Venting I feel completely lost.

[ayanti]

Hi, first post here. I guess I don't really know where to start. I have been struggling with my mental health for years now. However, these past couple months have really solidified my decision to CTB. I'm currently a college student with a pretty decent job. Yet, I lack so much in terms of personal relationships. I have no friends and rarely interact with people outside of work. My family relationships are strained and forced at best.

Surprisingly, I had managed to keep a romantic relationship for a year. However, just last month I got dumped and within a week she had found a new person. When I confronted her about it, she came at me and blamed me for our breakup. She then said I made her uncomfortable and that she did not want anything to do with me. Even threatened to have her new relationship confront me. She claimed to have loved me so much yet has already moved on? This furthered my feelings of self isolation and made me feel even more hopeless. She knew what I was going through and still decided to do that. I risked so much for her. Maybe I just wasn't enough. She never understood me.

Since I don't really have much connections with people, I get attached to people I do interact with pretty easily. This is why I think this whole situation has made me react and feel the way it has.

I have been in therapy for about a year now, and despite my best wishes, it has not helped me at all. I feel as hopeless if not more than when I first started.

I feel completely and utterly lonely without anyone. Nobody reaches out. I'm not sure what purpose I have. Work until I'm old? Waste my youth by isolating myself?

I feel unlovable and deep down I know I am. I have opened up before about my feelings, but I'm tired of the pity words of "it gets better" etc. That's total fucking bullshit. It does not. I don't know what exactly is holding me back. Fear of also fucking up my own death or fear of disappointing people more than I already have. That's a whole other can of worms on its own.

I have zero fucking motivation anymore and the more days that pass the more hopeless and lonely I feel. It sucks seeing people being so happy. Why can't that be me? I think I might get just a bit better but then it all gets worse.

I know other people have way worse things going on but man I don't know how much longer I can take this feeling of loneliness.

I've considered a couple ways of CTB: full suspension, partial hanging, or drowning.(Open to other ideas you guys have.)

I just don't know what to do anymore. It's just getting worse.

 

[daley]

Sorry you have found the need to join this forum.
Your story is saddening, and I can identify with parts of it. I also have only had one relationship and
ever since it has been over I keep thinking about it.

You seem to be angry that she found another partner so quickly, but actually, I believe that moving on
to the next relationship is a healthy thing to do, for her, to gain more experiences with other people.
If you loved her, and you care about her well being, maybe you can find it in yourself, someday, to forgive
her for quickly moving on.

There are a lot of recovery resources in this site. Maybe you need a different form of therapy?
If a year has passed in therapy and nothing has changed, perhaps that's a sign.
What kind of therapy is it? Is it just talking? Is there "homework"?
Is the therapist following a specific method?

I don't know how many years, and how many therapists are enough to say that
you have given it a good try.
There are also CTB resources on this site. I Hope you find what you are looking for.

 

[Sat]

Thoughts of travelling or exploring? Distracts me from feeling shit almost all the time and makes me feel like a human living on this planet


Although breaking my left knee ligament on rugby really doesn't help and has prevented me from travelling for almost half a year now..