Venting I envy those who have felt loved.

[DarkThoughts]

This ramble is full of self-pity and jealousy, so don't read it if you find it cringeworthy.

As with many of my negative thoughts, this one is probably related to autism. Hours pass by - with my mind fixated on my desperation to feel loved. I feel disgusting and shameful for thinking this way, but I can't change fact. I'm incapable of love because I'm incapable of truly understanding people. I don't even know what friendships or relationships are. It's like almost everyone else got an instruction manual, yet I'm trapped here. Watching the world pass by, seeing people enjoy each other's presence. Why can't I have that? Why have I been left out to rot in this place? I crave affection and understanding so deeply, but that's all it will ever be; a desire, a dream, a wish. These thoughts make me want to skin myself with a butter knife. It's so frustratingly torturous. Hearing and seeing people who haven't been afflicted by such problems physically hurts me. Normal people find my needs too complex. Even if they somehow didn't find me repulsive, there's no reason for someone to stick around. Caring about me is exhausting, that's why no one wants to try. I know love wouldn't cure me, but it would give me a reason to stay. I've seen that people can enjoy life, but nothing is keeping me here. I just wish I wasn't so repugnant.

 

[WhatPowerIs]

I relate to this a lot. Love feels so alien to me, I have no idea what I would do if i were put in a situation like that, but i'd like to experience it. it wont happen though. i am too repulsive.,

 

[tbroken]

Trust me, love is overrated and mostly doesn't exist.
You're value is only based on how you can be useful in this freaky world.

 

[DarkThoughts]

All I can do in this life is support others; in life or death. I put everyone else's needs far above my own. The only pleasant emotions I'm capable of experience derive from the act of being generous or kind. I would like to be able to experience more, but perhaps that's not within my grasp. It hurts to be constantly reminded of the life I was never destined for.

 

[Throwawayacc3]

All I can do in this life is support others; in life or death. I put everyone else's needs far above my own. The only pleasant emotions I'm capable of experience derive from the act of being generous or kind. I would like to be able to experience more, but perhaps that's not within my grasp. It hurts to be constantly reminded of the life I was never destined for.

Been there and done that with people pleasing. I don't think it's worth it. When the other person leaves (I dont know whether it was because of the financial or the depression) but regardless they left. If it's one or either it makes it even worse. And that was 4 years. All gone. If you have a high IQ and photo graphic memory you CANNOT erase all the stuff - memories, songs, photos, etc. now it's stuck with you forever. I'd say it's WORSE than not having anyone in the first place. It's purgatory hell.

 

[divinemistress36]

Dogs can provide unconditional love or at least it feels that way

 

[DarkThoughts]

Dogs can provide unconditional love or at least it feels that way

I have 2 cats and a dog, I really enjoy the time spent with them, but it doesn't ease my pain.

 

[JensenX]

This ramble is full of self-pity and jealousy, so don't read it if you find it cringeworthy.

As with many of my negative thoughts, this one is probably related to autism. Hours pass by - with my mind fixated on my desperation to feel loved. I feel disgusting and shameful for thinking this way, but I can't change fact. I'm incapable of love because I'm incapable of truly understanding people. I don't even know what friendships or relationships are. It's like almost everyone else got an instruction manual, yet I'm trapped here. Watching the world pass by, seeing people enjoy each other's presence. Why can't I have that? Why have I been left out to rot in this place? I crave affection and understanding so deeply, but that's all it will ever be; a desire, a dream, a wish. These thoughts make me want to skin myself with a butter knife. It's so frustratingly torturous. Hearing and seeing people who haven't been afflicted by such problems physically hurts me. Normal people find my needs too complex. Even if they somehow didn't find me repulsive, there's no reason for someone to stick around. Caring about me is exhausting, that's why no one wants to try. I know love wouldn't cure me, but it would give me a reason to stay. I've seen that people can enjoy life, but nothing is keeping me here. I just wish I wasn't so repugnant.

It's not the same story, but I've wasted 20 years with a woman that never loved me. She married me for monetary gain, but after going broke at covid-time, she promptly moved on. I've never experienced any love from my family also and I am now 100% estranged from my family after my mother died just over a year ago. The difference between us is that I don't need love. It's an alien concept that I watch on TV. On rare occasions when someone tried to hug me, I felt very uncomfortable. I'm lucky I don't live in the US as it appears that everyone hugs each other, even when they are strangers LOL.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I think I may be the exception here but I always think that I'd be the same regardless of whether I get loved or not. I just can't see love fixing me at all or even making me slightly better. I don't understand how love helps people and makes them better. For some people, all it would take is love to recover entirely and I can never understand it. What is it about a relationship that's so good?

 

[rozeske]

I feel some of us are meant to pass through life without receiving much love. That kind of eases my pain than always wondering why me? What did I do? Why am I so unlovable? and so on...maybe this is meant to be, live life by giving all the love you can untill you feel sucked dry and die never having received even half of it.

 

[Namarupa]

Plutarch defined love as a disease of the soul. Modern science is also reaching towards similar conclusions. Hang in there, buddy.