Story I feel glad & guilty my friend stayed

[I Me & Myself]

I've been browsing this site without an account for a bit and read some stories about struggling with keeping friends through crisis. And it just reminded me that my friends stayed and that gives me hope to get out of this hole. With them. I hope this isn't insensitive to all of you who have lost friends.

I impulsively wrote a friend shortly before attempting suicide. They knew I was suicidal and it felt unfair to just disappear on them, so I did text them. They responded to me a bit later and talked talked to me, keeping me awake, asking me if I wanted to call an ambulance for myself. I did. I'm not exactly sure how I feel about that, but it shows I was not 100% certain of my actions. Without them, I would have probably just passed out and never called an ambulance (though in hindsight, it's debatable if I would have passed away. At that point I naively truly believed I would.)

This felt normal to me. I didn't question it even once.

Until a doctor asked me if that friend was mad at me for telling them I attempted. During it.
I was confused at first, and then I started reading stories on here and it makes sense. What I did was selfish, dragging my friend into this and pushing the responsibility of my actions onto them. Yet they were not mad, they stayed and they are still a good friend of mine. They allow me to joke about it, they are supportive (at least from my perspective).

They aren't in a mentally well off place either, but we kind of just stick together. I feel like an immense burden, but I don't want to tell them that because that would be affirmation seeking. I know they don't see me that way, or at least would never tell me that. So for now I am just going to be grateful that they stayed, even after going through this with me and for me.

I don't know what I did to deserve a friend like them. I know they did not deserve a friend like me, but in the opposite way. I won't text my friend again should such a situation ever occur again. Not because I believe they would react negatively, but because I feel guilty.

My desire to die is still with me, but I've kind of numbed it down to background noise. I know some people genuinely enjoy living and I desire to be like them, and I will attempt to be. I don't know if I'm just gaslighting myself. I hope I'm not.

 

[Leonszabs]

Hi, I am glad that you and your friend have each other; I think it is wonderful that you guys have a strong relationship. Regarding you not wanting to text your friend when you're in a similar situation again, I don't want to tell you what to do, but at the same time I think you should know that your friend cares about you and they want you in their life. I think they would want you to talk about it with them, but that is just my perspective. If you ever wanna talk, my inbox is open!

 

[kazatte]

i'm so glad that you have a friend like this :) i can tell they care very deeply for you and that you do the same. i'm sure they would want you to come to them if you need anything. you're definitely not a burden, especially to someone who wants you in their life

i totally understand it being hard to believe that this person truly cares about you and your struggles; believe me, i've been there. but people's worldviews are very much affected by their thoughts, so it's hard for them to see the reality of a situation, especially when they're struggling

 

[orpheus_]

You do deserve a friend like this. The world deserves humans like this, who just support each other if they're able to.

I've been on both sides myself, both being the person who was helped and the person who was helping. It's weird, seeing the other side, no matter which direction it goes. I helped my friends go through difficult times with their mental state, and others helped me. Uh. Situations like witnessing suicide attempts or serious self harm included.

I will not say that it did not affect me emotionally, helping a person in huge distress (especially since that person also happened to be abusive at times), but fuck, I don't regret a single thing and I would NOT want them to not tell me what was going on. I don't want my loved ones to suffer, even when I don't see it. That's what caring about others is about, I guess - you just want good for them. Even if it doesn't affect you. Personally... I have felt some sort of satisfaction when I helped my friends in tough times, yes, even when that was hard for me. I was not glad that they were struggling, of course, but I was glad I could be there for them. Life is not always about avoiding suffering. I think many other people can feel that way.

Also it is worth noting, that your friend is also responsible for their decisions and if they want to be there for you, just let them. It's not like you're keeping them by force, or something.

Though I get that you might feel guilty as like I said, I was on the "other" end too. But you're a human, not a burden, and it's your friend's choice to maintain contact with you - if they do so, that means they want it and they must have reasons to.