I feel dead inside (anhedonia, flat emotions, etc)

[NeuroDamaged3]

My original username is NeuroDamaged2 and it has my backstory on it in posts. Alooooot of forced or pushed psychiatry and drugs I didn't need. Ended up ruining me.

My fault...should've said no to it all. Especially the last one, I'm on Clonazepam 3mg/day, have been for a year. It's nuked the last of me. I should've known better than to get on a benzo but I was desperate for relief. Now that relief has passed (benzo tolerance) and I'm all alone, no longer living with my mom and have no support at home. My life will be hell no matter what I do. Bedbound, barely able to feed myself and such. Place is a mess though I do take out the garbage, so it's just messy not dirty.

I don't know how many more months I've got to live like this. My days are numbered. And this Clonazepam has caused fear to stir in me whereas shortly before I started I attempted to CTB via OD in the winter -- felt peaceful in a way, totally failed as I was too used to benzos by then for even whole pill bottle full to make me pass out. Now I can't get myself in the same headspace to CTB, the worst outcome - I'm living a hell not worth living but I can't die.

Now I'm uncomfortable every day and will take cbd/thc to pass the time and make it bearable. NOTHING is enjoyable. NOTHING. This all occured in 1.5 months, I don't know what I did that was so bad to take me from mostly normal to benzo tolerance.

I wish my mom was here to help, I wish she still cared as much as she did when this first started, but she isn't.

There's no doctors that are sympathetic to benzo tapering even if you've proven not to have any issues. They haven't heard of the Ashton manual for tapering. My family doc of over a decade dropped me (I realize now how two faced doctors are) after I got issues from the meds she was prescribing me for years.

There's no hope for my future. I've got massive anhedonia (cant enjoy anything), some cognitive issues (especially in memory and creativity), etc. Can't hold a conversation. Not interested in others. Emotionally flat and empty. They gave me every treatment imaginable and I just got worse because it was iatrogenic damage not a "chemical imbalance" like they like to spout.

I know truly, truly know what it means by the saying "I'm a shell of my former self".

 

[WornOutLife]

I'm so sorry you're going through this.
I'm not sure of having had anhedonia but I really wasn't able to enjoy things for almost 3 years. I was just a NEET who cried and thought about suicide everyday.

Then, I dunno why but I spent LOTS OF HOURS looking for a new hobby and that's when I found out japanese! Learning that language motivated me so much that I felt like doing more stuff.

I hope you can find something, just one thing is more than enough.

Whatever happens, I wish you lots of love and peace.

Hugs,

Matt

 

[FuneralCry]

Life can be cruel to us and can be really hard to deal with. I can relate to the anhedonia, sometimes I feel like I've already died and I just feel numb to everything. Life often seems pointless. I hope you find relief from your situation.

 

[Beachedwhale]

I'm so sorry to hear this. I have damage from antidepressants but not anhedonia and I can't imagine what that is like. I just have severe fatigue that hasn't gone away in several months since I took an SSRI pill. The saddest thing is how we didn't even need this shit in the first place, but in fairness I was dumb enough to seek it out myself because I thought it would magically help me concentrate on self-studying something I have absolutely zero interest in.

I hope that with time it just goes away otherwise I'll probably ctb.

 

[fly away]

I hear you. I've been on Klonopin for over 10 yrs at 4 mg. Per day. Became tolerant about 3 yrs ago. As you mentioned no dr seems to have heard of the Ashton Method for tapering. So I listened to the "doctor" and went down to a mil. 2 days later, my muscles started to jerk uncontrollably…I was already massively out of it…..like seeing things, talking out loud to myself. Got in touch with the idiot and he put me back up to the full dose. I will never do that again. So, now I'm addicted to Benzos. And they do nothing. Unless you forget to take one.

 

[Makko]

Fellow anhedonic here. Didn't even need pills to make me this way. I'm more or less completely disassociated. Someone else is running around and going through the motions of life while I'm just following around and being bored.

 

[Hurt]

I feel same way. I have suicidal thoughts even when I'm watching a movie. I don't enjoy anything.

 

[Makko]

I feel same way. I have suicidal thoughts even when I'm watching a movie. I don't enjoy anything.

You still bother to watch movies? There must still be hope then.

 

[killedbypsychiatry]

Damn I'm so sorry you're in this situation, I understand how horrible it is. I'm also neuro damaged because of benzos and SSRIs. I understand everything you say, those drugs make you loose yourself, I'm no longer near 5% of who I used to be and it's very painful. I used to be a very passionate, happy, smart, and active person and now I'm literally bedridden with zero motivation, the cognitive abilities of a 5 year old, and lots of other health issues. The grief of loosing myself/health, and the strong anger/ trauma at what happened, coupled with living like a zombie is truly awful. I really hope there was a way to help iatrogenically damaged people heal.

It's is extremely horrible and ironic this "health professionals" are literally killing us, such a crime.