Littlewittlelight
Specialist
- Sep 3, 2022
- 347
Sorry I am rambling and I barely use punctuations that's why I think my dreams and thoughts were unrealistic.
I tried some things I know for an average human it wouldn't be a big deal to make that much efforts but I am not healthy in any way. I got attached and I had some dreams if not dreams I fantasized about doing art or writing something. I just completed formalities for my college again so I have excuses to lay around more that's what will happen the whole life if I continue. Even when I tried hard I remember I felt happy but I couldn't reap what I sow or it just didn't pay off. My dopamine doesn't work anymore even I can't even feel pleasure and I feel guilty even after trying to consume something but I keep doing it and keep repeating the cycle. I thought maybe this time I have found something I did try but my body and my mental health won't even let me reap what I sow. I feel guilty and like should I just stop trying and forget the things I someday thought about because it's painful and it's not going to work either way. I have my SN. I don't know how to get benzos and prop as they need prescription which I can't get without my mother's involvement and don't even know if they let me get it. I am not so great if a believer I haven't even prayed ever seriously only did ocassionally as an obligation and I feel if I end this I wouldn't even be there to regret it. No more feeling anything, no more regrets just silence but I feel if stayed and forced myself how long before I get kicked out or picked out. I am good for nothing I know but I sometimes had that motivation of being able to do some things but I can't see it happening. I am just tired of everything if I die here then there would be so much drama. If I die in a forest they wouldn't be able to know I died. I can't even die and I am not really so attached to my mother but I was like a tic and never left her. She is so attached to me however I am and I can't see a way out it really won't get better it never did. I don't know how to get over these. I haven't experienced so many things which I don't really want to because I don't even know if I would get to even if I stayed here but again something is holding me back maybe it's benzos. Actually I did feel grateful for having my mother she is wonderful and I respect that but I even forgot about her when I got SN and now I don't want to think about anything but soon I will have to get benzos and just do it. I hope my sibling could give them what they deserve because I have been good for nothing except for using everything they have to offer I am such a big mistake.
If you read till the end thank you. I hope you get what you want. I feel like I have drunk something although I am not drunk. I feel like a slug and my brain is getting slower. I also feel like a bitch sometimes for being this way and not being able to man up and just give up even before seeing the bigger picture. At times I was said to have female traits and a bitch and good for nothing. my mother never did that but I feel my relatives were just unhappy because I was just using everything they have. What a shame I am a bitch and I really feel that way but I can't change it.
I tried some things I know for an average human it wouldn't be a big deal to make that much efforts but I am not healthy in any way. I got attached and I had some dreams if not dreams I fantasized about doing art or writing something. I just completed formalities for my college again so I have excuses to lay around more that's what will happen the whole life if I continue. Even when I tried hard I remember I felt happy but I couldn't reap what I sow or it just didn't pay off. My dopamine doesn't work anymore even I can't even feel pleasure and I feel guilty even after trying to consume something but I keep doing it and keep repeating the cycle. I thought maybe this time I have found something I did try but my body and my mental health won't even let me reap what I sow. I feel guilty and like should I just stop trying and forget the things I someday thought about because it's painful and it's not going to work either way. I have my SN. I don't know how to get benzos and prop as they need prescription which I can't get without my mother's involvement and don't even know if they let me get it. I am not so great if a believer I haven't even prayed ever seriously only did ocassionally as an obligation and I feel if I end this I wouldn't even be there to regret it. No more feeling anything, no more regrets just silence but I feel if stayed and forced myself how long before I get kicked out or picked out. I am good for nothing I know but I sometimes had that motivation of being able to do some things but I can't see it happening. I am just tired of everything if I die here then there would be so much drama. If I die in a forest they wouldn't be able to know I died. I can't even die and I am not really so attached to my mother but I was like a tic and never left her. She is so attached to me however I am and I can't see a way out it really won't get better it never did. I don't know how to get over these. I haven't experienced so many things which I don't really want to because I don't even know if I would get to even if I stayed here but again something is holding me back maybe it's benzos. Actually I did feel grateful for having my mother she is wonderful and I respect that but I even forgot about her when I got SN and now I don't want to think about anything but soon I will have to get benzos and just do it. I hope my sibling could give them what they deserve because I have been good for nothing except for using everything they have to offer I am such a big mistake.
If you read till the end thank you. I hope you get what you want. I feel like I have drunk something although I am not drunk. I feel like a slug and my brain is getting slower. I also feel like a bitch sometimes for being this way and not being able to man up and just give up even before seeing the bigger picture. At times I was said to have female traits and a bitch and good for nothing. my mother never did that but I feel my relatives were just unhappy because I was just using everything they have. What a shame I am a bitch and I really feel that way but I can't change it.
