The day is coming and I'm so fucking scared. I've wanted to die for a very long time, and life has continued to get worse and worse. I have learned more and more about myself, a lot of things I am so happy to understand now but understanding is only that. Some of them are just problems that have been identified, that are still ruining my life, and I can't do anything about them. I have no friends and no family. The last time I tried to reach out for someone desperately for help they told me all the problems I face, even mental and physical, are my own fault and coming to church with them is the only way to fix them and save myself.
I give up.
I have tried over and over and failed each time and I'm so mentally worn out now. I give up. I can't function like the average person, I can barely take care of myself anymore, and nobody cares. That was the hardest thing I had to swallow. The fact that no one cares. I'm going to kill myself in a few days and no one cares. They will care afterward, maybe. They will care about the mess and inconvenience. Nobody gives a shit that I am alive. That really fucking hurts. It's not even an exaggeration, I don't have any friends, and the only "family" I have are truly evil people that I want nothing to do with, and since I won't bow down and kiss their feet, they shun me. I got dealt a bit of a shitty hand of cards, and I don't have the strength or mental fortitude to make anything out of it. I give up.
I'm pretty much out of money now. My health is failing me pretty hard as is my mental health. I'm going insane. Even if I wasn't about to lose my place of living without a solution in 10 days, I'm pretty sure homelessness is the only future I have. I'm not okay, I need help, and I can't get it. I live in a shitty place, a shitty society, full of shitty people who think mental health problems are moral failures.
I have enough money to buy a gun. I'm going to buy one, and shoot myself.
I am so fucking scared. I have seen a lot of shit, and I am so fucking scared of doing it. I'm so scared it might not work, I'm so scared of the feelings I will or may have despite the fact it will all be over anyway. The deepest part of my subconscious is terrified. I want to die so badly, I know that my life is pretty much over anyway and there's nothing I can do. Infinite suffering is all my future holds and I can't do it. I've been so fucking miserable for so long, the only option I have is to fucking end myself. I'm so fucking scared. I have a vivid imagination and it has not shied away from considering the possibilities I'm opening up by doing this.
I've been struggling to sleep and eat. I've been pouring as much time as I can into my art because it's the only purpose I feel anymore, and it's not like a single fucking person on this entire shitty planet will even give a fuck about any of the things I made after I'm gone. It will just become lost on electronic waste. Memories in the mind of a dead person.
I don't want to experience dying. I want to be dead. I am so fucking scared. I don't know what else I can do... there is just no hope and no solution. Life isn't a fairytale, very few people get happy endings or get to be actually happy... and the majority of them are the richest and most evil ones. The world is going to shit, will there even be one worth living in?? I'm scared to live in the place I currently live, and it's only getting worse. I wish miracles were real.
I give up.
I have tried over and over and failed each time and I'm so mentally worn out now. I give up. I can't function like the average person, I can barely take care of myself anymore, and nobody cares. That was the hardest thing I had to swallow. The fact that no one cares. I'm going to kill myself in a few days and no one cares. They will care afterward, maybe. They will care about the mess and inconvenience. Nobody gives a shit that I am alive. That really fucking hurts. It's not even an exaggeration, I don't have any friends, and the only "family" I have are truly evil people that I want nothing to do with, and since I won't bow down and kiss their feet, they shun me. I got dealt a bit of a shitty hand of cards, and I don't have the strength or mental fortitude to make anything out of it. I give up.
I'm pretty much out of money now. My health is failing me pretty hard as is my mental health. I'm going insane. Even if I wasn't about to lose my place of living without a solution in 10 days, I'm pretty sure homelessness is the only future I have. I'm not okay, I need help, and I can't get it. I live in a shitty place, a shitty society, full of shitty people who think mental health problems are moral failures.
I have enough money to buy a gun. I'm going to buy one, and shoot myself.
I am so fucking scared. I have seen a lot of shit, and I am so fucking scared of doing it. I'm so scared it might not work, I'm so scared of the feelings I will or may have despite the fact it will all be over anyway. The deepest part of my subconscious is terrified. I want to die so badly, I know that my life is pretty much over anyway and there's nothing I can do. Infinite suffering is all my future holds and I can't do it. I've been so fucking miserable for so long, the only option I have is to fucking end myself. I'm so fucking scared. I have a vivid imagination and it has not shied away from considering the possibilities I'm opening up by doing this.
I've been struggling to sleep and eat. I've been pouring as much time as I can into my art because it's the only purpose I feel anymore, and it's not like a single fucking person on this entire shitty planet will even give a fuck about any of the things I made after I'm gone. It will just become lost on electronic waste. Memories in the mind of a dead person.
I don't want to experience dying. I want to be dead. I am so fucking scared. I don't know what else I can do... there is just no hope and no solution. Life isn't a fairytale, very few people get happy endings or get to be actually happy... and the majority of them are the richest and most evil ones. The world is going to shit, will there even be one worth living in?? I'm scared to live in the place I currently live, and it's only getting worse. I wish miracles were real.
