Shockie
New Member
- Apr 5, 2025
- 1
I know this thread will be very painful to write, but I had to express how I feel exactly at this moment.
My name is Daphné (but call me Shockie) and in case you've never heard of me, I've been on SaSu for more than four months, but I never posted any thread in these discussions because I didn't know how it works and also because I was too ashamed of talking about such topics. The actual purpose of my thread is looking for your opinion about my current situation, and what I should do to get out of this crappy situation.
I grew up and I've been raised into a very conservative christian family. Unfortunately, I went through a lot of things since I was 11 (I'm 21 now) and honestly, my family isn't helping at all. As they are strongly attached to Christianity (they are Evangelicals), they do consider mental health disorders as something "demonic" and told me that I should pray instead of having these issues.
The problem is the fact that I've severely suffered from bullying from 9 to 17 and a half. I've been mocked, humiliated, ridiculed and betrayed because of my way of speaking and because I was too smart and cultured in comparison of others. I've also suffered from physical bullying and abuse, which has greatly degraded my mental state. Some of my former teachers were also openly mocking me or even shouting at me because I was way too depressed to focus on courses. And despite reporting all situations to the headmaster, I was ignored or taken for granted. Some of my former classmates had even the audacity to provoke me for no resaon, which unfortunately led me to fight against them and being temporarily exepelled twice from school. When I was only 13 and a half, I've suddenly lost my grandmother due to a stroke and it still affects me to this day because I had strong relationship with her. This tragic news have deeply affected me as it made my grades drop a lot and isolate more from everyone I know.
Even when I was severely bullied, explained the situation to my family and telling them I hate school because of this, my older brother had the fucking audacity to compare it to children that can't go to school due to conflictual geopolitical contexts (Girls in Afghanistan are a very sad example). I was honestly infuriated because :
1 - It is absolutely NOT the same context. The first one is on a psychological and social aspect, the other one is a geopolitical context.
2 - He has himself suffered from bullying when he was younger but brutally bashes my sufferings due to this, in addition of blaming me because I've been assualted by a psychotic woman two years ago, and also because I've tried to take care of my mental health after being sexually harassed by a man this year in February.
3 - He tried to ignore my feelings and sufferings, when I've been strangled by someone in church seven years ago (when I was 14), and ridiculed by other people in church.
And as if it wasn't enough, my parents were honestly upset that I'm seeking a psychologist every week because for them, I'm was getting in contact was too often with her as she was perceived by family as a sort of guru that influences me to be pushed away from my religion (I'm Christian by the way, but disappointed by their behaviours. Moreover, it seems that the Bible recognizes doctors and mental health doctors, and stricly condemns any person that minimize in a condescending way people's sufferings and wounds). Because of this, I've stopped seeing my psychologist for them and they were relieved that I didn't see her anymore. In all honesty, I'm on the verge of leaving religion for good because of the judgement they had on her and everything related to psychology and psychiatry. Since I've stopped contacting her, my mental health has grealty degraded, and I'm thinking more and more about CTB because I mess up things and I struggle asking for help because of my trust issues with my family.
The biggest irony is the fact that going at my psychologist's was indeed helping me a lot to confess to the Christ and was improving my mental health progressively. In case you are wondering, I have been diagnosed with severe dysthymia with a high risk of developping cyclothymia. With this, I tried to manage my poor and miserable mental health by drawing, practicing Badminton, writing horror and romantic fanfictions, listening to electronic music, playing video games, and watching YouTube videos. Unfortunately, I still live with my parents and I excruciatingly struggle having a job in order to have money independently and leave the heck out of here. (I've applied for more than 300 jobs for only 10 meetings with all of them being refused).
(Note)
- Writing is my absolute passion. I do write fanfics since I was 9 and a half. (Mostly horror and mystery fanfics)
- I do love electronic music. It's like a drug that helps me relieve and soothe my sufferings.
But I'm afraid it is not as effective as before anymore. I have the sad feeling that nothing ever relieves me. My thoughts are honestly very dark (I'm thinking about ctb, k*lling people, t**turing my bullies, being afraid of being a failure, thinking I'm worth nothing and people will feel way better when I'll die from sui**de, etc.), and I genuinely think I'm a major burden to anyone I know in my life.
I would like to have your honest opinion about it. What should I do in this case ? I'm going to give up because I struggle way too much in life, psychologically and morally talking. (Remember that you are free to not believe or believe any god / entity you want, I don't mind your belifs and I respect that.)
