Fadinglife
Student
- Apr 16, 2019
- 109
Quite often i feel, i do not belong in this world, like i am not cut out for this. Existence is too painful, but i couldn't stay numb forever and be an observer of eternal hopelessness and despair as it's even more of a reminder of what i have lost and fear of things staying the same way is even strong. Life which hasn't even started. With time i courage to keep hope or fight for it is fading away. I can't go another year like this let alone a decade. I just want my pain to end even if it means ending with me. I feel so alone to share these thoughts to people who are close to me as most don't even get me and live in their bubble of everything going to be work out somehow and who does struggles a lot in life, he is dear to me, i don't wanna cause him more or hurt or depression which often makes me feel lonely in this state. I wish i could discuss it with him, in some ways i want reassurance that i not fucked up beyond repair. I sometimes feel everyone would be better off without me and if possible i would erase myself from everyone's memory forever and see them happy without me then vanish forever with some dignity and peace. Some things do not have a fix slowly i am drifting to a stage of not having any fix and this is painful to watch...to wither away bit by bit loosing myself. I don't even know what is better anymore. Suspended state of mind doesn't last and rest of environment is depressing and extremely painful. By the time if things would change i am afraid i would be completely dead inside or beyond saving and there would be nothing left. I don't wanna be alive in that state. Ironicaly i can't stand the thought of losing loved ones. I have lost so many people that i don't have the strength to deal with it anymore, i have exceeded by tolerance limit and even thought of it keeps me up all night, it's source of fear and extreme anxiety, mental torture. It would swap place with my loved ones if i could in that circumstance in a heartbeat. Better me than them. I mostly fear it for my fiance, he is my treasure, i am not useful to the world but he is brilliant, his thoughts and ideas needs to exist and being spread. My sweet emerald, i wish i could take his pain away and give him all the happiness he deserves.
