I failed my hanging attempt and now I am in panic because it should have happened today, can anyone help me

[Terrible_Life]

Hi everyone,

today I wanted to end this horrible suffering. I wanted to ctb by hanging.
I was on the ladder with the Noose on my neck but I was so extremely anxious my body was shaking. I told myself this must happen so I pressed my body down to constrict the carotids but again I was so damn afraid like I was never before in my life. I stopped and then I took off the noose and gave up… then after that I had just short time to rebuild everything I mean bringing everything in order. While doing that it all felt so surreal. I couldn't believe what happened. Then my family came back home and this felt absolutely weird in my thoughts I was like wow just a little more braveness and right now I wouldn't be here with this annoying family.
Now I am in panic it's not like i could attempt every day unfortunately this needs to be planned and then I need a lie so I have the house for myself but my main point from this horrible story is:
man damn committing suicide is (at least in my case) absolutely horrible. You stay there with the fucking noose on your neck and you don't know what'll happen after you let yourself fall. All the happiness that was there whenever you thought about ctb because it'll end your problems this is gone. In that moment my body was shaking although I drank alcohol.
What I find fascinating looking back at it is the fact how fast I could just act as if nothing happened. I mean that after this traumatic event took place my first thought was just oh yeah my family will come back soon so I should take off the rope from the beam etc so I won't end up in psych ward.

Now I regret it that I didn't succeed I absolutely regret it just the thought knowing what horrible inhumane suffering awaits me tomorrow in this "house" or better said prison . Tomorrow my ocd my anxiety it'll be horrible and the endless fucking circle will go on and on.

Guys ya'll should know this:
I have no friends whom I can tell all this, I have a family from which I distanced myself completely and I have no therapist. I take no meds nothing. Others here on sasu at least have their benzos or other stuff against their horrible anxiety, panic attacks, ocd etc but I have nothing all I can do is write about my suffering or smoke a cigarette against my anxiety.

 

[soul2realm]

I am sorry for your pain. I went through a similar ordeal a while back, haven't been able to try again. But so much want to!
All I can say is hang in there it will happen eventually but till that time do something about your anxiety. You can always post here or if you feel message me as well. People on this site are kind and can feel like friends. Hope it will help with your anxiety.
PS: The serenity you felt, I went through thay as well, its unexplainable, alomost like a new sense opening up.
Loads of love and blessings.

 

[Terrible_Life]

I am sorry for your pain. I went through a similar ordeal a while back, haven't been able to try again. But so much want to!
All I can say is hang in there it will happen eventually but till that time do something about your anxiety. You can always post here or if you feel message me as well. People on this site are kind and can feel like friends. Hope it will help with your anxiety.
PS: The serenity you felt, I went through thay as well, its unexplainable, alomost like a new sense opening up.
Loads of love and blessings.

that was a kind reply thank you :)
When you attempted was there also this huge anxiety a fear which was so overwhelming?
I kinda feel traumatized from what happened today it needed some hours until I realized what happened today :(
I wish I could know how all those people who succeed with hanging how they felt before their attempt while staying on the chair. From what I experienced it feels so unreal to see hanging videos where they just do it.
I must work on a concept …. I must find a way to succeed only alternative to ctb would be a horrible life

 

[Exhausted546]

Hi everyone,

today I wanted to end this horrible suffering. I wanted to ctb by hanging.
I was on the ladder with the Noose on my neck but I was so extremely anxious my body was shaking. I told myself this must happen so I pressed my body down to constrict the carotids but again I was so damn afraid like I was never before in my life. I stopped and then I took off the noose and gave up… then after that I had just short time to rebuild everything I mean bringing everything in order. While doing that it all felt so surreal. I couldn't believe what happened. Then my family came back home and this felt absolutely weird in my thoughts I was like wow just a little more braveness and right now I wouldn't be here with this annoying family.
Now I am in panic it's not like i could attempt every day unfortunately this needs to be planned and then I need a lie so I have the house for myself but my main point from this horrible story is:
man damn committing suicide is (at least in my case) absolutely horrible. You stay there with the fucking noose on your neck and you don't know what'll happen after you let yourself fall. All the happiness that was there whenever you thought about ctb because it'll end your problems this is gone. In that moment my body was shaking although I drank alcohol.
What I find fascinating looking back at it is the fact how fast I could just act as if nothing happened. I mean that after this traumatic event took place my first thought was just oh yeah my family will come back soon so I should take off the rope from the beam etc so I won't end up in psych ward.

