I Fear the Potential of Failure

[hettyratty]

I have wanted to die since I was a child. I have gone through every therapy and medication that has been offered (granted, I have the NHS, so that hasn't been much). At best I've been waved off with some pills. At worst, I'm told I'm too young to know any better. My therapist just wastes my time and money and says "oh, that sounds sad :(" and says nothing to help. I'm damaged. I'm ugly. I can bring nothing to any relationship. And I know those aren't everything, but I don't want to be alone forever. Yet I roll over like a dog for everyone I meet, only for one mis-speak to be the reason to end it all. I don't even enjoy gaming anymore.

I'm older now, and it is still just as bad. My mother was abusive and left the country when I was around nine, so I've not seen her since, beyond seeing her increasingly unhinged Facebook posts. I tried to CTB at 16 while living with my father. His response to my attempt to OD was to grab stronger meds and force them down my throat so he wouldn't have to deal with me anymore. Sadly the ambulance got there in time, so I've spent many years alone: he kicked me out. I'm lonely, but it feels wrong to make friends when I want to leave. That isn't fair. Plus, I'm autistic and have C-PTSD. I'm not easy to like. Hell, I don't like me, so I don't blame anyone else. I can't afford to live. I don't want to anyway.

I did everything I should. I got a degree. A good degree. I got into Oxbridge, but my father interfered so much in my a-levels that I ended up not doing well enough. My uni was still good though. My best friend at uni said she saw no point in being friends since I'd just CTB. I was alone. I met someone who was (at the time) perfect. I moved to the city I'd always dreamed to move to, and I got the job I always wanted.

My dream partner, after we moved in... They beat me. Choked me. Did it while I was asleep and played dumb when I woke up with bruises. Got mad when I woke up when they did it. I had to move out, and still pay rent there. I don't have that money. I live in a box room now. They're demanding I move my bits of furniture. I can't store it here. I can't afford a storage unit. They were fine with me keeping it at the shared place until they weren't. They claimed I was trying to bait them into being together. They were the one who wanted me to visit, to sleep with me. They were the one who said they loved me even after we broke up, but was still happy to beat me.

I'm older now. The feeling has never gone away. But I don't have the option of a gun. I know it isn't 100%, I know people can survive. But stats say only ~50% of hangings are successful. I am already in pain. I could not go on being in pain and not being able to take my life into my hands, in the case that my attempt leaves me weak. God, what do I do? I think I'd like to OD, but I don't know how to get access to those things. I'd like something where I can pass on my own terms without the risk of waking up nauseous.

Help. Please. I want the choice. But I feel like I have no options. I can't drive to somewhere high. I'm scared of the low success of hanging.

 

[LaughingGoat]

I have wanted to die since I was a child. I have gone through every therapy and medication that has been offered (granted, I have the NHS, so that hasn't been much). At best I've been waved off with some pills. At worst, I'm told I'm too young to know any better. My therapist just wastes my time and money and says "oh, that sounds sad :(" and says nothing to help. I'm damaged. I'm ugly. I can bring nothing to any relationship. And I know those aren't everything, but I don't want to be alone forever. Yet I roll over like a dog for everyone I meet, only for one mis-speak to be the reason to end it all. I don't even enjoy gaming anymore.

I'm older now, and it is still just as bad. My mother was abusive and left the country when I was around nine, so I've not seen her since, beyond seeing her increasingly unhinged Facebook posts. I tried to CTB at 16 while living with my father. His response to my attempt to OD was to grab stronger meds and force them down my throat so he wouldn't have to deal with me anymore. Sadly the ambulance got there in time, so I've spent many years alone: he kicked me out. I'm lonely, but it feels wrong to make friends when I want to leave. That isn't fair. Plus, I'm autistic and have C-PTSD. I'm not easy to like. Hell, I don't like me, so I don't blame anyone else. I can't afford to live. I don't want to anyway.

I did everything I should. I got a degree. A good degree. I got into Oxbridge, but my father interfered so much in my a-levels that I ended up not doing well enough. My uni was still good though. My best friend at uni said she saw no point in being friends since I'd just CTB. I was alone. I met someone who was (at the time) perfect. I moved to the city I'd always dreamed to move to, and I got the job I always wanted.

My dream partner, after we moved in... They beat me. Choked me. Did it while I was asleep and played dumb when I woke up with bruises. Got mad when I woke up when they did it. I had to move out, and still pay rent there. I don't have that money. I live in a box room now. They're demanding I move my bits of furniture. I can't store it here. I can't afford a storage unit. They were fine with me keeping it at the shared place until they weren't. They claimed I was trying to bait them into being together. They were the one who wanted me to visit, to sleep with me. They were the one who said they loved me even after we broke up, but was still happy to beat me.

I'm older now. The feeling has never gone away. But I don't have the option of a gun. I know it isn't 100%, I know people can survive. But stats say only ~50% of hangings are successful. I am already in pain. I could not go on being in pain and not being able to take my life into my hands, in the case that my attempt leaves me weak. God, what do I do? I think I'd like to OD, but I don't know how to get access to those things. I'd like something where I can pass on my own terms without the risk of waking up nauseous.

Help. Please. I want the choice. But I feel like I have no options. I can't drive to somewhere high. I'm scared of the low success of hanging.

Regarding the success rates of hanging, I've seen studies that show rates between 52-84% but it's almost certain that a huge amount of failures are due to partial hanging. Full-suspension and drop hanging especially have way higher success rates.

 

[thealteredmind]

combine methods, that's all I'm going to say

 

[FuneralCry]

In my case it certainly terrifies me how trying to die can potentially go wrong, I find it extremely cruel and unacceptable how people cannot just have the option to die painlessly without any risks or complications, people really shouldn't have to struggle so much to cease existing on their own terms. But anyway best wishes, I hope that you eventually find what you search for.

 

[hettyratty]

Regarding the success rates of hanging, I've seen studies that show rates between 52-84% but it's almost certain that a huge amount of failures are due to partial hanging. Full-suspension and drop hanging especially have way higher success rates.

That's a good point, I didn't think about how they probably lumped them all in together which gave a lower statistic. I wouldn't go partial bc I'm already so sensitive to things being on my neck, my SI would kick in in an instant

In my case it certainly terrifies me how trying to die can potentially go wrong, I find it extremely cruel and unacceptable how people cannot just have the option to die painlessly without any risks or complications, people really shouldn't have to struggle so much to cease existing on their own terms. But anyway best wishes, I hope that you eventually find what you search for.

It really is so so cruel that there isn't an option that might disable me more than I already am. The pain sucks too, because as much as I know it'll end, I can't seem to jump that hurdle no matter how much I know it won't be long. Thank you!