i feel like a coward for not wanting to hang myself

[monetpompo]

But I'm not even try
No I'm not even trying
Oh no, I'm not even trying
No I'm not even trying​

i've been really self conscious of myself and it's been hard for me to not see myself as a burden to others because i do almost nothing all day. my planned date is at the end of this month, and i'll probably hate myself more if i don't stick to it and just take it back because i want to watch fucking smiling friends season 3 or play shin megami tensei on my DS. i already know that i don't want to be alive. i just feel so dumb and useless while everyone's moving on without me, and it makes me feel like even more of a kid than i already am. earlier today i was researching cyanide from apricot seeds since i'd seen another mention of it on the site, but it didn't really go anywhere. it just feels like another dead end. i used to have a ctb partner, but she left early. i don't blame her for, things are hard. i still have rope in my backpack and my stool, it's not like hanging just goes away as a method because i don't want to do it. i just get so anxious standing up on the stool. i don't have anything to lower SI since i'm 20 still, but i know most suicides are done sober anyways.

the lack of company i've had these days and how anxious i get around big groups of people isn't helping my case. i visited my community college yesterday and it was club day. that's when a bunch of people are in the halls and you have to slink in between them. it pretty much affirmed my believe that the only way i want to go back to college is by doing online classes. there's really big crowds in the morning, and i hate it, since i just want to disappear instead of be surrounded by so many people that'll pay attention to me if i look weird.

my thoughts are so self loathing and stupid. i wish that i wasn't myself. i hate crying in my room over literally nothing. i know no one i know is ever going to want to listen to me talk about suicide. i know that if i post too much on here it'll get annoying, too. i have nowhere to go and the most offensive way to exist is to make no noise and maladaptive daydream in my room about being 17. if i ever try to talk about my problems, people just feel bad for me and expect my problems to go away once i'm done talking about them, since "venting makes people feel better". mild nsfw: one night, i cried looking at porn because i wondered if the girl deserved love more than me. i feel like guys wouldn't even like me if i offered to have sex with them. i'm worried that there's a better "me" in every facet of life. it makes me so sad that i might not be needed anywhere. there are a lot of small stories like that where i can't tell anyone them because they would just make me sound sad and self pitying. every night, i wonder if i'm the kind of person that's expected to kill myself, but no one wants to think about how that's the natural conclusion to being such a loser all my life. everyone just talks about believing in yourself or persevering. persevering for what? what is there for me to do? i'm an embarrassment to everyone around me and an embarrassment to myself. i just wish there was an easier way, but there isn't. i wish that i could just glug a bottle of drain cleaner or a bottle of tylenol like i'm in a teen movie, but it doesn't work. the only way for me to stop existing if i have no other options is hanging. in some ways, the lack of choice should bring a person ease, but knowing that there are other methods out of my reach is just annoying to me.

not a single person around me is capable of understanding of how i feel, even that's some stupid cliche generalizing thing to say for a depressed person. my parents, my siblings, my friends, they would be like-- "why would you ever want to kill yourself??" i just don't want to keep going. i already know that my family and the people in my life are tired of me depressing them. no one is going to take away my choice to kill myself unless i go to a psych ward, which is too expensive for me to do again. my parents will hold my hospital bills over my head until i die. they're the only ones that can pay for them. i'm not proud of the person i am. i'm not happy that i'm still alive, and i'm not going to thank my parents for keeping me alive. texas is just the worst person for someone like me to live. i don't know what i'm expected to do here if i don't seem to fit into any niche, but i don't have enough money to realistically move out.

 

[Wolf Girl]

If you woke up tomorrow and you didn't want to ctb anymore, what would be different?

Idk, I'm pro-choice, but I really don't want to see you go. You're very young and haven't even had the opportunity to try living a life free of abuse.

 

[EmptyBottle]

it's been hard for me to not see myself as a burden to others because i do almost nothing all day.

While that might feel burdening, me, and likely some others, like seeing your posts.

In the year or so I had guinea pigs, I was happy petting them and relaxing with them... and I've been missing them for some time after they were gone (1 probably died of friight, and the other was sold so it could have company)

there's really big crowds in the morning, and i hate it.

I'm not a fan of big crowds either.

i know that if i post too much on here it'll get annoying, too.

Tbh, it likely won't be annoying. Users can read the interesting parts and skip the other text.... and even with the thousands and thousands of @FuneralCry's venting posts (in their own section), people seem to be supportive, some users giving hug reactions, and some users (like me) skimming the titles to try and see the bigger picture.

conclusion to being a depressed failure all of my life.

I feared in year 12 (years ago) that life will only get worse... with some help solving the issue of reduced focus... persistence, and more, that fear hasn't come true.

 

[monetpompo]

If you woke up tomorrow and you didn't want to ctb anymore, what would be different?

being at home is one of my biggest barriers and one of the things that's keeping me depressed. the idea of loans and taking up student loans in order to go to university when there's a possibility that i could fail and have to go back home is similarly terrifying to me, because i know that people end up having nowhere to go or having to go back home, since all they had was school. i feel like i just can't function properly in society if i don't have the money to keep going, the motivation to work, or the social aptitude to mask my emotions in front of people. i would enjoy being in a "normal" headspace, but i still wouldn't do with myself because i've felt very lost about my future this year and the year before. i only decided that this year would be "the year i do it" because every month i seem to get more and more sad and worried that i'm in a hole i can't dig myself out of. digging myself out of the hole would take years, because i need to leave home to even start to improve mentally.

