Venting i feel i am too young to CTB but the suffering will only get worse

[illvoid]

I am 21 years old struggling with a myriad of physical and mental health issues. Most were caused by my mother's substance abuse during her pregnancy, and some are genetic. Either way, almost everything I've been diagnosed with will only get worse with age. My schizophrenia is already severely impacting my life. My endometriosis has progressed to stage 2 much earlier than it should've. My depression keeps me from leaving the house to the point where I haven't seen most of my friends in about a year. I don't see it getting any better, but I still feel like I haven't lived enough of my life to decide that. I don't know what else to say, just really unsure of what to do from here.

 

[AnonymousTomato]

Hey, I noticed no one else here had said anything, and I just wanted to chime in and say I read your post. And I feel for you. And I really hope you're able to find a solution you feel comfortable with, whatever it may be.

Fwiw, I have a number of friends and relatives who live flourishing lives with both mental and physical disabilities. It sure as hell doesn't make life easy, but it is possible. Something that I see in your post which I don't see others in similar positions saying is that you think you're too young to make the call on whether ending it is right for you. So many people think they've seen it all at 21 - no dates, no relationships, it's over. That's absolutely not true, and the age for having good relationships gets higher with every passing year. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders and to be assessing the right things for quality of life.

What I mean to say is: you're looking at the right stuff, you may be right, your feelings are valid, and you will figure out what's best for you. I truly believe that.

 

[MercenariesofMidgar]

Similar age here and, yeah, I can relate too. A part of me feels like I haven't experienced enough life to say I should end it. But I feel like nothing will change, that it'll only get worse... but if you're having second thoughts, you should look at other paths before you try to ctb.

 

[illvoid]

Hey, I noticed no one else here had said anything, and I just wanted to chime in and say I read your post. And I feel for you. And I really hope you're able to find a solution you feel comfortable with, whatever it may be.

Fwiw, I have a number of friends and relatives who live flourishing lives with both mental and physical disabilities. It sure as hell doesn't make life easy, but it is possible. Something that I see in your post which I don't see others in similar positions saying is that you think you're too young to make the call on whether ending it is right for you. So many people think they've seen it all at 21 - no dates, no relationships, it's over. That's absolutely not true, and the age for having good relationships gets higher with every passing year. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders and to be assessing the right things for quality of life.

What I mean to say is: you're looking at the right stuff, you may be right, your feelings are valid, and you will figure out what's best for you. I truly believe that.

Thank you for taking the time to reply, it truly means a lot.
While I know that I can live a fulfilling life with the right treatment, I just don't know that I've found that treatment yet and pharmaceutical roulette takes a toll on the mind & body. It's not like my meds don't help at all; I was able to log in tonight while thinking somewhat rationally and type this out thanks to Olanzapine, which is definitely part of the reason I'm feeling conflicted about this. All I know is that I would do pretty much anything to put my physical and emotional pain to an end, whether it's CTB, 4 pills a day and therapy every 2 weeks for the rest of my life, or something else entirely.
That being said, your perspective helped me realize that I have more options than I thought. I don't necessarily want to die at this point, I'm just very unhappy dedicating so much of my life to treatment. Maybe that means there are things I could be doing differently to improve my situation, and that gives me hope for my future & the futures of other people who are in similar situations.