Venting I feel like a coward

[PoisonedJuliet]

I've told a couple people about being suicidal and some have found out by being nosy but I feel like a coward. I feel like this because I don't think I'm going to actually ctb just now but now that they know I'm suicidal I feel like a coward not going through with it. I feel like I HAVE to do it now. Can anyone else relate? I want things to stop but I don't want to go through with ctb just yet.

 

[Dead beat dad]

I've told a couple people about being suicidal and some have found out by being nosy but I feel like a coward. I feel like this because I don't think I'm going to actually ctb just now but now that they know I'm suicidal I feel like a coward not going through with it. I feel like I HAVE to do it now. Can anyone else relate? I want things to stop but I don't want to go through with ctb just yet.

You are not a coward brother.
You have the right to feel good and like shit the same as anyone else, and you absolutely have no duty to Ctb just because you said you would.
You've been to a dark place and if you've come back that that is fucking rad! And if I knew you in real life I would be so stoked for and happy to be there for you because this shit is hard.
If you're feeling recovery brother then no one has the right to make you feel like it's not worth it.
So many do not speak out, so many to try recovery. Doesn't make them cowards either, but if you are winning your private battle against your demons (or not actually) I and in your corner 100% and I hope you can knock it out of the park brother
DBD

 

[Jean4]

I am suicidal. Had attempts. Got caught by someone I work with. Some people know that Stan CTB.

Today, I am not going to CTB. Nobody knows what the future will bring. Heck. Trump can blow up the world tomorrow. Today I am not going to CTB. I only answer to myself (and the people on this forum who own me and will never permit me to leave. )

It's your life. Inconsequential what anybody else thinks.

 

[one4all]

Ohhhhhhhh i can definitely relate to that. Always reminds of a Clash song

 

[Suicide_vampire]

Just because you feel suicidal doesn't mean you will do the act. I'm 47 had a few attempts in the past, feel suicidal everyday but I'm still here, you are not a coward and never think that of yourself.

 

[PoisonedJuliet]

I'm just too scared to actually ctb. I can get close to it but I can't take that final step. It's tough not being able to end things but thank you guys for your support
I beat myself up because I tell myself I'm gonna do it but I never do

 

[justfloating]

I've told a couple people about being suicidal and some have found out by being nosy but I feel like a coward. I feel like this because I don't think I'm going to actually ctb just now but now that they know I'm suicidal I feel like a coward not going through with it. I feel like I HAVE to do it now. Can anyone else relate? I want things to stop but I don't want to go through with ctb just yet.

definitely don't do it because you feel you have to. people need to understand that not all suicidal people will CTB. I definitely understand though, I feel like people are bored of me only being suicidal and not acting on it, so they treat me like shit thinking ill be fine

 

[Jean4]

Just because you feel suicidal doesn't mean you will do the act. I'm 47 had a few attempts in the past, feel suicidal everyday but I'm still here, you are not a coward and never think that of yourself.

Wait. How can you be suicidal? You are already dead!

 

[Suicide_vampire]

I'm just too scared to actually ctb. I can get close to it but I can't take that final step. It's tough not being able to end things but thank you guys for your support

Not being able to take that final step just means it's not your time. If anyone calls you a coward just ignore it

 

[PoisonedJuliet]

I feel like people are bored of me only being suicidal and not acting on it, so they treat me like shit thinking ill be fine

These words are so true! My friends are bored of me being sad and a party pooper.

 

[Suicide_vampire]

Wait. How can you be suicidal? You are already dead!

No I'm undead I can't die and can't bring myself to just stake myself, the agrophobia stops me going out in the sun and I'm not a fan of garlic, sucks to be me

 

[one4all]

@PoisonedJuliet

If i may ask. What method are you thinking of?

 

[BPD Barbie]

You don't owe it to anyone to ctb and you certainly don't need to justify it to anyone. You're your own person, do things when you want to, don't do them at all. It's up to you. Choosing not to ctb doesn't make you a coward, I chose not to, I'm not a coward, I think I'm just as brave as anyone else

 

[PoisonedJuliet]

If anyone calls you a coward just ignore it

the only one saying out loud that I'm a coward is me

 

[Suicide_vampire]

the only one saying out loud that I'm a coward is me

Stop saying it then... You're not a coward.

 

[PoisonedJuliet]

@PoisonedJuliet

If i may ask. What method are you thinking of?

I have almost no resources. The only method I could really pull off that could be successful is hanging
I could also slit my wrists or throat and stab myself but even if I do come to ctb I'm not sure I could get over my SI with these methods

 

[MoreThanAFeeling]

You should feel proud of yourself :D You talked with others about your troubled inner world. Respect. You are seeking help in a way. Also, lets not forget, being suicidal does not necessarily mean someone will actually commit suicide.

 

[one4all]

I have almost no resources. The only method I could really pull off that could be successful is hanging
I could also slit my wrists or throat and stab myself but even if I do come to ctb I'm not sure I could get over my SI with these methods

Your Si is definitely something to consider. Have you researched anything about your method(s).

 

[PoisonedJuliet]

This might seem weird but it's like 73% of my brain thinks about ctb constantly, 22% wants to go through with it, but 5% is keeping me alive and here. The five percent won't give up and I can't get over it. Big things come in small packages... or percentages

 

[Suicide_vampire]

Well we are all thankful for that 5% that keeps you around

 

[PoisonedJuliet]

Your Si is definitely something to consider. Have you researched anything about your method(s).

Kind of? I haven't gone into a lot of detail but I have looked at the mega thread. I don't have a place to do full but I do have a place to do partial. I'm also kind of worried that it will fail and then I'll be put into a psych ward or hospital

 

[Jean4]

No I'm undead I can't die and can't bring myself to just stake myself, the agrophobia stops me going out in the sun and I'm not a fan of garlic, sucks to be me

Steak? Make mine rare!!!!! Mashed potatoes and Cesar Salad. You will learn. Everything goes back to good! Oh. Prime rib off course. That's a given.

 

[Suicide_vampire]

I prefer my steak blue, basically just walk the cow through the kitchen and let it see the frying pan. Nice and bloody

 

[PoisonedJuliet]

Well we are all thankful for that 5% that keeps you around

Man you guys really do smother on the love and support I'm overwhelmed with how much you guys care about strangers on the internet. I'm very thankful I have such a big community to share with

 

[one4all]

Kind of? I haven't gone into a lot of detail but I have looked at the mega thread. I don't have a place to do full but I do have a place to do partial. I'm also kind of worried that it will fail and then I'll be put into a psych ward or hospital

To be honest. That is my concern for you also. Not to mention any physical effects it will have on you, if it goes wrong.
I'm not endorsing or condoning anything. Just expressing some concerns.

 

[Jean4]

I prefer my steak blue, basically just walk the cow through the kitchen and let it see the frying pan. Nice and bloody

Still mooing!

 

[Suicide_vampire]

Still mooing!

Just after it's last moo, preferably
I do love the dark humour we can all share

 

[CuddleHug]

If you feel like only 5% of you still wants to live on, you are actually very brave for not CTB yet. Keep fighting, don't give in to those dark thoughts telling you you need to prove yourself somehow.

Hugs~ <3