Now I regret it that I didn't succeed I absolutely regret it just the thought knowing what horrible inhumane suffering awaits me tomorrow in this "house" or better said prison . Tomorrow my ocd my anxiety it'll be horrible and the endless fucking circle will go on and on.

Guys ya'll should know this:
I have no friends whom I can tell all this, I have a family from which I distanced myself completely and I have no therapist. I take no meds nothing. Others here on sasu at least have their benzos or other stuff against their horrible anxiety, panic attacks, ocd etc but I have nothing all I can do is write about my suffering or smoke a cigarette against my anxiety.

I know that strange feeling op. Although when I attempted FSH at home, the noose stayed around my neck for a few seconds before I impulsively kicked the chair. By pure chance, the rope was low enough that when it tightened,it also lowered me down just enough for my feet to hit the floor.

I fixed my fsh home set up and my test run proved it'd be extremely deadly and efficient but opted to do it in the woods instead

Nonetheless, it felt weird to pretend nothing ever happened. When by all accords, I'm already supposed to be dead rn. Hell the nooses (1 for the home FSH setup and 1 for the tree FSH setup) are still in my backpack a meter away from me and have been for 7-10 days.

I'll likely ctb when I move out to my own apartment in 2ish months tho unless something good enough happens in my life to somehow make me reconsider

But yeah,it's surreal. Although I got over it after a few hours. I guess the fact that I tried partial hanging 3x last month kinda desensitized me

 

[soul2realm]

that was a kind reply thank you :)
When you attempted was there also this huge anxiety a fear which was so overwhelming?
I kinda feel traumatized from what happened today it needed some hours until I realized what happened today :(
I wish I could know how all those people who succeed with hanging how they felt before their attempt while staying on the chair. From what I experienced it feels so unreal to see hanging videos where they just do it.
I must work on a concept …. I must find a way to succeed only alternative to ctb would be a horrible life

Of course!! It was nerve raking. What you went through today even some of the best military personnel dont encounter during their duty. But the thing is I am glad you are here to talk about it. I wa so scared after mine that I changed my method altogether.

 

[fadedghost]

Hi everyone,

today I wanted to end this horrible suffering. I wanted to ctb by hanging.
I was on the ladder with the Noose on my neck but I was so extremely anxious my body was shaking. I told myself this must happen so I pressed my body down to constrict the carotids but again I was so damn afraid like I was never before in my life. I stopped and then I took off the noose and gave up… then after that I had just short time to rebuild everything I mean bringing everything in order. While doing that it all felt so surreal. I couldn't believe what happened. Then my family came back home and this felt absolutely weird in my thoughts I was like wow just a little more braveness and right now I wouldn't be here with this annoying family.
Now I am in panic it's not like i could attempt every day unfortunately this needs to be planned and then I need a lie so I have the house for myself but my main point from this horrible story is:
man damn committing suicide is (at least in my case) absolutely horrible. You stay there with the fucking noose on your neck and you don't know what'll happen after you let yourself fall. All the happiness that was there whenever you thought about ctb because it'll end your problems this is gone. In that moment my body was shaking although I drank alcohol.
What I find fascinating looking back at it is the fact how fast I could just act as if nothing happened. I mean that after this traumatic event took place my first thought was just oh yeah my family will come back soon so I should take off the rope from the beam etc so I won't end up in psych ward.

Now I regret it that I didn't succeed I absolutely regret it just the thought knowing what horrible inhumane suffering awaits me tomorrow in this "house" or better said prison . Tomorrow my ocd my anxiety it'll be horrible and the endless fucking circle will go on and on.

Guys ya'll should know this:
I have no friends whom I can tell all this, I have a family from which I distanced myself completely and I have no therapist. I take no meds nothing. Others here on sasu at least have their benzos or other stuff against their horrible anxiety, panic attacks, ocd etc but I have nothing all I can do is write about my suffering or smoke a cigarette against my anxiety.

i am so sorry you are going through this

therapy and meds are effective for some depressed people... just in case you don't know...

yep, attempting is incredibly hard and agonizing to do. i have felt that way when attempting before...

 

[hienapospolita]

totally, try going to a shink, maby with meds life will be pleasent and satisfactionary