Venting I failed

[a_dead_mess]

this is hopefully going to be my last venting post, I'm sorry if I've annoyed you guys but this is the only safe space for me to share my thoughts.
I've failed at the only thing I thought was easy in life: finding a meaning behind it all. I so wished for a god or someone out there who could just explain reality but I failed at figuring that out. my death is just a matter of time but I can truly feel how close it's getting. I failed at finding the only reason that could've kept me here and I really hate myself because of it.

 

[FuneralCry]

I think that for me it would be impossible to ever see life as having any meaning, there is simply none. I'm sorry that you suffer so much. Best wishes.

 

[y'ffre]

You haven't annoyed anyone. But I want to ask that do you want ctb just for this reason? I mean you could continue searching you could get into spirituality, different belief systems, or diving into parapsychology maybe try to use ayahuasca or mescalin.
But this isn't that simple I guess.
I think probably you find life awful or you are suffering, you don't feel good and motivated. You just don't want to stick to this life and continue searching, you had enough and you want to end it.

 

[a_dead_mess]

You haven't annoyed anyone. But I want to ask that do you want ctb just for this reason? I mean you could continue searching you could get into spirituality, different belief systems, or diving into parapsychology maybe try to use ayahuasca or mescalin.
But this isn't that simple I guess.
I think probably you find life awful or you are suffering, you don't feel good and motivated. You just don't want to stick to this life and continue searching, you had enough and you want to end it.

it's not the only reason I want to ctb but finding meaning is the only thing that could've made me stick around for longer. I appreciate your concern

 

[Forever Sleep]

I think- far from being easy, it's probably the most difficult question you can ask- you really shouldn't beat yourself up over not finding the answer. Not so sure anyone has found the answer... Not so sure it's the same for everyone either- we all place value in different things- we all strive for different things.

Was this a spiritual quest you were on can I ask? If so, with what we have, it's going to be very difficult to come up with something conclusive I would think. There's faith and belief but certainty is more difficult.

Do remember reading a kind of beginners guide to philosophy that suggested that- even if there was no purpose to life- that could be seen as tremendously freeing- as in- there's no obligation to do or be anything- so everything is open and possible. Of course- that's kind of crap because we usually all find ourselves working and doing all sorts of other things we don't want to do- just to get by. Still- the idea is kind of nice.

I'm sorry you have found yourself here. I can relate to feeling disillusioned by it all.

 

[a_dead_mess]

I think- far from being easy, it's probably the most difficult question you can ask- you really shouldn't beat yourself up over not finding the answer. Not so sure anyone has found the answer... Not so sure it's the same for everyone either- we all place value in different things- we all strive for different things.

Was this a spiritual quest you were on can I ask? If so, with what we have, it's going to be very difficult to come up with something conclusive I would think. There's faith and belief but certainty is more difficult.

Do remember reading a kind of beginners guide to philosophy that suggested that- even if there was no purpose to life- that could be seen as tremendously freeing- as in- there's no obligation to do or be anything- so everything is open and possible. Of course- that's kind of crap because we usually all find ourselves working and doing all sorts of other things we don't want to do- just to get by. Still- the idea is kind of nice.

I'm sorry you have found yourself here. I can relate to feeling disillusioned by it all.

I lost a friend to suicide and it fucked me up so badly. I tried everything in my power to stop them but I couldn't (I was a pro-lifer back in the day). they were an online friend so I wasn't sure they died until 4 months of begging that it hit me. I used to be a really religious person so I cried every single day wishing for an explanation on why would god or whoever is out there would let a person go through so much abuse, suffering, and rape, and then possibly throw them into hell after all what they've endured. I then realized miracles don't happen in this world and began searching answers for to my questions. after weeks of searching, I realized human existence is simply not worth anything at all. we are a bunch of memories that make up a fucked up world. if there's a god, I can't comprehend his logic and I don't think I'll search again for his existence because I'll simply be dead.
I'm really sorry for the vent

 

[Forever Sleep]

I lost a friend to suicide and it fucked me up so badly. I tried everything in my power to stop them but I couldn't (I was a pro-lifer back in the day). they were an online friend so I wasn't sure they died until 4 months of begging that it hit me. I used to be a really religious person so I cried every single day wishing for an explanation on why would god or whoever is out there would let a person go through so much abuse, suffering, and rape, and then possibly throw them into hell after all what they've endured. I then realized miracles don't happen in this world and began searching answers for to my questions. after weeks of searching, I realized human existence is simply not worth anything at all. we are a bunch of memories that make up a fucked up world. if there's a god, I can't comprehend his logic and I don't think I'll search again for his existence because I'll simply be dead.
I'm really sorry for the vent

No need to apologise for venting. I agree that not much points to there being a just and good God- if there is one at all.

I'm sorry for the loss of your friend. It sounds as if they had an incredibly difficult life. It must have been very hard on you- especially the not knowing whether they had passed. I hope they are at peace now.

I agree- that it seems butal that they were punished in life and (if it's what you believe/believed) that they would continue to be punished in afterlife for choosing to try to end their suffering. I truly hope that isn't the case. I'm kind of undecided on God/heaven/hell myself.

Really though- I think it's cruel to create any sentient being and then see how they do in a terrible life and then, punish them further if they stray a little from the rule book. Sounds like some weird, unethical experiment. I often envy people who don't believe in God, I actually think it makes things a lot simpler.

I'm sorry you are suffering.

 

[a_dead_mess]

No need to apologise for venting. I agree that not much points to there being a just and good God- if there is one at all.

I'm sorry for the loss of your friend. It sounds as if they had an incredibly difficult life. It must have been very hard on you- especially the not knowing whether they had passed. I hope they are at peace now.

I agree- that it seems butal that they were punished in life and (if it's what you believe/believed) that they would continue to be punished in afterlife for choosing to try to end their suffering. I truly hope that isn't the case. I'm kind of undecided on God/heaven/hell myself.

Really though- I think it's cruel to create any sentient being and then see how they do in a terrible life and then, punish them further if they stray a little from the rule book. Sounds like some weird, unethical experiment. I often envy people who don't believe in God, I actually think it makes things a lot simpler.

I'm sorry you are suffering.

thanks a lot for the support, I really needed it

 

[Astral Storm]

I struggle with this too a lot. The brutality of existence is too much. It all seems like pointless suffering and torture.

 

[Lily (Osako)]

We are all here to vent and support others as they vent. Please never be sorry for speaking up.
This is your space just as much as it is everyone else's.
I'm sorry you're suffering.
My personal belief is that not a single person on earth knows the meaning of life, knows what the purpose of life is.
Some like to pretend they do to make themselves feel better about being here, but I truly believe if everyone were completely honest, everyone would admit they don't know.
They have hope for a reason, they dream up reasons, they manufacture purpose, but no one really knows.
And you know what? That's okay. It's okay not to know.
Just know in your heart no matter how you feel or what decisions you make, we are here to support you. If we have one thing in this world, it's one another. Others from all over the world who are right where you are when it comes to this life.
Sending you my love.