You're very young and haven't even had the opportunity to try living a life free of abuse.

i often have daydreams about running away, just to feel a sense of freedom, but i have no friends or relatives that would be able to help me financially or give me a place to stay. i would be more on my own and i would have nothing. i just don't seem to have a way to escape things, since it feels like living is just dragging things out if i see no improvement for myself the older i get. my sister knows about my suicidal tendencies, but she still doesn't understand me. she just expects me to want to keep going and start looking for jobs. i honestly have no energy to do anything these days, and i get anxious really easily if i'm in a situation where i'm expected to please others or someone else will take my place. not looking to get a job just makes me think that i must want to be in the place i am, since i'm not trying to improve or try to make things better at all. that's how my sister sees it, anyway. i just don't expect myself to bounce back from a year long depression where i just see myself as a failure by my parents. my mom's told me she regrets having me. it doesn't make me want to stay, even i know i'm not supposed to care about what she thinks of me. if she wants me to be miserable and lie in bed, then it's working, because i want to do nothing with my life.

 

[AlistairSky]

I'm sorry. Whether you decide to do it or not, try to be gentle with yourself. Fear isn't somehow less valid or more deserving of scorn than any other emotion.

Instead of holding the bills over you, I wish your parents were grateful to have more time with you.

 

[GroundControl]

Fellow Texan, here. I relate to so many aspects of your post. You're not alone, OP, even though it feels like nobody understands or is willing to. I get everything you're saying. I wish it was all different, for everyone. I wish things could change. I hope you find your peace someday, in whatever way you choose. Hope your night is okay.

 

[monetpompo]

Fellow Texan, here.

texas!!!!!!!!



living here sucks. the cities are way too big so i can't see my friends that often. most people talk about the republican population but i mostly hate the way the entire state revolves around owning a car and how you're incapable of doing anything without one. i've been complaining about it since i moved here since you're expected to stay at home or get run over for wanted to go somewhere as a pedestrian. being a young person living here makes me feel like i need to age myself 40 years in order to actually enjoy living in the suburbs. my parents are overly neurotic about me wanting to leave home to do stuff, even if it's just to go on a nature trail in a different neighborhood.

thanks for telling me that you can relate. i feel really alone most nights. some days it's hard for feel like a person instead of a machine that eats and sleeps. i'm going to try to do something that makes me happy tonight. i slept almost all day today because i felt really sad and tired.

 

[EmptyBottle]

my mom's told me she regrets having me

yikes, no parent should say that to their child

 

[GroundControl]

texas!!!!!!!!

View attachment 178082

living here sucks. the cities are way too big so i can't see my friends that often. most people talk about the republican population but i mostly hate the way the entire state revolves around owning a car and how you're incapable of doing anything without one. i've been complaining about it since i moved here since you're expected to stay at home or get run over for wanted to go somewhere as a pedestrian. being a young person living here makes me feel like i need to age myself 40 years in order to actually enjoy living in the suburbs. my parents are overly neurotic about me wanting to leave home to do stuff, even if it's just to go on a nature trail in a different neighborhood.

thanks for telling me that you can relate. i feel really alone most nights. some days it's hard for feel like a person instead of a machine that eats and sleeps. i'm going to try to do something that makes me happy tonight. i slept almost all day today because i felt really sad and tired.

Yee Haw!! Tips my non-existent cowboy hat.

Oh my god the car thing is so real. I genuinely hate the fact that most of our cities are unwalkable. I live in a town outside a smaller city and it's still garbage and unnavigable without a Ford F150 or whatever. The other day I saw a dude legit biking across six lanes and maybe that's just like. A "That Guy" thing but it definitely felt like the consequences of Texas infrastructure.

Cause first of all why is every square mile a highway? Texas city planners see a beautiful patch of land and go, "Man, wouldn't a four lane highway and three Walmart parking lots look great here?" This place is shit. Cars are EXPENSIVE, too. Which is terrible in a place built for traveling half an hour to get to your place of work. (Bus routes aside).

Texas is just. So weird. I have that "Texan pride" but it's absolutely surface level, lmao. Nothing to be proud of here other than. Idk Buccees.

But yeah, when you're neck-deep in your own pain, everything can feel so distant. It always feels like nobody understands. Especially when everyone irl really doesn't get it. But there will always be someone out there that can relate, however distant they may be. You're not alone.

I hope you have fun tonight, dude. Be safe <:)

 

[SissySteph]

EmptyBottle's comment is excellent. The thing is it's really hard to know or predict where you'll be in 5 or 10 years. Some surprising twists can happen that end up significantly improving one's life. Can go the otherway as well of course. For younger people it can be trickier to imagine things improving but improve they can. It does sound like a non Texas location (or at least a different town) could be something that improves things but I realise might take awhile to achieve that. But perhaps taking steps that go in that direction could generate a bit more hope for the future?