And by the way I'm sorry for grammar mistakes, English is not my mother tongue. (I'm French)
My name is Daphné (but call me Shockie) and in case you've never heard of me, I've been on SaSu for more than four months, but I never posted any thread in these discussions because I didn't know how it works and also because I was too ashamed of talking about such topics. The actual purpose of my thread is looking for your opinion about my current situation, and what I should do to get out of this crappy situation.
I grew up and I've been raised into a very conservative christian family. Unfortunately, I went through a lot of things since I was 11 (I'm 21 now) and honestly, my family isn't helping at all. As they are strongly attached to Christianity (they are Evangelicals), they do consider mental health disorders as something "demonic" and told me that I should pray instead of having these issues.
The problem is the fact that I've severely suffered from bullying from 9 to 17 and a half. I've been mocked, humiliated, ridiculed and betrayed because of my way of speaking and because I was too smart and cultured in comparison of others. I've also suffered from physical bullying and abuse, which has greatly degraded my mental state. Some of my former teachers were also openly mocking me or even shouting at me because I was way too depressed to focus on courses. And despite reporting all situations to the headmaster, I was ignored or taken for granted. Some of my former classmates had even the audacity to provoke me for no resaon, which unfortunately led me to fight against them and being temporarily exepelled twice from school. When I was only 13 and a half, I've suddenly lost my grandmother due to a stroke and it still affects me to this day because I had strong relationship with her. This tragic news have deeply affected me as it made my grades drop a lot and isolate more from everyone I know.
Even when I was severely bullied, explained the situation to my family and telling them I hate school because of this, my older brother had the fucking audacity to compare it to children that can't go to school due to conflictual geopolitical contexts (Girls in Afghanistan are a very sad example). I was honestly infuriated because :
1 - It is absolutely NOT the same context. The first one is on a psychological and social aspect, the other one is a geopolitical context.
2 - He has himself suffered from bullying when he was younger but brutally bashes my sufferings due to this, in addition of blaming me because I've been assualted by a psychotic woman two years ago, and also because I've tried to take care of my mental health after being sexually harassed by a man this year in February.
3 - He tried to ignore my feelings and sufferings, when I've been strangled by someone in church seven years ago (when I was 14), and ridiculed by other people in church.
And as if it wasn't enough, my parents were honestly upset that I'm seeking a psychologist every week because for them, I'm was getting in contact was too often with her as she was perceived by family as a sort of guru that influences me to be pushed away from my religion (I'm Christian by the way, but disappointed by their behaviours. Moreover, it seems that the Bible recognizes doctors and mental health doctors, and stricly condemns any person that minimize in a condescending way people's sufferings and wounds). Because of this, I've stopped seeing my psychologist for them and they were relieved that I didn't see her anymore. In all honesty, I'm on the verge of leaving religion for good because of the judgement they had on her and everything related to psychology and psychiatry. Since I've stopped contacting her, my mental health has grealty degraded, and I'm thinking more and more about CTB because I mess up things and I struggle asking for help because of my trust issues with my family.
The biggest irony is the fact that going at my psychologist's was indeed helping me a lot to confess to the Christ and was improving my mental health progressively. In case you are wondering, I have been diagnosed with severe dysthymia with a high risk of developping cyclothymia. With this, I tried to manage my poor and miserable mental health by drawing, practicing Badminton, writing horror and romantic fanfictions, listening to electronic music, playing video games, and watching YouTube videos. Unfortunately, I still live with my parents and I excruciatingly struggle having a job in order to have money independently and leave the heck out of here. (I've applied for more than 300 jobs for only 10 meetings with all of them being refused).
(Note)
- Writing is my absolute passion. I do write fanfics since I was 9 and a half. (Mostly horror and mystery fanfics)
- I do love electronic music. It's like a drug that helps me relieve and soothe my sufferings.
But I'm afraid it is not as effective as before anymore. I have the sad feeling that nothing ever relieves me. My thoughts are honestly very dark (I'm thinking about ctb, k*lling people, t**turing my bullies, being afraid of being a failure, thinking I'm worth nothing and people will feel way better when I'll die from sui**de, etc.), and I genuinely think I'm a major burden to anyone I know in my life.
I would like to have your honest opinion about it. What should I do in this case ? I'm going to give up because I struggle way too much in life, psychologically and morally talking. (Remember that you are free to not believe or believe any god / entity you want, I don't mind your belifs and I respect that.)
And by the way I'm sorry for grammar mistakes, English is not my mother tongue. (I'm French)
Last edited:
