I failed at CTB last night

[thatisitguy]

I had hoped to be gone by now but I promised myself that my exit would be as comfortable and dignified as possible. One huge hurdle is people constantly interrupting me or asking for my time. I am so overwhelmed. I don't want to down all my fentanyl out of frustration and stress and anger. I want to be in a safe, quiet, clean space where I can be let with just me and my thoughts. Last night I did the best I could do and started popping norco and percocets left and right. Probably 20. My whole mindset that I was going to be at peace and be left alone even if it kills me. I've never taken that many pills. I was fine dying. Obviously I am still alive and that horrifies me. I don't really have a Plan B aside from fentanyl. That is my Plan B. Plan C is buying a gun from my dealer and I don't really want to go down that route. I have even thought about suicide by cop but a lot of them will shoot you with a bean bag these days.

It amuses me how badly I want to die; certainly more than wanting to live. I'm actively trying to kill and hurt myself and it's not working. Maybe it might once I start taking the blues. I thought maybe I have a tolerance which is ironic because I am so beyond stressed out that I need pills to get me through this fucked up patch or I can see myself doing something crazy like pulling over and gobbling all my pills on the side of the road and then be rescued and then probably arrested for possession. At this point I feel like I would be willing to chop off my arm just to get out of life but I am aware that you have to be careful because people will interfere.

 

[Themogger]

I had hoped to be gone by now but I promised myself that my exit would be as comfortable and dignified as possible. One huge hurdle is people constantly interrupting me or asking for my time. I am so overwhelmed. I don't want to down all my fentanyl out of frustration and stress and anger. I want to be in a safe, quiet, clean space where I can be let with just me and my thoughts. Last night I did the best I could do and started popping norco and percocets left and right. Probably 20. My whole mindset that I was going to be at peace and be left alone even if it kills me. I've never taken that many pills. I was fine dying. Obviously I am still alive and that horrifies me. I don't really have a Plan B aside from fentanyl. That is my Plan B. Plan C is buying a gun from my dealer and I don't really want to go down that route. I have even thought about suicide by cop but a lot of them will shoot you with a bean bag these days.

It amuses me how badly I want to die; certainly more than wanting to live. I'm actively trying to kill and hurt myself and it's not working. Maybe it might once I start taking the blues. I thought maybe I have a tolerance which is ironic because I am so beyond stressed out that I need pills to get me through this fucked up patch or I can see myself doing something crazy like pulling over and gobbling all my pills on the side of the road and then be rescued and then probably arrested for possession. At this point I feel like I would be willing to chop off my arm just to get out of life but I am aware that you have to be careful because people will interfere.

I thought fentanyl was fullproof. Also, chopping your hand isn't practical. Unless you've got a bone saw

 

[FuneralCry]

It's so cruel to me how it's not straightforward to permanently be free from all the suffering this existence causes, I really wish it's not so difficult to die. But anyway best wishes, I hope that you eventually find what you search for.

 

[thatisitguy]

I thought fentanyl was fullproof. Also, chopping your hand isn't practical. Unless you've got a bone saw

I was speaking metaphorically about cutting my arm off. I've dabbled with the blues last week and it was strong. I would had tried going overboard but two things put that plan on hold - I was afraid that I might not have enough so I had to wait for my dealer to get me some and I was pressured into taking this side gig that lasted all this week and I don't get paid until next week. If I am dead then I know they won't pay.

But I am aiming to off myself probably next weekend. SN, hydrocondone and percocet didn't kill me and it sucks going back to the drawing board.

 

[mrtime87]

Good luck. It always seems that those who want to CTB can't and thos who want to live do.

It's almost like an Ingrid Bergman film about a protagonist who keeps challenging his with suicide. The more he tries, the more he pissed off God. Something like the book of Jonah.