I don't want to live and I don't want to die.

[throwaway123]

I know I can't stay like this forever but I just don't know what to do. Deep down in my heart I want to die but the process of dying and all that. It's just not for me.

I distract myself all the time because I can't stand my life. Netflix,Youtube,constant daydreams, those are my forms of escapism.
Then life hits me and I get grounded it reality.
I keep thinking that I should do it but everytime I get close I stop. Not because I don't want to but because I'm scared.
I wonder all the time if there will just come a day when I'll just stop. Stop living and finally do it.
At some point the realization will hit me head on. I know the day is coming closer and there might be a day like that soon. I hope so because living like this. Between two worlds with one foot in the grave is not the right way to live.

I also had another revelation. I don't know what happens after death but I do know this. After I die I will cease to exist. I exist only once. My genetics, the environment, other people, my whole life is unique. Everyone's life is unique. We're all one of a kind. I used to want to believe in reincarnation but I don't anymore. It is foolish to believe in any sort of afterlife. We know what happens, we know we will never be in this world again but what we don't know is what happens after if there is anything. The most plausible thing is non-existance and to be honest it is better than the life I'm living. Not existing is better than living forever. Why the hell would anyone want to live in heaven forever?
Life can be very beautiful and the few decades we live make it so precious. If there was an afterlife this life would be worthless. I believe that this is a conclusion most people come to. When you're about to die. Everything you know and love will cease to exist, for you at least.
The world will continue without you. The sun will continue to shine.....
This is heartbreaking but finding everlasting peace trough non-existance gives me a kind of comfort that being alive does not.
In the end we are just animals, biological machines. I know for some this is hard to accept but this is just my view. I am sick of endless discussion about this. Just accept whatever comes after.
This reincarnation bullshit, heaven and hell. These are all constructs designed to keep us locked here. "If you commit suicide you will go to hell" is what they said a few hundred years ago. Today they say "If you commit suicide you will be reincarnated into a worse life" is what they say today. Can't you see the absurdity?

There is no second chance. This is the only life you got and that's what makes it so precious. Your life, your choice. No one but you is capable of deciding when to end it. It's not wrong to end it. Life can be so beautiful but life is not for everyone. There are winners and losers(like me).

It hurts to know that I will never be able to live a life like the ordinary people but it feels good knowing there are people who are capable of enjoying this life they have even if it is a simple one.

Ultimately I feel that whether or not we end our lives is entirely up to us. Don't let anyone scare you into thinking otherwise.

I hope one day people will be able to freely chose their date of depature from this world.





btw I absolutely hate this new age bullshit.

 

[DrownedOctopus]

SI is one strong and difficult to overcome instinct.
I agree that after life is nothing, and I too am comforted in knowing that.
I don't plan to kill myself because I think there's something better waiting for me on the other side.
I think for a lot of people, maybe even you, the decision to ctb is made harder because it's unknown. There's fear in the unknown, and usually you're more likely to suffer through life because it is what is known to you.
Death is like schrodinger's cat, but with so many more possibilities. The fact that nobody knows 100% what happens, if anything, after you die.
You'll never know until you die, and for a lot of people the possibility, no matter how small, of a negative outcome is enough to keep them grounded in life.
I'm not saying this is what is happening with you, but I think some of your fear could be stemming from that.
It's hard to throw yourself into something so permanent without knowing what's going to happen.

 

[throwaway123]

SI is one strong and difficult to overcome instinct.
I agree that after life is nothing, and I too am comforted in knowing that.
I don't plan to kill myself because I think there's something better waiting for me on the other side.
I think for a lot of people, maybe even you, the decision to ctb is made harder because it's unknown. There's fear in the unknown, and usually you're more likely to suffer through life because it is what is known to you.
Death is like schrodinger's cat, but with so many more possibilities. The fact that nobody knows 100% what happens, if anything, after you die.
You'll never know until you die, and for a lot of people the possibility, no matter how small, of a negative outcome is enough to keep them grounded in life.
I'm not saying this is what is happening with you, but I think some of your fear could be stemming from that.
It's hard to throw yourself into something so permanent without knowing what's going to happen.

Yes! That's exactly how I feel :)

 

[CornerE]

This reincarnation bullshit, heaven and hell. These are all constructs designed to keep us locked here. "If you commit suicide you will go to hell" is what they said a few hundred years ago. Today they say "If you commit suicide you will be reincarnated into a worse life" is what they say today. Can't you see the absurdity?

Religion is made up to force people to put up with any kind of horrible unbearable situations and take any shit to the end , without ever trying to break out that nasty prison.

Least they will face the worse , the worst nightmare you can imagine >> their made up imaginary hell .

It is made to scare off those who wanna take off - among other types of people = all outcasts .

