I feel inferior

[TVtrays]

I know this is probably trivial but it feels to important to me. Growing up, I was told I was really smart. Reading and doing simple math by age 2, only interested in acedemic things throughout my childhood. I did well in school until I was hit with severe depression when I was 9 years old. I started struggling in school, got better in 6th grade when I got straight As, got into honors classes and I started being medicated in 7th grade and I started failing my classes again. I still had a reputation with my family and people who knew me as the smart kid. It was the only thing I was ever complemented on. It was the only source of self esteem i had. I was never told I was a food person, or I was kind, not was any of that seemingly valued. My entire self worth was based on how much smarter I was than everyone else.

Well, I graduated high school with a 2.4 GPA, dropped out of community college because I couldn't handle the workload, never made it past the first couple semesters. I have no artistic skills, nothing. I feel like the only thing I had to feel worthy, to feel like I'm worth something was a lie. I know intelligence isn't an indicator of inherent worth, but for me, if I don't have that, that's it for me. I hate myself so much. I keep looking for validation. I keep trying to find out where exactly I lie when it comes to intelligence. I get angry at myself when I come across people with high academic achievement because I was supposed to be that. That was the identity my family drilled into my head. I feel like I'm failing. I've been feeling intensely suicidal about this. I keep thinking about how my mind works to the point where it's obsessive. "Do I make a lot of connections naturally or have I just memorized a bunch of facts for the sake of knowing them" or "do I have the capability to learn the things I'm passionate about, or is that inhibited?" And "do I want to learn new things because I enjoy it and truly want to understand them, or do I want to prove something to myself?" are all things I ask myself constantly.

For a while, I dismissed IQ as a racist construct while deep down I knew there was scientific merit to it, despite how maliciously it's been used. I feel like a narcissist for obsessing over this but it's destroying me. I constantly feel stupid for failing to achieve what I should have. There's so much I don't understand and I don't have the capability to. One of my best friends is a really good mechanic and I can't grasp anything he does. Another friend of mine is interested in quantum physics and that stuff goes right over my head and I can't grasp it, even when it's been explained to me three times. I feel so ashamed and I feel hopeless.

 

[ohhgeeitsme]

Unfortunately, I have no advice to offer but I do know what it's like to feel inferior and it is an awful feeling. I'm sorry you're going through this. I really hope it works out for you.

 

[jesse]

My childhood was similar. I was always the smart kid, until I super wasn't. I dropped out of high school and college. Traits like these so obviously shouldn't matter, but it's difficult to see past them when you view yourself as inferior. The validation makes me feel like it's okay to exist. It elevates me from total garbage to a human being with value. It obviously shouldn't be like that. Our baseline should be a valid human being... That's how I see you (as a worthy human), but it's probably not how you see yourself. Not how I see myself either. I always feel like I have no right to even have thoughts or opinions. I have to break through a wall just to post on a forum. No advice, but I can relate to feeling inferior.

 

[watchingthewheels]

I get it. IQ tested at 140 as a child, was scouted by Johns Hopkins (my mom said "no" to it), but to look at me now, people would think I'm a failure because I've forgone the trappings of "success" on society's terms.

Ever see the movie REAL GENIUS? It reminds me of that. Burnout is real. So is disillusionment. The smart people are the ones who are often cursed with seeing through the veil and the futility of it all. "Too smart for our own good", as it goes...

 

[TVtrays]

I get it. IQ tested at 140 as a child, was scouted by Johns Hopkins (my mom said "no" to it), but to look at me now, people would think I'm a failure because I've forgone the trappings of "success" on society's terms.

Ever see the movie REAL GENIUS? It reminds me of that. Burnout is real. So is disillusionment. The smart people are the ones who are often cursed with seeing through the veil and the futility of it all. "Too smart for our own good", as it goes...

I haven't seen it. Maybe I'm dealing with burnout? I was abused a lot as a kid so I'm sure that had an effect on things.

 

[watchingthewheels]

I haven't seen it. Maybe I'm dealing with burnout? I was abused a lot as a kid so I'm sure that had an effect on things.

It's mostly a comedy, but the theme of it is very real and applicable. I'd give it a go; at the very least, it might give you a laugh at the absurdity of it all. :) (And stands up better today than something like REVENGE OF THE NERDS.)

