Venting I don’t want to wait

[SaintMary]

i Sit in so much internal pain writing this and my thoughts are running in a manic state.
bouncing ridiculous ways of keeping myself afloat until my SN package arrives. It's going to take more time than I wanted.Today I'm at my breaking point. And it's a perfect day. It's the 27th and I'm The perfect fit for the club as well. I'm not going to work and I don't have an excuse so I'm just turning my phone off. I'm envious of packs not in my possession. I'd also find the dark humor in having my supplies come mere days after my departure.
As my anxiety over missing work rises, I'm losing sight of why I wanted the package in the first place. I've also considered using my shower as a post to hang myself and never has it looked so glamorous. While I watched everyone walk out of the door this morning disappointed in my cries of pain and probably annoyed for the same "poor me" behavior. They'll feel as though they tried to help me but I'll let everyone know that the advice I've received is anything but. If anything the advice causes me to withdraw further and make me feel even less like living.
being here makes me feel conflicted. I never would want anyone to feel the magnitude of constant pain I feel and hopelessness. But the amount of articles written by others on here make me feel at least relieved that my thoughts aren't alien. I just sit here alone staring at my wall wondering what lie I'll tell work,if I'll attempt to hang myself, and how long will I sit here before I do. I just am tired of sitting here alone.

 

[randomz]

i Sit in so much internal pain writing this and my thoughts are running in a manic state.
bouncing ridiculous ways of keeping myself afloat until my SN package arrives. It's going to take more time than I wanted.Today I'm at my breaking point. And it's a perfect day. It's the 27th and I'm The perfect fit for the club as well. I'm not going to work and I don't have an excuse so I'm just turning my phone off. I'm envious of packs not in my possession. I'd also find the dark humor in having my supplies come mere days after my departure.
As my anxiety over missing work rises, I'm losing sight of why I wanted the package in the first place. I've also considered using my shower as a post to hang myself and never has it looked so glamorous. While I watched everyone walk out of the door this morning disappointed in my cries of pain and probably annoyed for the same "poor me" behavior. They'll feel as though they tried to help me but I'll let everyone know that the advice I've received is anything but. If anything the advice causes me to withdraw further and make me feel even less like living.
being here makes me feel conflicted. I never would want anyone to feel the magnitude of constant pain I feel and hopelessness. But the amount of articles written by others on here make me feel at least relieved that my thoughts aren't alien. I just sit here alone staring at my wall wondering what lie I'll tell work,if I'll attempt to hang myself, and how long will I sit here before I do. I just am tired of sitting here alone.

You are not sitting alone there. We are with you. You can always write on this site and we will hear you. Why are you in so much pain? What happened?

 

[TAW122]

I'm sorry to hear that you are in a bad place. I don't think you should rush into any decision without being 100% sure and certain. Anyways, I hope you find peace in whatever you decide to do.

 

[Pol]

i'm glad to know you're relieved that you're not the only one having these thoughts. sorry to hear about the situation. time is the most difficult to handle. i agree, don't rush things. be certain, and plan ahead. while waiting, we'll be here to hear you out.