So, you gotta choose between two kinds of hell .
These are the only choices available .

People mainly use religions to make other's lives a living hell , to control them - old news .

They use it as an excuse to deprive others of their right to end their own life whenever they choose and punish those miserables who failed to catch the bus .

They basically use it to control who should die and who should stay a while .
They put their godly decisions into action - but it's not their well - god forbids , it's "god's" . He faxed them the list with the timing and deadlines .

Believe me , if those psycho ass-holes REALLY think there will be hell waiting for suicidals , they would've put licensed assisted suicide centers every corner , just to make sure they've sent as many people to the worst place possible ( something they relax thinking about )

Although, they don't really need to do so .
Why wait for some people to adapt suicidal thoughts ? they kill them right away - acting like the gods they made of themselves .

Belief .. yeah , tell me about it .

 

[Marawa]

I so want to believe you all are correct on the after being just nothing. I'm agnostic, as I worship no deity, but something created the 1st life form, created man, some without the coping skills to weather the mental issues we now face..... sounds like a sick sob to me.
How can we be sure creation doesn't also have horrors in store for us after life? I know no knows, but with all the shit life doils out how can we be sure death isn't a new era of pain?

 

[GeorgeJL]

I also had another revelation. I don't know what happens after death but I do know this. After I die I will cease to exist. I exist only once.

You think your so sure huh? I want to see you smoke DMT and then we will see how sure you are.

 

[Meretlein]

You think your so sure huh? I want to see you smoke DMT and then we will see how sure you are.

I regret never being able to experience that before I die.

 

[CornerE]

How can we be sure death isn't a new era of pain?

well , if by that you mean the "hell" pictured by ebrahamic religions , you can find lots of flaws with their stories to prove it's all made up to control people and use them for patriarchal hierarchical agendas to gain wealth , power and nearby lands .
You wouldn't be agnostic if you're really buying their tales .

if you mean any other sort of pain humans were not warned about ..
well, eventually you're going to die .
So that pain should be inevitable , you're running that risk either way .

 

[LivingToLong]

I distract myself all the time because I can't stand my life.

I'm beginning to wonder if that is what most/all of us are like - even those of us who aren't suicidal. Thing is, most people just happen to distract themselves with things that society deems acceptable; things like jobs. You know, things that 'contribute'. Such people give themselves a sense of purpose or fulfilment through career, success measured by pay check - but in reality, it's empty. We're all pretty much forced into it. If you don't accept that paradigm then seemingly you're a misfit.

I think we get locked into subjective judgements generally. For example, there's no objective reason (for me) why watching TV is 'bad' and reading a book is 'good' - yet many would say there is, without knowing why. Equally, someone who is in employment is contributing whilst those that aren't are scroungers and layabouts. Seemingly, we don't value individuals but what they do.

I think I admire most of all the independent artists and workers who are following their own path, a path where fulfilment is determined by their own measure and not some arbitrary societal value judgement. That takes courage. Those that are less courageous (like me) we have to play the game. If we question the game, and don't accept the societal norms, then I think you quickly see both the futility and equally the very limited realistic alternative. To me, suicide is a very logical conclusion.

 

[GeorgeJL]

I regret never being able to experience that before I die.

Yeah you'll never guess who took some DMT. Mike Tyson LOL yeah I couldn't believe it. Mike Tyson said he took it on the Joe Rogan podcast.

 

[Marawa]

well , if by that you mean the "hell" pictured by ebrahamic religions , you can find lots of flaws with their stories to prove it's all made up to control people and use them for patriarchal hierarchical agendas to gain wealth , power and nearby lands .
You wouldn't be agnostic if you're really buying their tales .

if you mean any other sort of pain humans were not warned about ..
well, eventually you're going to die .
So that pain should be inevitable , you're running that risk either way .

I don't mean a hell as described by any man, and you're right we're all going to die as we all also live.
But since there are so many mysteries in life (why illness, why are some born with horrible illness etc), how can you feel death isn't filled with horrible mysteries too? what proof or strong belief can we hold to believe because we don't breathe in our body that the next phase is just nothing at all?

 

[Dead beat dad]

Brother I know your feeling of existing between life and death.
Listen to the song Old Man River; "tired of living, scared of dying" goes the line.
I sincerely hope you find the peace you seek.
The riddle of afterlife is vexing, but to thine own self be true.
Bon voyage friend
DBD

 

[JWL]

I don't want to live and I don't want to die

Bit of a conundrum there, I'd say...

I don't know what happens after death but I do know this. After I die I will cease to exist.

You can't have your cake and eat it. If you don't know what happens after death, how the hell can you say but you do know you will cease to exist???

Ridiculous!