Real Genius (1985) ⭐ 6.9 | Comedy, Romance, Sci-Fi

1h 48m | PG

www.imdb.com

 

[everydayiloveyou]

The issue is that you're still trying to find validation in your intelligence even though you "don't have it" anymore. It's a classic, you're the fish getting judged on its ability to climb up a tree. You have your family doing it to you, and you're doing it to yourself too. Thats double the pain.

So being smart isn't your thing anymore. It sounds like you need to do some soul-searching and find out what qualities you have that are intrinsic to you and are things you can actually work at. Like being good at crafts or being a hard worker or something. Just because everyone else in your life reduced you to this one thing doesn't mean that you have to keep doing it to yourself. You can put your foot down and tell yourself, "hey, who cares if I'm smart or not? I'm me, thats all I have to be." Ofc its easier said than done but its an option you have!

Maybe take up a hobby that allows you to see real and observable progress. I know you said you aren't artistic, but the arts are something you can do for pure fun and you are guaranteed to get better at it over time with consistent practice. Trust me, there's no such thing as talent, just people who draw/knit/practice/rap/perform/sew/whatever more often than you do. Probably the only exception is singing and dancing. Still, you can get pretty good at both, usually its only at the tippy top levels where "talent" starts to matter.

It's not narcissism, you're someone who was pressured and not encouraged in the right ways. When you couldn't meet the unrealistic expectations everyone had on you, you became justifiably fixatated on that one failure. Because it's all people ever complimented you for, it feels like this is all you can do and be. And if you can't be smart then what are you? Trust me youre not alone in this, its not all on you. Its not right that people think its ok to speak to kids like that. You should have been encouraged and praised differently. But people dont know any better, its perfectly possible that everyone thought this was the best way to keep you up with your good habits, but it backfired, and you bore the brunt of it all. Chances are the smart people you know did not have to deal with any of this stuff. Its easy to study and invest yourself in academics when you have the resources to do so. And ofc studying is easy when youve got a clear head and dont deal with severe depression. Even intelligence is a matter of "can practice" and "cant practice"

Would you tell your quantum physicist friend that their only success in life is being smart? That if they weren't so smart, they'd be a failure who lacks purpose? Or that they are only into physics because they're trying to prove something? Your friends most likely don't think that way about you either. Ask them what your good traits are, what they think youre good at. See if theres anything that strikes you. Work on building your self-esteem on qualities that you choose for yourself, such as being considerate or a hard worker or whatever.

You sound like youre still very young, so the good thing is that if you truly love learning and feel that the pursuit of knowledge is your true calling, you've still got plenty of time to hit the books and get into all that again. But its not the be-all-end-all. Lots of dumb people do very well in life. However your life turns out, it will be independent of how smart or dumb you are. Its gonna be a long journey to start believing all this, but just know you arent alone and that more to life than what you were told.

 

[NeverGoodEnuff]

I want to respond to this in a ridiculously simple way with personal experiences...just food for thought.

I have a loud voice that carries well. In grade school, in the days when audio/visual equipment wasn't common, I was always the person who read the story of Christmas for the annual Christmas play because they could hear me in the back row. When they needed someone with that kind of voice, they were all "You Are Wonderful". Afterwards, I was told to shut up.

I have a brother who is "smart". He can spout mathematical theory all day long. But he can't add and subtract. He can write complicated programs every which way. But he can't figure out how to do a cut and paste or how to answer his smart phone.

My adult daughters hate me. They can tell you everything I ever did wrong (no, they were never abused), but when they need somebody to take care of their children so they can take a long vacation, who do you think they call?

I have always been a high energy person. My mother put me in private school kindergarten at age four because the public schools said I was too young and she couldn't deal with me any longer and couldn't wait to get me out of the house (she actually says this, to this day). When I am angry, I use physical activity to blow off steam. She still says, "If you want your kitchen to sparkle, make "NeverGoodEnuff" angry." So, even now, when she has something she wants done, she pokes and prods me until I get angry. Then, I am blamed for being angry and ugly. I was praised for having the energy to do lots of things yet readily chastised when we would visit my grandparents and I couldn't sit still.

See the pattern? People will tell you how wonderful you are (in whatever area they choose) to use you for their own selfish ends. It is very difficult to find the real you when you get these conflicting messages.

 

[Sherri]

Hope things work out for you, maybe not being so hard on yourself?