Venting I feel like a failure when socializing

[alienghost]

I feel like I'm a failure of a human being. I (19F) don't know how I should behave myself in front of others. I'm not sure if I'm slightly autistic or severely anxious.
I don't know how to condition my voice or how to make it sound natural and pleasant like other women do it. I don't know where to place my body. I lose all my spatial awareness because I can't do multiple things when I'm interacting. It's just too much. There's nothing worse than group activities. I'd rather die.
Whenever people are in the room I have to keep track of their expressions and tone of voice. I have to force my body movements to look natural only to fail miserably at it.
Forcing myself to say things that sound "normal" and appropriate drains me so much that I NEED to remove myself from the situation otherwise I'll start saying a lot of weird and nonsensical shit because I no longer have the energy to filter it out.
Recently, I've been trying to join videogame voice chats to get out of my comfort zone (I have no friends) and I realized how much I struggle with even the simplest social interactions. I absolutely hate the sound of my own voice.
I just feel like crying at this point.

Sometimes I just wish I could stop being a human and turn into a rock or something. My biggest dream consists of me turning into literally anything other than a human. I'd love to be a jellyfish even if that meant getting eaten by bigger fish.
I have no meaning in my life and I'd do anything to escape this hell. I'll be here for at least a few years because I really love my cat and I would hate to leave her alone.
Sorry for the rant, I already feel better after having written this post :-)

 

[Geodude77]

I can kinda relate. For a large portion of my life I've been the quiet kid that everybody thought was either a potential school shooter or a good kid that could do no wrong (and never anything between). The only time this wasn't the case was during the second half of highschool and early into college. Thats kind of where I gained this edgy kid persona, which as cringe as it was, I was able to find a friend group that matched it and it made me feel like I could say anything because it felt like the weight of my words didn't matter as much. After the COVID pandemic hit, I started to isolate myself more. I've ghosted a lot of friends and I've realized that some friends started to dissociate with me now. Now I'm back to square one and honestly I've gotten used to being alone. I don't have to worry about if I'm hurting anyone's feelings or if they have a negative view about me if I isolate myself

 

[Linda]

Sounds as though you might be a bit autistic. A good way to check that out is to do the AQ (Autism Spectrum Quotient) test. You can do it online. It doesn't take long. It's not as reliable as a professional diagnosis, but it does give you some indication. Most autistic people score 32 or more (out of a possible 50). If you score a lot less than 32, you are definitely not autistic.
The only way to improve your ability to handle social situations is to keep putting yourself into social situations and getting some practice. Do it gradually. Don't try to attempt too much each time. You will find that you do improve, even if the improvement is slow.
I was never much good in social situations when I was young, unless I was with people I already knew well and felt comfortable with. But I have improved over the years. Now I can handle any social situation easily - which does not mean I like those kinds of situations. I don't. I still much prefer to be alone, or with just my husband, or with a very small group of people who I know well.
Good luck.