I failed as a son.

[Circles]

I don't know where to begin with this I'm all over the place. Welp anyway I feel in my heart that I have failed my mother as a son. As she gets older and more sick due her COPD I can't fully help her the way she needs to especially now due to my health issues. I wasted my early 20s being suicidal instead of doing something with my life where I could have maybe eventually help out with my mother. The regrets are sinking in so deep that it feels like I have a blackhole forming inside.

Now that my physical health is getting worse to the point where I can't even take care of myself hardly, I can't even take care of my mother anymore. There's more to what I'm about to say but the situation with my mom is making me want to kill myself before she dies cause I can't deal with my failure as her son. I know most people wouldn't understand or agree with what I said but you aren't me. I know words such as 'honor' never meant anything to me but I feel like I have lost all of it. I wish I could somehow accept this before I kill myself instead of it eating me up inside.

I'll never forget this picture from this children's book she's used to read to me called "Love You Forever". Here's a picture where the son is grown up holding his mom and reminding myself that I won't be able to do that for my mom.



I'm so mentally fucked. Apologies for sharing yet another depressing post.

 

[WhatPowerIs]

You don't need to apologize. My eyes were welling up with tears reading this, and the story book page made me especially sad. I can't even begin to imagine the hurt you are going through. I'm so sorry Circles... I'm really sorry

 

[mortuarymary]

You made me cry. You might not be able to physically help or even mentally but still be there for her. COPD is an awful illness. She needs you. Read to her. Hold her hand, just love her.
Don't regret the past, concentrate on now and your mother.

 

[ResilientAF]

I really feel for you. You have the here and now. Think about your mum and what you could do for her now, no matter how small, to let her know you love and care about her. The fact that she knows you're there for her will mean a lot to her and that in itself should surely help. I'm choked up for you. Sorry if I've put my foot in things.

 

[Grav]

The fact that she knows you're there for her will mean a lot to her and that in itself should surely help

I watched my mother die and it was the one thing I could do. I had the same feelings from a different angle, still do. Nothing I can do about it now but at least I did something when I could. For most people that's all they want so do what you can.

 

[Circles]

You made me cry. You might not be able to physically help or even mentally but still be there for her. COPD is an awful illness. She needs you. Read to her. Hold her hand, just love her.
Don't regret the past, concentrate on now and your mother.

Since I am dealing with my own medical issues it's hard to 'truly' be there. She has literally given up on life and it's truly fucking hard to witness her degrade to the state she's in. My family is dysfunctional af, her and I are both mentally ill, and because of that it's hard get past all that and support her. I don't know what I can do or say at this point. It's utterly indescribably horribly hard to not get trapped thinking about regrets. YES: I understand what y'all have said I should do, but I am too damn numb and suicidal to mentally deal with this. Now I feel like I am making excuses. I guess when I die if there is a hell then being a bad son would be one of the worst consequences of my pointless life.

 

[mortuarymary]

Be there for her.

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

If it helps, parents want to be the ones looking after their kids, oftentimes forever in their own right. That being the case, it's hard to really fail on your end.

I'm sure that she knows you love her and would help more if you could. I imagine she is forgiving in whatever shortcomings you may feel you have. Just be tender and assist her in basic ways, situationally. Even a little thing like getting someone a glass of water is appreciated if they're in bad enough shape.

Stay strong man.

 

[TooConscious]

You aren't heartless, so cut yourself some slack. If only I could.24/7.heed my own advice. My parents didn't have much empathy for my health problems with ruined my entire youth so I don't care to have much more for theirs, I'd still.sayni care more.about them.than them me. Since I'm.the only one who has actually had to face death, parents can fuck with our heads, I'm.not saying that's the case for all and not yours but for any of us who get used as a scapegoat, but my whole.perception changed when i finally saw my parents were exactly like.me.and far.from.perfect. some families need a black sheep because they can't face their own wrongs.

 

[-Link-]

Can you have a conversation with her about your feeling like a failure as a son?

The fact that you're here saying all of this, for you to be self-aware like this and so concerned about being a better son... This isn't what a "failure" would do. A failure of a son wouldn't care about anything you've said here.

What would she say if you repeated to her what you've said to us here?

 

[cheems]

I'm with TooConscious on this one, and allow me to go even further: what have your parents done for you to feel suicidal in your early 20s, and, even worse, feeling guilty about it? You should feel no guilt at all. You were put into this mess of a world unwillingly, nonconsensually, by them, just like their parents did to them. I deeply appreciate you caring for your mother - do not get me wrong - that's one tough endeavour, and their mistakes still don't justify the suffering that comes with old age. My father also has COPD, from smoking. One could say he did it to himself but in my opinion, he didn't. His parents did this to him.

Despite being lucky in the sense that I was never physically abused, the searing words only made possible with the air that came out of his now deteriorating lungs had a deep impact on me. It wasn't fair for me to hear them. And the guilt you feel is also not fair - it is unjustified. You don't owe them care, they owe it to you. Not only that - you should feel very much proud from wanting less suffering for someone else, no matter their mistakes. Now that's honorable. As TooConscious said, please cut yourself some slack, will you? You deserve to, in the very least, not feel guilty. You're trying, and that's more than enough.

 

[ChoclateIsSweet]

You did not fail as a son. I'm sure she must at least feel loved by you. There was a mother and daughter I used to see, the mother was mid 80s and her daughter in her 60s. The mother was always so cheerful and she used to blow me kisses after we talked, they went outside quite often together. The daughter was always distant and she never spoke, it always felt like she was there physically but never mentally. She always called her daughter, 'My beautiful girl'. Even if we can't take care of our parents, we will always be their children.

 

[BrainShower]

You sound like a good person and like someone who loves their mom.
Many parents do not have sons as good as you imo. Be kind to yourself if you can, I know it is hard.

 

[weirdog]

same ,i cant do anything to take it back.