Venting I don't want to suffer anymore

[endofafoxtwo]

I want to heal so badly, but I can't
I feel stuck in a limbo
Because I don't want to harm myself anymore
I don't want to fall into the patterns that result in me getting revictimized
I don't want to do drugs just to run from the pain
I don't want to desperately seek company and affection anymore
I just want to heal, grow, and move past all this
But I can't
Even when I do everything right
All I am left with is nothing
Empty
Why must I be so mechanical
Why can I not decide to just be okay
What right does this body have to force me to mentally suffer in this way
I hate it
But I am trying so hard not to hate myself

 

[endofafoxtwo]

Im defective. I wish I had access to poison so I could just be done with this shit....
-
I am tired of waking up every day
Knowing the best that can happen is that nothing gets worse
Usually it does get worse
Little by little
I don't know if hope makes it hurt more or hurt less
But it just feels like every day's some sadistic test
To see how long I can live with an empty heart
How long I'll last before it will tear me apart
Honestly, I've had enough
I'm just about ready to go
If anyone would do me the kindness
To provide me an easy way out...
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Fuck, somatization sucks.
Try to let the pain go, it just sinks down into my gut and gives me indigestion... aaaaaaaa
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-
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Here's something pathetic ive never shared before. Since this website is anonymous I guess it doesnt matter.
My fantasy, my hope, my dream is that when I die one day, I can be reborn a wild animal. To have a loving family, to be free of humanity, those are my deepest desires.
But if I had to keep all my memories from this life for some reason, I don't think I could fully enjoy the beauty of it.
So in that case, I wouldn't mind being somebody's pet.. It's stupid, it's pathetic, but I would get a lot of joy out of it for two reasons. First, because I would be loved and cared for. Second, because I would inspire love in others. The idea of somebody looking at me and being made joyful by my presence and appearence makes me really happy. The idea that I could improve somebody's life and warm their heart just by being alive and being myself.
I'd love to curl up in lap of someone like myself who is so deeply traumatized and woeful and sorrowful, and just stay there cozied up to them. Remind them that love exists, that there's beauty in the world. That at least something cares for them and enjoys their company and warmth, even if that something were just a "mere" animal..

I want to be happy, healthy, and loved.
I want others to be happy, healthy, and loved.
Why can't everybody want these things?

Why is it that the good and the kind and the innocent suffer, while the evil and malignant get everything good in life it seems?
Should it not be those who commit evil acts who should be punished, not their victims!?
I wish I could cry right now. I hate how fucked my emotions are, I can't feel anything right anymore. I should br crying. God(s) damn it all..
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If you're reading this right now, can you tell me how reading all of this affects you?
I really am curious how other people think when exposed to this sort of material.

 

[MichaelSandBL]

I want to try oxalic acid but not sure how effective it will be don't want to be locked in a psyc ward with burned out throat etc and don't want to risk disability afterwards.

need something I can get in the UK that doesn't hurt as much.

 

[Wilsonie_22]

You better hope those Hindus were right and maybe you'll be an animal after dying!

 

[endofafoxtwo]

I want to try oxalic acid but not sure how effective it will be don't want to be locked in a psyc ward with burned out throat etc and don't want to risk disability afterwards.

need something I can get in the UK that doesn't hurt as much.

Ive been thinking of synthasizing cyanide personally since it's relatively easy and extremely lethal.

You better hope those Hindus were right and maybe you'll be an animal after dying!

Yes; here's hoping.
At worst it will be a neat near death hallucination I guess, heh.
I'm not afraid of hell. I've been a good man, circumstances taken into consideration.

 

[MichaelSandBL]

Ive been thinking of synthasizing cyanide personally since it's relatively easy and extremely lethal.

Yes; here's hoping.
At worst it will be a neat near death hallucination I guess, heh.
I'm not afraid of hell. I've been a good man, circumstances taken into consideration.

cherry pits have a good source amygdalin which can become of cyanide vitamin c helps I heard

 

[endofafoxtwo]

cherry pits have a good source amygdalin which can become of cyanide vitamin c helps I heard

Better to just refine it and use pure cyanide imo.
it doesnt require any chem equipment that you cant easily diy.

