(First post on here ! Sorry if I made any mistakes)
Often I feel like I'm cursed, I don't really believe in anything otherworldly so I'm not saying it's some kind of metaphysical thing. It's more like, when I look at the person that I am it just seems every little things adds up and makes it impossible for me to be normal, to seem normal, to feel normal.
However an ever stronger feeling I have is that I myself am a curse, that at some point I started ruining everyone's life. When I first realized this I thought it was weird I hadn't been told all that much of much of a bother I am in a serious manner, apart from my mom's typical and rather light (in the sense that they're not thought-out ) insults. I guess it's because I just have never been close enough with anyone to have any serious fights.
Well that's what I thought, but recently I had these memories come back to me (rather, I finally made the connection between the both of them and my situation) which I think just confirm this
I remember being around 7 years old and well, I can't remember how we got to that point but I just remember staring at my dad who was sort of pacing around and looking at himself in the mirror asking "what did they do to my daughter ?" repeatedly. I'm guessing he was trying to teach me something and I wasn't getting it, wouldn't listen and was being rude etc. I remember being obviously sad but also asking "who is "they" ?" and my dad couldn't find an answer either, I think I even asked him if he meant my mom's side of the family, but he said that wasn't it either. I don't think I'm conveying this well enough, I was sobbing and he was very angry aha.
Anyway now I know I was just a ticking time bomb, I was always a curse meant to ruin people's lives, I was just too small before and my dad hadn't noticed.
When I was 13 years old my dad found out I was self harming because he saw my arm with cuts all over it. He got angry and he went to disinfect my arm, we were in the bathroom and he looked in the mirror and asked himself "what did I do to god to deserve this ?" multiple times. He's not even that religious aha. But well, I guess we're on the same page that I'm sort kind of curse, some kind of divine punishment, again I'm not spiritual but it's the best way to describe it.
I feel bad because unlike other people my dad can't really leave me, he just has this deep rooted belief in family. He's hurt me too and I'm scared of him but I know he would be a good dad if I wasn't "me".
Worth mentioning he did not want to be a dad at all, but ended up taking responsibility when my mom refused to abort (traumatized from another abortion the year prior)
I respect his decision, I feel bad I'm a curse
I don't do it on purpose, but I also have to take responsibility for the fact that I'm a walking flaw. My personality is terrible and I'm an eyesore.
Well anyway, this is also why I don't really think about the "consequences" of my death much, I think maybe my parents would be shocked and might think they feel sad but they'll quickly realize how much better life is without me. But they might go straight to being happy, it might feel embarrassing but I truly hope they don't lie to themselves.
Anyway yeah, this is also why for a while I thought I might just run away and live hidden for the rest of my life, since the point is I just cannot interact with people.
But I just have to take more responsibility than that, I feel it's my duty to die and I just can't take it anymore. I'm tired. It's not like I don't feel the repercussions of being a curse. I do.
If you've read any Greek tragedies you know about the "pharmakon" character, it means both poison and remedy, they're the one who causes problems (the poison) and must die (most often by suicide) in order to become the remedy. I feel that this is my situation. I should have gone away sooner but it's time to do what's right.
(Sorry if I made any mistakes I'm tired after a long week of exams aha, also I'm just stupid)
Often I feel like I'm cursed, I don't really believe in anything otherworldly so I'm not saying it's some kind of metaphysical thing. It's more like, when I look at the person that I am it just seems every little things adds up and makes it impossible for me to be normal, to seem normal, to feel normal.
However an ever stronger feeling I have is that I myself am a curse, that at some point I started ruining everyone's life. When I first realized this I thought it was weird I hadn't been told all that much of much of a bother I am in a serious manner, apart from my mom's typical and rather light (in the sense that they're not thought-out ) insults. I guess it's because I just have never been close enough with anyone to have any serious fights.
Well that's what I thought, but recently I had these memories come back to me (rather, I finally made the connection between the both of them and my situation) which I think just confirm this
I remember being around 7 years old and well, I can't remember how we got to that point but I just remember staring at my dad who was sort of pacing around and looking at himself in the mirror asking "what did they do to my daughter ?" repeatedly. I'm guessing he was trying to teach me something and I wasn't getting it, wouldn't listen and was being rude etc. I remember being obviously sad but also asking "who is "they" ?" and my dad couldn't find an answer either, I think I even asked him if he meant my mom's side of the family, but he said that wasn't it either. I don't think I'm conveying this well enough, I was sobbing and he was very angry aha.
Anyway now I know I was just a ticking time bomb, I was always a curse meant to ruin people's lives, I was just too small before and my dad hadn't noticed.
When I was 13 years old my dad found out I was self harming because he saw my arm with cuts all over it. He got angry and he went to disinfect my arm, we were in the bathroom and he looked in the mirror and asked himself "what did I do to god to deserve this ?" multiple times. He's not even that religious aha. But well, I guess we're on the same page that I'm sort kind of curse, some kind of divine punishment, again I'm not spiritual but it's the best way to describe it.
I feel bad because unlike other people my dad can't really leave me, he just has this deep rooted belief in family. He's hurt me too and I'm scared of him but I know he would be a good dad if I wasn't "me".
Worth mentioning he did not want to be a dad at all, but ended up taking responsibility when my mom refused to abort (traumatized from another abortion the year prior)
I respect his decision, I feel bad I'm a curse
I don't do it on purpose, but I also have to take responsibility for the fact that I'm a walking flaw. My personality is terrible and I'm an eyesore.
Well anyway, this is also why I don't really think about the "consequences" of my death much, I think maybe my parents would be shocked and might think they feel sad but they'll quickly realize how much better life is without me. But they might go straight to being happy, it might feel embarrassing but I truly hope they don't lie to themselves.
Anyway yeah, this is also why for a while I thought I might just run away and live hidden for the rest of my life, since the point is I just cannot interact with people.
But I just have to take more responsibility than that, I feel it's my duty to die and I just can't take it anymore. I'm tired. It's not like I don't feel the repercussions of being a curse. I do.
If you've read any Greek tragedies you know about the "pharmakon" character, it means both poison and remedy, they're the one who causes problems (the poison) and must die (most often by suicide) in order to become the remedy. I feel that this is my situation. I should have gone away sooner but it's time to do what's right.
(Sorry if I made any mistakes I'm tired after a long week of exams aha, also I'm just stupid)
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