyway. None of us are. We're just humans xx

It's not that I have a supportive family, but from the outside it looks like it is, they all say they can see I have a bright future and that kind of shit, saying they are proud of me when they don't know anything about me, or that I maintain contact for the money because I already lost any love for my family aside my mom, and I've lied to her a lot too. Even when I do open up, I carefully censor and avoid details, and maintain the exact same story if someone asks.

Ohh the lemon juice thing only remained as a threat tho, but a threat that made me constantly anxious, aggravating the problem since me ripping my skin was a clear sign of anxiety, that said by every therapist I've been with. Still, I wasn't free of lemon juice until 2021(when I guess she finally realized I maybe shouldn't be exposed to lemons with multiple injuries), I don't know if it was just a coincidence or sum, but everytime she asked me to help with lunch, she made me juice lemons, so I ended up developing a resistance to that kind of pain, plus ability to act as if nothing was happening.

That last quote got me, I chuckled a bit because it's true, external people always tend to think they should feel sorry about people like us and shit, but we're humans, we know our sins