 

[Pluto]

My fantasy, my hope, my dream is that when I die one day, I can be reborn a wild animal. To have a loving family, to be free of humanity, those are my deepest desires.

This reminds me of when I was in my 20s. I was reading about gray wolves, but something felt off. Then I realised to my horror that the wolves were vastly better parents than I had had. They actually love and care for their cubs.


It's all the more interesting considering the way wolves are demonised in human cultures. (Big Bad Wolf and all that.) Their only crime is caring for their own families, rather than being 'trainable' for human exploitation.

I hope you can find a breakthrough in your situation. I made a mistake in being slow to get a proper diagnosis myself (CPTSD). It is important to be clear on what has happened and how a trauma response from the past is still affecting you.

 

[endofafoxtwo]

This reminds me of when I was in my 20s. I was reading about gray wolves, but something felt off. Then I realised to my horror that the wolves were vastly better parents than I had had. They actually love and care for their cubs.

It's all the more interesting considering the way wolves are demonised in human cultures. (Big Bad Wolf and all that.) Their only crime is caring for their own families, rather than being 'trainable' for human exploitation.

yes, that's exactly it. Same with foxes. They're called pests and vermin and the like, steriotyped as being decietful and cruel, but in reality they are extremely loyal and loving parents and very talented hunters who are essential for controlling the exact sort of animals that eat human crops. One fox does the job of 2 or 3 cats.
They are also one of the earliest friends of mankind. The oldest human-animal burial was between a man and a fox who had a healed broken leg with signs of medical intervention.
Even today after all of the cruelties foxes are befriendable. It takes a long time for them to trust that you won't try to capture them, but once you accomplish that I've seen examples where they'd come to a familiar human just to socialize; they'd reject food.

Yes I will admit though, a lot of why I wish I were an animal rather than a man is because I can be confident I would not have suffered lacking these very basic things if I were.

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be so tiring feeling trapped in that situation, life really is so unnecessarily cruel. But anyway I wish you the best, to me it's awful how people suffer all through no fault of their own.

 

[endofafoxtwo]

I hope you can find a breakthrough in your situation. I made a mistake in being slow to get a proper diagnosis myself (CPTSD). It is important to be clear on what has happened and how a trauma response from the past is still affecting you.

Sadly, I really don't see how I could heal.
It's not like I can just start over with new parents and friends, ones that actually love and care for me. I am developmentally destroyed :(
The one time I felt like I was close, the person who was "helping" me at the time turned out to just be exploiting me for both money and some type of sick fetish I didn't even know about. When I learned about that was the first time I really seriously tried to ctb.

 

[endofafoxtwo]

 

[Pluto]

I'm actually familiar with Biscuit since foxes have started to become appreciated for their beauty and character, even here! It's easy to see why pets can help some people so much.

Sadly, I really don't see how I could heal.

This is tricky for me to respond to. I relate to every word you say and still haven't managed to overcome it. Just by being easy targets, we can attract some of the worst in humanity.

I always advise people to give up on changing our parents. I ended contact with mine many years ago. Beyond that, the people in our lives may change, but are a reflection of where we are at. The trauma is not original or fundamental to us (i.e., we still existed before the trauma) so it's a question of whether any genuine methods exist to exorcise it. If so, it probably isn't something we could figure out by ourselves, since our very minds are afflicted.

 

[endofafoxtwo]

I'm actually familiar with Biscuit since foxes have started to become appreciated for their beauty and character, even here! It's easy to see why pets can help some people so much.


This is tricky for me to respond to. I relate to every word you say and still haven't managed to overcome it. Just by being easy targets, we can attract some of the worst in humanity.

I always advise people to give up on changing our parents. I ended contact with mine many years ago. Beyond that, the people in our lives may change, but are a reflection of where we are at. The trauma is not original or fundamental to us (i.e., we still existed before the trauma) so it's a question of whether any genuine methods exist to exorcise it. If so, it probably isn't something we could figure out by ourselves, since our very minds are afflicted.

Yeah. I agree with everything you said. I still try to find some way out. I know there has to be a way.