AnonGermany
Student
- Jul 9, 2023
- 157
I failed yet again to commit to ending my life.
About 8 months ago i had very serious plans to go via SN. I was very dedicated to do it this time, but yet again, i gave life another shot and "yelled" for help. I told my therapist what i had planned and that i need serious help - NOW. I told everyone i want to give this life another shot and try, but i do not want to go into a stationary visit again - which they agreed to eventually even though they did not like it.
I slowly worked on myself again, started to change my eating habbits (again) and worked on some "fat people sports" 3 times a week. I lost 25kg over the past 8 months.
I reached out to my online friends again that i abandoned prior to my suicidal plans. They welcomed me and we started hanging out online again and played online games like i was never gone.
And then SHE happened.
I met someone through an online game, which was something i never even considered to happen at all. I was not looking for anyone, didn't try to hide who i am or hide what fears and problems i have. We talked for hours and hours and i was very very honest about EVERYTHING - yes even my suicidal phase and plans.
Yet she still happened and we became very close. We even met in real life about once a month since then. Everything went super fast and it felt right.
SHE drove to me. SHE wanted to be close to me. SHE made the 3.5hour car trip every single time to be with me. Even though i am who i am and have nothing special to offer at all.
We kissed and we fell in love. She even went on a little vacation with me for a couple of days.
We are still meeting atleast once a month for a couple of days and still have feelings and future plans. It is very complicated to go into all details, and honestly they don't really matter. It's gonna take alot of time but the important part is, we can't be closer together anytime soon, it's gonna take years and is not 100% certain.
And yet here i am again.
I have/had... (i don't know how i feel) plans for my future, i have/had hopes again to work on myself and that everything can be better.
I found someone that loves me (for the moment), i lost weight and socialized again, i allowed myself to get new dreams and life goals... and yet... i am in this dark place again. Not only today... i've been lurking again the past couple weeks.
It seems like that deep inside i am still not happy or really can't see myself in the future at all. I still find myself wanting to die.. just be done with everything. Those feelings were gone for a little bit, but they are back and as strong as ever.
As of right now i just want to end it all again. I feel ashamed that i gave life yet another shot and dragged more people into this. Especially her. She is such an amazing person and in a difficult moment in life as well.
I never threw away my SN (even though i really wanted to, and already moved it out of my apartment).
I have no clue if its still good (or was ever "good" to begin with, the tests i did never gave me the purity results i wanted to see).
I want to just start fasting for two days starting tomorrow and then go for it. I have no clue if my SN is good enough or not, nor do i have anymore money left to try out more sources. I have to use what i have and hope.
I don't know what i will do, if this will fail, but this attempt at recovery showed me yet again, that i will never be happy and will always be broken deep inside.
This is just me ranting and writing down my thoughts. As always, there is no real option to talk with anyone about this without consequences.
About 8 months ago i had very serious plans to go via SN. I was very dedicated to do it this time, but yet again, i gave life another shot and "yelled" for help. I told my therapist what i had planned and that i need serious help - NOW. I told everyone i want to give this life another shot and try, but i do not want to go into a stationary visit again - which they agreed to eventually even though they did not like it.
I slowly worked on myself again, started to change my eating habbits (again) and worked on some "fat people sports" 3 times a week. I lost 25kg over the past 8 months.
I reached out to my online friends again that i abandoned prior to my suicidal plans. They welcomed me and we started hanging out online again and played online games like i was never gone.
And then SHE happened.
I met someone through an online game, which was something i never even considered to happen at all. I was not looking for anyone, didn't try to hide who i am or hide what fears and problems i have. We talked for hours and hours and i was very very honest about EVERYTHING - yes even my suicidal phase and plans.
Yet she still happened and we became very close. We even met in real life about once a month since then. Everything went super fast and it felt right.
SHE drove to me. SHE wanted to be close to me. SHE made the 3.5hour car trip every single time to be with me. Even though i am who i am and have nothing special to offer at all.
We kissed and we fell in love. She even went on a little vacation with me for a couple of days.
We are still meeting atleast once a month for a couple of days and still have feelings and future plans. It is very complicated to go into all details, and honestly they don't really matter. It's gonna take alot of time but the important part is, we can't be closer together anytime soon, it's gonna take years and is not 100% certain.
And yet here i am again.
I have/had... (i don't know how i feel) plans for my future, i have/had hopes again to work on myself and that everything can be better.
I found someone that loves me (for the moment), i lost weight and socialized again, i allowed myself to get new dreams and life goals... and yet... i am in this dark place again. Not only today... i've been lurking again the past couple weeks.
It seems like that deep inside i am still not happy or really can't see myself in the future at all. I still find myself wanting to die.. just be done with everything. Those feelings were gone for a little bit, but they are back and as strong as ever.
As of right now i just want to end it all again. I feel ashamed that i gave life yet another shot and dragged more people into this. Especially her. She is such an amazing person and in a difficult moment in life as well.
I never threw away my SN (even though i really wanted to, and already moved it out of my apartment).
I have no clue if its still good (or was ever "good" to begin with, the tests i did never gave me the purity results i wanted to see).
I want to just start fasting for two days starting tomorrow and then go for it. I have no clue if my SN is good enough or not, nor do i have anymore money left to try out more sources. I have to use what i have and hope.
I don't know what i will do, if this will fail, but this attempt at recovery showed me yet again, that i will never be happy and will always be broken deep inside.
This is just me ranting and writing down my thoughts. As always, there is no real option to talk with anyone about this without consequences.
