Venting I feel bad lying to my family

[ready.to.go]

I've been dealing with this debilitating physical illness for a couple years. I've been to dozens of doctors and no one has any answers. I'm currently temporarily living in another city to try to see if doctors have answers. If I get nothing, I'm going back home in January and plan to ctb in February. I'm bed ridden and in constant pain and my life is just not worth living. I'm very set and confident in my decision.

The problem is that I obviously can't tell my family. So I have to play along in making plans for the future. Getting an Airbnb for a wedding in June that I know I won't be going to. Making plans to visit in May when I know I won't be around anymore. Etc etc. Every time it happens I feel this horrible weight of lying to them and leading them on. It hurts so much and I feel so guilty.

Telling them isn't an option. They would 5150 me or do something to prevent it. I wish I could so they have time to prepare and that I didn't have to hide things from them.

 

[Itsbeenalongtime]

Think of it this way, if you die you dont have to deal with it and if you happen to get a solution and dont die then youre prepared and you never lied. Youre not even lying now because there is still a possibility you get a solution, however slim? I think its best to be ready for the option of living or dying bc if your attempt fails you dont want to end up in a worse place than you already were.
I know its hard not being able to tell your family what you go through, but people here can listen to you and understand. Just do your best to make the time you do have with your family the best it can be so that they know you loved them.

 

[sadnurse]

I've been dealing with this debilitating physical illness for a couple years. I've been to dozens of doctors and no one has any answers. I'm currently temporarily living in another city to try to see if doctors have answers. If I get nothing, I'm going back home in January and plan to ctb in February. I'm bed ridden and in constant pain and my life is just not worth living. I'm very set and confident in my decision.

The problem is that I obviously can't tell my family. So I have to play along in making plans for the future. Getting an Airbnb for a wedding in June that I know I won't be going to. Making plans to visit in May when I know I won't be around anymore. Etc etc. Every time it happens I feel this horrible weight of lying to them and leading them on. It hurts so much and I feel so guilty.

Telling them isn't an option. They would 5150 me or do something to prevent it. I wish I could so they have time to prepare and that I didn't have to hide things from them.

I could have written this post … I'm so sorry that you're in the same situation as me, it's so hard hiding this from my loved ones but I would be thrown into a facility as well as I already was 6 months ago… so I have to pretend everything is normal even though I'm suffering with health issues as well, big hugs to you

 

[FuneralCry]

This sounds like a difficult situation to be in. We should live in a world where we can tell others we plan to ctb and then we can die peacefully. After all it is our life, our decision and nobody else should have any say in it. Of course it is understandable wanting to exit when you are in so much pain, it can be awful being trapped in this human body as it can torture us. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.

 

[rationaltake]

Very difficult. Is there any possibility of saying you don't know if you'll be well enough to attend these events and would rather not make plans until nearer the time?

 

[ready.to.go]

Very difficult. Is there any possibility of saying you don't know if you'll be well enough to attend these events and would rather not make plans until nearer the time?

I've tried, but then my family and friends do everything to assure me that the events will be accessible and they'll help me in all the ways to get me there.

 

[BigGimpin]

I've been dealing with this debilitating physical illness for a couple years. I've been to dozens of doctors and no one has any answers. I'm currently temporarily living in another city to try to see if doctors have answers. If I get nothing, I'm going back home in January and plan to ctb in February. I'm bed ridden and in constant pain and my life is just not worth living. I'm very set and confident in my decision.

The problem is that I obviously can't tell my family. So I have to play along in making plans for the future. Getting an Airbnb for a wedding in June that I know I won't be going to. Making plans to visit in May when I know I won't be around anymore. Etc etc. Every time it happens I feel this horrible weight of lying to them and leading them on. It hurts so much and I feel so guilty.

Telling them isn't an option. They would 5150 me or do something to prevent it. I wish I could so they have time to prepare and that I didn't have to hide things from them.

Holy crap! That explains my situation to a T. I am also disabled, spinal cord injury, been in a chair for 37 years and been pretty much bed ridden for 3 years. I still get up in my chair everyday but only for maybe 30min at a time then it hurts too much. Now its getting to the point where I cant even get comfortable laying in bed! Starting to get bed sores, one on my ankle (thankfully I cant feel it) and one on my elbow that fucking HURTS. Im to the point where there is only one position I can lay in and be a little more comfortable in, but even that is fading.

I have been to the ER 4-5 times in the last 2 months, even shots of dilaudid dont touch the pain I am in. I cant make it much longer. I have a doctors appointment on Thursday and im scared he is going to lock me up in the hospital.

I do NOT want to die in a hospital, I want to die at home in my bed, but then my family will discover me and I dont want that either....FUCK...I am so frustrated, I cant wait much longer, the window is rapidly closing on me for having the physical strength to take my own life...