 

[DepressionsAHo]

As useless as this might sound, there will come a day when you just know. As I've told you previously, my day was Feb 13. I knew that whole day, I was bleeding calm, there were no tears, no fear, no frantics, no happiness, no sadness, I felt nothing but "I'm gonna die today by method" The only reason I didn't go then, was because nobody sold the one item I needed so I had to order online to get it, nor did I have the knowledge or supplies to do other methods. Animals know when they are going to die and they lay down and accept it. One of these days, whether that be whilst your walking down the street, lying in bed, watching T.V whatever, you'll know. For me, it becomes a slow realization, calculated and cold. And you will complete the actions needed. You will
plain and simply
know

 

[Psilo]

btw I absolutely hate this new age bullshit.

Welcome to the club buddy!

 

[Roberto]

I know I can't stay like this forever but I just don't know what to do. Deep down in my heart I want to die but the process of dying and all that. It's just not for me.

I distract myself all the time because I can't stand my life. Netflix,Youtube,constant daydreams, those are my forms of escapism.
Then life hits me and I get grounded it reality.
I keep thinking that I should do it but everytime I get close I stop. Not because I don't want to but because I'm scared.
I wonder all the time if there will just come a day when I'll just stop. Stop living and finally do it.
At some point the realization will hit me head on. I know the day is coming closer and there might be a day like that soon. I hope so because living like this. Between two worlds with one foot in the grave is not the right way to live.

I also had another revelation. I don't know what happens after death but I do know this. After I die I will cease to exist. I exist only once. My genetics, the environment, other people, my whole life is unique. Everyone's life is unique. We're all one of a kind. I used to want to believe in reincarnation but I don't anymore. It is foolish to believe in any sort of afterlife. We know what happens, we know we will never be in this world again but what we don't know is what happens after if there is anything. The most plausible thing is non-existance and to be honest it is better than the life I'm living. Not existing is better than living forever. Why the hell would anyone want to live in heaven forever?
Life can be very beautiful and the few decades we live make it so precious. If there was an afterlife this life would be worthless. I believe that this is a conclusion most people come to. When you're about to die. Everything you know and love will cease to exist, for you at least.
The world will continue without you. The sun will continue to shine.....
This is heartbreaking but finding everlasting peace trough non-existance gives me a kind of comfort that being alive does not.
In the end we are just animals, biological machines. I know for some this is hard to accept but this is just my view. I am sick of endless discussion about this. Just accept whatever comes after.
This reincarnation bullshit, heaven and hell. These are all constructs designed to keep us locked here. "If you commit suicide you will go to hell" is what they said a few hundred years ago. Today they say "If you commit suicide you will be reincarnated into a worse life" is what they say today. Can't you see the absurdity?

There is no second chance. This is the only life you got and that's what makes it so precious. Your life, your choice. No one but you is capable of deciding when to end it. It's not wrong to end it. Life can be so beautiful but life is not for everyone. There are winners and losers(like me).

It hurts to know that I will never be able to live a life like the ordinary people but it feels good knowing there are people who are capable of enjoying this life they have even if it is a simple one.

Ultimately I feel that whether or not we end our lives is entirely up to us. Don't let anyone scare you into thinking otherwise.

I hope one day people will be able to freely chose their date of depature from this world.





btw I absolutely hate this new age bullshit.

Your words reached deep inside me. Thank you very much for posting these beautiful words. I agree 100% about what you wrote.

 

[JWL]

Your words reached deep inside me. Thank you very much for posting these beautiful words. I agree 100% about what you wrote.

I don't wish to be harsh, but all I saw was the all to often self-pity, 'woe is me' cliche, and I'm fcking bored with it. 'Non-existance is better than living forerver'. WTF does that mean?

"If there was an afterlife this life would be worthless " The opposite, surely. But go ahead, enjoy the misery....

 

[1964dodge]

i'll be the odd man out. I believe in heaven and hell, maybe because i'm 61 and always believed in god. I have no idea if we go to heaven/hell or just poof we're gone for good, nothingness. but if there's 1 chance in a million I don't want to take the chance of hell. I don't know if I want to go or not (physical and mental issues . when I can't live with it anymore then

 

[Umbra]

I hope one day people will be able to freely chose their date of depature from this world.

You are, your post just demonstrated you are choosing to not.

 

[Dead_Inside]

Knowing that the sun will rise and that people will exist- will be happy in this world/life....

This is often what makes me the happiest and the saddest.... I just wanted that chance too.

 

[1964dodge]

I had/have a happy life i'm not rich but i'm getting by not by much sometimes but it's not bad. I've suffered from chronic pain for years now I have severe copd and now have to take insulin for diabetes. I can't walk more than about 100 feet so need wheelchair sometimes plus depression etc. I have been fighting to make life better but i'm not sure how long I can fight. so yes I want to live and I want to die.